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“Do you know?” he counters. “Did either of them tell you? Have you asked Valery?”
So that’s it. We’re going to have an argument without any way to prove that I’m right without risking I’m wrong. Perfect.
“Cormac wouldn’t have been planning to marry me if sex was going to destroy my skills,” I argue, because I’m sure that was where most of his attraction to me lay.
“But he knew how to map you. He could have fixed your skills after or given them to someone else and kept you home…”
Barefoot and pregnant. The thought is enough to make me sick.
“You are going to have to trust me on this, Jost. It’s a lie. Ask Erik,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. “On second thought, don’t. That would be weird.”
“Come here,” he says, the hostility of his tone dropping off. I bury my face in his chest and marvel at how soft his shirt is and how, even now a world away, it still smells the same as it did in Arras. His scent makes something ache in my chest, but I’m not sure if it’s longing or sadness now.
“Ad, it won’t be much longer, and then…” He trails off, and I can almost hear the hesitation in the air.
“Then?” Surely he won’t reject me then.
“Then we can be a family,” he says, and now I understand.
If sex is the topic Jost is skirting around, then family is the one I’m trying to avoid. I want Amie and Sebrina back, but I’m not sure I’m ready to be a family. Going back for the girls isn’t where things end, it only puts me in more danger than ever. Danger I want to avoid placing the girls in.
“What if we can’t be?” I whisper.
Jost’s eyes narrow and I can see the condemnation in them. “Because you don’t want her.”
I want to deny this. I want to explain the danger and my need to protect Amie and Sebrina, but I can’t. So I don’t say anything at all, which is probably worse.
“I didn’t ask you to be her mother, Ad,” he says quietly, but his tone is anything but soft. It tears with accusation. “Why did you even tell me she was alive?”
“How can you ask that?”
“It’s what I’m honestly wondering,” he says. “Why are you even here now?”
“I-I-I care about you,” I stammer, shocked at the way his words cut. “We belong together.”
“Maybe we did in Arras, but what about when we get them back?” he asks. “I can’t abandon my daughter. I thought you understood that. What about your sister?”
“It’s different,” I admit.
“Because she won’t come between us,” he says wisely.
“No, it’s not that. I can’t be a mother. Amie won’t need me that way.” And they’ll both be safer without me, I add silently.
“I didn’t ask you to be,” he repeats.
“No, you might not have, but, Jost, you’re going to be a father—”
“Ad, I’ve always been a father,” he says in a tired voice. “That never went away.”
But you didn’t seem like one, I want to say. He’s right. I’ve always chosen to ignore how awkward his past made me feel, especially when it came to his daughter. And I’ve denied how things will change once she’s back. I won’t be able to protect her or care for her. Even my being with Jost would be a risk to her.
“I can’t waste time waiting for you to be ready. I won’t be like you and Dante. I don’t want to be a stranger to Sebrina. Maybe we need to focus on a plan for now,” he suggests.
My eyes meet his and I understand exactly what he’s saying, and something twists and snaps in my chest, leaving a hollow ache in its wake. But I want him to say it. I want him to own it.
“Instead of?” I ask quietly.
“Instead of worrying about us.”
