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But when she retired that evening with Wade she felt a great need to be close to him. She didn't exactly know how he'd react, but she felt it important to finally let him know.
"Would you hold me?" She asked in a quiet voice.
"The pleasure would be all mine," He smiled as he turned around and saw the shimmer of tears in her eyes
"I wish you wouldn't let it bother you?" He took her into his arms and kissed the top of her head.
"Oh Wade, I just want to be close." She sighed as his arms came around her and his lips touched the top of her head once more. She so loved it when he held her like this, she felt so protected. She felt as though nothing could hurt her in his arms.
After she calmed her racing heart a bit, she pulled away to look into his face.
"Did you win at the tables today?" She asked, trying to keep all the feelings he aroused at bay.
"Some, yes. Most days I win some." He smiled against her hair. "Hmm…what is that wonderful smell?"
She turned back into his arms and was stunned to find herself so close to him, "It's me, it's perfume…I couldn't resist it…Do you like it?"
"It's nice, I like it." He whispered as his lips grazed her temple.
"I got some things for you, and for my family and for your mother. I hope you don't mind."
"Of course I don't. I wanted you to enjoy your day. I bet you didn't spend hardly any on yourself."
"Just the perfume. You've already bought me so many nice things. I felt too guilty to buy more."
"You are precious." He smiled. "So very precious."
"Oh Wade…I don’t' want you to go to war." She cried turning into his arms and gathering herself close so she pressed into his chest. "I don't think I fully realized how serious it was when you first told me of it. But in town today, the feeling was so creepy. It gave me
the jitters."
He threw his hat on the bed and took her fully into his arms. "Hey now…it's going to be alright…"
"I'm so afraid for you." She cried once more. "I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you."
He lifted her chin and stared into her eyes. "You're going to have to be braver than you've ever been Beth…You are right, it's serious. But we can get through this."
"I know, it's not for me, it's you I’m worried about. Today, I saw so much. Men fighting, men chasing slaves, soldiers boasting of how the war wouldn't last long. And the faces of scared people in town. It scared me. The people were all murmuring about the war. I saw fear and arrogance in their faces. It scared me, Wade. "
"Listen to me, darling." He looked into her face now. "You must'n think of such things. I don’t want you to worry. You and mother's life won't change that much; you'll be here on the boat."
"I can't help it. Oh Wade…." She cried aloud. "Wait a minute, where will you be?"
"From time to time I'll have to find a way to make contact. The rest of the time I'll be here. I know this is all pretty confusing and terrifying in some respects. But I've chosen to help the south, and the north is going to be here in our laps. We have to look and act as though we are fighting for the north at all times. It's not going to be easy, Beth."
"I'm so worried for you!"
He tipped her chin once more and his kiss devoured her. She felt his tongue making its way to hers, mating and caressing, and she so wanted them to mate in every way. She strained to be closer. This wasn't the time to put more on Wade. He had enough to worry about. There would be time for them when the war was over, her mind told her as she blanked every thought with his tender kisses.
"I know you want to wait…" She began.
He stilled her lips with a finger. "Especially now…"
Hurt filled her. She was ready to confess her love and he was rejecting her before she even told him.
"I-I don't understand…don't you want me?" She asked with real tears in her eyes now.
"Want you? Honey you'll never know how much, but…this is not a good time…" he held her close.
