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There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome.
I lost my best friends that day, and I missed them terribly. It could have been any one of us that died that day. It could have been me that died while they were still here, and if that had been the case, it would have still been an accident. I had to start believing that if they were here right now, my friends would tell me they didn’t blame me.
“I miss them so much,” I confessed when I opened my eyes again and looked at Jesse.
His features softened as he tugged me toward him. “I know you do.”
Jesse held me close for a few moments, giving me an opportunity to find some comfort in his embrace. Eventually, I pulled back, because I wanted to set the record straight with him.
“I didn’t mean for this morning to take this turn,” I started. “In fact, pulling out this journal feels really good. I wanted to mark that one thing off this list, since it’s the only thing that has mattered to me for the last twelve years.”
Jesse reached out to the nightstand, opened the drawer, pulled out a pen, and handed it to me.
Once I made the mark in the journal, he asked, “So, what now?”
I took a moment to consider my answer to that question. What now? There was no denying that I could just continue as I had been. The last few weeks had proven that life could be great for me. It was already far better than I had anticipated. Did I need to mess with that?
Of course, I recalled that conversation I had with my father just before his final deployment. What would he have told me to do?
After giving myself some time, I finally turned my attention fully to Jesse and said, “No risk, no reward.”
His lips twitched. “Are you going to be adding to this list again? Maybe crossing a few things off, too?”
I held his gaze, feeling something so profound move through me. “This life has been very interesting for me,” I told him. “I’ve experienced so much, and there’s still a lot that I want to do. When I was working on this list, I felt so alive. I haven’t lived for the last twelve years, Jesse. I think it’s time I start changing that.”
A look of pride washed over him. “I think that’s a fantastic idea. But I do have one question.”
“What’s that?”
His expression turned naughty. “I just want to confirm that you haven’t yet sunbathed topless.”
Of course.
I should have known that would be the one thing he remembered about my list.
“Why is that even a concern to you now?” I asked. “You’ve already seen my boobs.”
“I know. But I’m never going to pass up an opportunity to see them again,” he reasoned. “I figure this is like a two birds, one stone type of situation.”
“Right. Efficiency is what you’re about.”
He grinned.
I smiled back at him.
“Ready for breakfast?” he asked.
I nodded.
With that, Jesse gave me a kiss. Before we got up, he said, “You know I love you, too, right?”
I smiled at him. “I do.”
He returned the smile, grabbed my coffee mug, and the two of us made our way downstairs.
Breakfast was delicious. But the way we spent the rest of our morning was even better.
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