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“Not even Maela?”
“You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”
“How did you even discover you could do it?” I ask.
“We don’t have to trade stories about our first time,” he says. “Like so many first experiences, it was an accident. I have no reason to believe the Guild would ever have known about me if I hadn’t approached them. I thought Alix might tell them, but I couldn’t spend my life in Saxun, especially once Alix was gone.”
“So you left and did whatever they told you to do?” I ask. I’m making it sound more dramatic than it was, but the betrayal is still raw, each new revelation stinging the tender, damaged skin of our relationship. Even worse, I know I’m judging him.
?
??I left without saying goodbye,” Erik says. “I was young and careless, and it never occurred to me that I might not see my family again. Saxun didn’t have a lot of Spinsters, let alone Tailors. There was no one there to guide me, to explain my skill to me. I thought I was special.”
“You thought you would be worth something to them?” I guess.
Erik nods, a far-off look settling over his face. “I thought I would be somebody. Now I know the best thing I ever did for my family was to leave them like I did.”
“They didn’t go after your family because you volunteered?” I ask.
“Alix helped me get access to a grey market Tailor. New privilege card, new last name—no questions,” he says. “They didn’t go after my family because they didn’t know about them.”
“That’s your face though, right?”
“Changed the name, kept the sexy,” he says.
“Why bother?” I say.
“I didn’t want my family to know where I went,” he says. “I was scared that the Guild would reject me if they knew I was the son of a fisherman.” A dark look passes over his face. “I was being a complete jerk, but it may be the only reason Jost is alive today.”
“I doubt he’d see it that way,” I say. Erik left his family without concern over how they would feel, and his recklessness saved them. The night of my retrieval I only thought of my family and me. I was too selfish to warn them, and I destroyed them. Funny how selfishness comes in shades of destruction and salvation.
“He doesn’t,” Erik admits. “Why do you think he hates me?”
“He doesn’t hate you.”
“He doesn’t like me,” Erik says.
I can’t argue with that.
“You need to tell him,” I say, grabbing Erik’s hand. “He’ll understand.”
“No,” Erik barks. He clutches my hand so tightly my nerves gasp in pain. “Promise me you won’t tell him—that you won’t tell anyone.”
“I promise,” I say, and he releases my hand. “But I still think you should tell him.”
“You don’t know Jost like I do,” Erik says, but the second the words leave his lips, he sighs.
“Did you do the things the Guild asked you to?” I ask, steering our conversation away from Jost.
“Yes,” Erik says. “I always did what they asked. I never saw any reason not to.”
He didn’t see anything wrong with manipulating people’s minds? With unwinding their bodies? “Why did you change your mind?” I ask. I need him to redeem himself. “You told me you were trapped at the Coventry. You helped me escape.”
Erik’s face hints at a smile, but it’s a sad one and he shakes his head. “I get to keep a few secrets.”
“Yes, you do.” I incline my head and meet his eyes. “I’m sorry I slapped you.”
“You’re stronger than you think, Ad,” Erik says, his hand reaching for his cheek.
