AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I attempt to wipe the wetness from my face, but with every wipe comes a fresh layer. “I never gave up on us,” I repeat, droplets flying from my lips with every word. “I went to see you. In Boston. You were in your second year there, and I’m sorry it took so long, but I needed to fix myself before I could even attempt to fix us. I went to your college, and I asked everyone I came across if they knew you or how I could find you, and after an entire day on your campus, I finally stood right at your door.”
Holden watches me, wordless, his lips parted slightly. He hasn’t moved, hasn’t stepped forward, or invited me closer.
I sniff once, trying to breathe through the uncertainty pumping through my veins. “You weren’t there, obviously, but your roommate told me I could find you at a bar nearby, and so I went. God, Holden… seeing you—it was like… like the sun breaking through the horizon for the first time in years, bringing me warmth and light. You were sitting in the corner near some pool tables, and you were holding a pool cue between your knees, and you… you had friends… and you were talking and laughing, and I stood there, frozen, wondering where I would fit in with this new life of yours. But then the pool cue you were holding was replaced by this… thisstunninglybeautiful girl. And you put your hands on her waist, and you looked up at her, and I… I realized that you had never looked at me that way. And then your friend said something, and you and your girl—you both laughed, and she turned in your arms, and you whispered something in her ear that had her smiling, and I… I left.”
“Jamie…” It’s the first word he’s spoken since I started to speak, and nothing comes after it.
“I…” I’m losing hope. “I left because I realized that… that I’d never seen you like that before. I’d never seen you so happy orfreebecause you could never be like that with me. When you looked at me, there was always that underlying concern. You always worried about me, Holden, and I know it’s because you loved me, but… you lost a piece of yourself to me. And you’realwaysdoing that. Even last night, you said it yourself, you just want to make me happy, and that’s not fair to you. I want to make you happy, too, because I love you. I fuckingloveyou. And I never stopped loving you, and if you—if you don’t feel the same, tell me. Right now. And tell me how to get over you, because—”
The door suddenly moves, opening fully, and my lungs empty the moment I see the entirety of him. Black ink stains his torso so deep; it’s permanent. Rays of dark sunlight from his collarbone down his ribs, each sunbeam wrapped in vines and leaves and tiny flowers. My vision blurs as I take in his chest, the centerpiece… the compass inside an anatomical heart.
“What’s with the compass?” he asked.
“It’s right above your heart.”
“Butwhya compass?”
“Because it’s where I feel the most found.”
“Jamie, you don’t need to be doing this.” It’s like coming out of a dream. Or a nightmare. I didn’t even realize Brianna was the one to open the door fully until right this moment. Dressed in nothing but Holden’s work shirt, she says, “You’re a strong, independent woman, and you don’t need—”
I turn away. And I do what I always do when I’m in a situation I don’t want to be in. Irun. My steps hasten when hear him behind me, nipping at my heels.
I’ve been here before…
I’ve feltthisbefore.
Knocking on his door and pouring my heart out all those years ago didn’t end well then either. Sure, he didn’t sleep with Bethany, Dean’s ex, but itfeelsthe same. Ithurtsthe same.
“Jamie, stop!”
I wipe the rain from my eyes, empty the hope from my soul. I don’t turn to him when I yell, my throat aching with the force of my withheld sob, “Jesus Christ, it’s like déjà vu.”
“What are you talking about?” he shouts at my back.
“It’s like Bethany all over again!”
“We weren’t even together then!”
I stop.Still.Wait until every organ inside me catches up to my mind. It’s the confusion that comes first… and the heartbreak follows. Slowly, I face him, and I can tell by his ghostly, ashen stare that he’s playing catch up too. Only his mind is catching up to his mouth. “You slept with her?” I breathe out, the rainfall making the heat of my tears temporary.
“Jamie…” His chest rises and falls…
… and I’m barely breathing.
His mouth parts, but he has nothing more to say, nothing more to give.
But I do.
I step forward, slowly releasing my grip on the pendant trapped in my hand. For five years, I’ve kept it with me, always holding on to it—tous—and for what?
Fornothing.
Through an ocean of withheld tears, I canjustmake out the compass tattooed directly over his heart...
A heart where I once lost and found myself.
I slam the pendant there and turn before I can see his reaction.
