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“Why did I think it was anything more than you living out some schoolboy fantasy? Why me, Count? If you needed sex, you could have gone to anyone, to someone who didn’t care the way I did, who wouldn’t hurt the way I did...”
He stared at her in new agony.
“Oh God, Pea. You know it wasn’t just that, you have to know...”
“Know what?” She pulled her wrist out of his hand. “All I know is what you told me. That you wanted to fuck me. That you wanted to fuck me and fuck me and fuck me... That’s all you told me. I guess you were right to worry about what Edward would think, because that isnotthe way you treat your friend’s sister.”
“I didn’t… I don’t… Youaskedme to! You wanted it too.”
“I know.” She looked away toward the lake, and the hurt in her voice broke into something low and bitter. “I’ve loved you since I was twelve. Since I was eleven. Since before I even knew what boys were or what they could mean. I’ve loved you forever.”
She shivered in the rain, thunder rolling through the hills around them. The rain fell faster than ever.
“You love me?”
She seemed unable to reply, but the question had been as much for himself as her. Because he needed to name it, this thing that had been a part of him for so long he had never thought to name it to himself.
Love.
He loved Peony. And by naming it, he absolved himself. Because it might be wrong to lust after your friend’s sister, to be fifteen years old and fixated, to be eighteen years old and tormented by want to the point of depravity, to become a man and be appalled by the helpless depths of your own desire…but it wasn’t wrong toloveher.
And he did. Oh God. He did.
“Peony,” breathed Leo, his heart torn open. “Pea, I love you too.”
Chapter sixteen
Pea
PealookedupatLeo, the rawness in his eyes so unusual to see. It was almost unbearable, that look. He looked so beautifully wretched in the rain, his hair absolutely black, wet curls sticking to his hard jaw, water gleaming on the black of his tuxedo jacket. She wanted to go to him, hold him, be held in return. She wanted it so damned much it hurt.
“I’ve loved you forever too,” Leo told her.
“So why am I leaving? Why are we here, like this?”
Leo pushed his wet hair back again, the shutters already falling into place behind his eyes, dimming the fervent light in his eyes. “Because Edward… What will he think of me…?”
Pea had promised herself she wouldn’t beg. But in that moment, she suddenly realised she wasn’t begging for her own sake, she was fighting for his. To break down the walls that grief and responsibility had built around his heart. To force him to take something for himself. To let himself have what he wanted.
“You know people talk about you and Edward, your unlikely friendship. I know his reputation. They think Edward is the selfish, egotistical one, who thinks only about himself. But they’re wrong. You’re the selfish one, Count. Because it’s not Edward that you care about. It’s his opinion. You only care what he thinks about you. Your honour. Your reputation. You’ve told me the story of how Edward fell in love, and do you know what the difference is? He didn’t give a damn what the world thought. He did what his heart told him was right. Maybe to you, that’s selfish. But to me, it’s brave. And if you think that Edward would hate the thought of you and me, that he would challenge you to pistols at dawn like some ridiculous old novel, then you don’t know Edward at all. Underneath it all, he is generous and he is kind. He would want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. I want you to chooseyou. A selfish part of me hopes that means choosing me too. But even if it doesn’t… Leo…just choose tolive, please. Because if I’m going away tomorrow, I can’t stand the thought of leaving you here in this gloomy castle with nothing but your work and your duty and your sorrow and not even little Kipper to keep you company.”
Her voice broke. That damned dog.
Leo looked at her. He was pale and shaken, breathing heavily, heedless of the rain. “Pea…” his voice was thick, choked. “I wish I could choose you. I want that so fucking much. I want to choose you every single day, with every breath I take…”
“So why don’t you?”
He stood tortured, frozen.
Pea swallowed her fear, because even now, she knew he might still retreat, go hide again behind those familiar walls. She turned toward the lake. “I’m going for a swim. Let me know when you’ve made up your mind.”
She walked down to the water’s edge. Lightning flashed behind the hills in the distance, momentarily turning the sky white. The rain wasn’t cold, but she was soaked and trembling. Even still, she craved the bite of the lake, the weightless descent into another world.
She stopped at the shore. The back of her dress was so low that she had not worn a bra, and the small zip was easy to reach at the base of her spine.
She stood with her back to Leo and undid the zip with cold fingers. She pushed the dress from her shoulders and stepped out of it into the cold water.
The pebbles were slippery and hard under her feet, but she was used to shores like this, having swam in a hundred different places around the world. She waded out until the water reached her waist and then sank down to her shoulders. She turned and looked back to shore.
