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“I’ve never stopped fighting,” I claim.
“It doesn’t matter,” he says. “You aren’t responsible for her.”
“Sooner or later, you’ll have to let someone else in, Jost Bell,” I say.
“Why?” he asks.
I hesitate.
“I never wanted it to be like this—” he begins.
“You should go,” I say, cutting him off. “I guess this is goodbye.”
Jost reaches out and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and I shatter, falling piece by piece back to the dome of safety in Arras. Back to stolen kisses. The memories mix together, muddling into something black and viscous, and the words I should say die on my lips.
“No, I’m not saying goodbye.” He walks out, sending my world spinning.
TWENTY-TWO
I STARE BLANKLY AT THE DOOR. THE only light streams in from the opened curtains, and everything around me is washed out and colorless. It feels false, even though this is reality. This is the real world. My real world, and I don’t want any part of it.
I’m still sitting there when Erik pushes the door open and peeks into my room. “Hey, you.”
I can’t manage a reply.
“I heard,” Erik says, the blue of his eyes deep and concerned, “about Jost.”
“I’m so tired of this,” I say through gritted teeth. “I’m so tired of fighting with him.”
“But he’s gone now.”
I swallow, trying to digest the bitter truth of his words. “Yes. He is.”
“Which means you don
’t have to fight anymore.” Erik moves beside me, hovering next to my vanity and waiting for me to speak.
I glance up at him. His expression is hard, but there’s something beneath it. Conflict.
“Erik—” I start to say.
“Don’t,” he says, putting a finger on my lips. I close my eyes and a tear falls, cold against my heated skin.
“You’re crying,” he says, and his hands drop from my face.
“It’s … it’s not you,” I say, because it isn’t.
It isn’t him. I know how he feels. And part of me wants to crash into him and forget. Forget Jost. Forget everything that’s happened since we left Arras. But Erik deserves more than I can give him. He deserves more than I can give anyone.
“For once let yourself feel something, Ad!” Erik yells, losing his composed attitude. “You can’t push everything down and make it disappear.”
“I feel alone,” I mumble.
“You aren’t.” Erik stands over me shaking his head. “You have me.”
“You deserve better,” I say to him, standing so that he can’t peer down at me like he’s looking into my soul.
“You’re the closest thing to a friend I’ve had for a long time.” He fingers the tear in my sleeve, and I pull my arm back. “So you can’t push me away, because I’m not giving up on you.”
