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A warm palm strokes up and down my spine. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have had kids. I feel like everything I’m doing is wrong.”
“Oh, Dee, you’re a great mo—”
“I just don’t think I can do this anymore,” I cut in. Suddenly so tired I can barely stand, I trudge back to the bedroom and fall back onto the bed, flopping an arm over my face. “None of us are getting enough sleep. I can’t lose the damn baby weight, while you look like a Norse god. I can’t believe you haven’t left me for one of the hot Swiss nannies at preschool.”
“Whoa, whoa,” Sam says. “How long have you been feeling all this?”
The bed depresses next to me, and a hand runs up and down my thigh. His touch usually calms me—or turns me on—but right now it just makes me feel more exposed.
And he didn’t deny the allure of the Swiss nannies.
“It’s kind of built up. My grandma’s getting up there; I miss my parents.” Sucking up the courage, I meet his eyes. “I want to go home.”
“To Massachusetts?”
I nod, afraid if I speak, I’ll lose it.
“What about your job?”
And I lose it. Sitting up, I howl, “I hate my job!”
Sam scoots away and turns to face me on the bed. “You do?”
On my feet, suddenly full of energy, I begin to pace back and forth. “I went to law school to help people, but right now I’m just helping rich people keep their money. I know I have to pay my dues as well as pay off the loans, but it’s killing me.”
“Well,” he says, as unperturbable as always. “The loans are almost paid off.”
“But we just bought this house,” I remind him, hating how whiny I sound. “And a second car.”
He shrugs again. “So we’ll sell them. Move back to Massachusetts. Rent a place near your parents while we figure out what’s next. It’s only money. Your mental health is much more important.”
“You’d really be okay with that?
“I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.”
I sit next to him again and grab his hand, which in this moment truly feels like a lifeline. “I mean, we wouldn’t have to do it tomorrow. If I work through the spring, my loans will be paid off and we’d skip winter up north.”
“Can you hang in that long?”
I take a deep breath, needing to be sure before I answer. By the time I let it out, I am. “If I know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I can. I just can’t take this grind without that. It’s brutal. People in my cohort are getting hooked on amphetamines to keep up with the workload.”
Squeezing his hand, I let myself say out loud the things I’ve been afraid to admit—to even think. “If I stayed home for a bit, you could take a job that had twelve-hour shifts instead of twenty-four. And then we might be able to have sex again.”
He laughs. “Like normal people, at night?”
“No, I think we should stick to middle of the day. Maddie’ll start preschool soon. We could do it on the days you’re off and she’s at school, while Liam naps.” I rest my head on his shoulder. “Ugh. I’m exhausted again just thinking about it.”
He puts an arm around me. “We’ll figure it out.”
“Why are you so nice to me?”
“Because you’re my rockstar.”
“Is it okay if I’m just a regular, stay-at-home mom for a while instead?”
“Whatever you do, however you spend your time, you’re my rockstar.”
