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“You would if you saw him,” I say.
“No, I don’t mean that. I get that you’re attracted to him, and I get that sometimes you just click with someone and it’s magical and all of that. What I still don’t get is why you can’t just be with him,” she says.
“I told you why already,” I say with a sigh. “Being with Tyler is all consuming and I find myself too distracted. I don’t want to fuck up at work again and risk losing my job.”
“Ok. Let’s just pretend for a moment it's you talking and not your mom,” Rebecca says. I roll my eyes, but she ignores me and goes on. “You just have to learn to separate your emotions.”
“Right,” I say. “I’ll just go see a witch doctor or something huh?”
“You’re being ridiculous,” Rebecca says. “Let me explain.” She’s quiet for a second and then she smiles. “Ok, I’ve got it. You like a few cocktails when we go out right?”
I nod my head, wondering where she’s going with this.
“But at work, you wouldn’t sit and drink cocktails, because being drunk would be distracting. Right? So, work Summer doesn’t drink cocktails, but real Summer does. And I’m sure there’s been times sitting at your desk, too hot, bored or restless, that you have liked a nice cocktail. But you don’t because you’re work Summer and work Summer doesn’t pull that kind of a stunt,” Rebecca says. “Are you with me so far?”
“Well yes, but what does this have to do?” I start, but Rebecca cuts me off before I can finish.?”
“It has everything to do with Tyler,” she finishes for me. “Imagine Tyler is that cocktail. Work Summer knows she can’t have him because he would distract her. Even if she really wants him, work Summer knows better and ignores her desire. But real Summer, the Summer that you are outside of work, the Summer that drinks cocktails, that Summer, she could date Tyler.”
I finally see where she’s going with this. It makes sense on a logical scale, but when Tyler and I allow ourselves to touch each other, to kiss each other, every bit of logic goes out of the window.
“It won’t work,” I say. “God Rebecca it’s hard enough not to jump on him every time I go into his office now and we aren’t together. Imagine how much harder it would be not jumping on him knowing that I can because we’re together.”
“I genuinely think that will make it easier. Every time you resist that urge right now you deny yourself something that you want forever. If you and Tyler were together but still professional at work, you would only be denying yourself what you want until the evening comes. You could even make a sexy little game out of it,” Rebecca says.
“Ok, yeah, I could do that,” I say. “I’m not really some sex mad maniac. I would be able to control myself at work. I would hate to be one of those workplace couples that make everyone else uncomfortable. That’s not what I’m worried about. I don’t know how to explain without sounding pathetic, but when we’re together, as in having sex, it’s great but when we are physically apart, I can’t stop thinking about him.”
“It doesn’t sound like you can stop thinking about him now,” Rebecca says. “At least my way you get to stop thinking and start having fun for at least some of the time.”
“I wish it was that simple,” I say.
“But that’s the thing, Summer. It is entirely that simple but you’re making a big thing out of it. Look, just promise me you’ll at least think about what I’ve said ok, because I hate to see you like this,” Rebecca says.
“Like what?” I ask.
“Unhappy,” Rebecca says as though it should have been obvious.
Maybe it should have been obvious. I mean I suppose I am unhappy because I know how good I could feel if I was with Tyler and I’m not. But I thought I was doing a much better job at hiding it. Rebecca laughs softly and when she speaks again it’s as though she’s read my mind.
“Don’t worry, no one else would notice, but none of them at work know you like I do,” Rebecca says. She glances at her watch. “And knowing you like I do; I know you’ll want to be back a bit early for your presentation, so I reckon it’s time to go.”
I smile and nod, grateful Rebecca isn’t going to insist we still have time before I have to be back at work even though it likely means she’ll be going back to work earlier than she really has to as well.
We leave the café and go our separate ways. It’s less than a two-minute walk for me and I’m back in my office in no time. I go back through each slide of my powerpoint presentation. I know this stuff back to front and inside out, but it never hurts to check everything over – it’s better to check too many times than not enough.
When I’m as confident as I’m ever going to be, I take my laptop and go through to the conference room. It’s the conference room where I first saw Tyler and realized I would be working with him and I smile a little bit at the memory, but I push it away. I have more than enough on my plate right now without letting myself think about that.
I set my laptop up so my screen is displayed on the wall of the room. I pull the screen down and the display sits perfectly on it, and I close the blinds so there’s no glare on it and all is good. Now I just have to wait for Tyler and the client to arrive. My stomach is fluttery, and my heart is racing with a strange mix of nerves at the thought of the presentation and excitement because I genuinely think the client will love the design. I’m not nervous because I anticipate a bad reaction; I’m always like this when I have to deliver a presentation or a pitch. Once I get going, I know I’ll be fine.
Tyler comes in a few minutes before the clients are due. We greet each other and as always when I first see him, my stomach gives a little roll, and my breathing quickens a little bit.
“I see you’re all prepared,” he says, nodding to the screen.
“Yeah. I hate doing the set up in front of people. I always find if I do it that way, something goes wrong and I end up fighting with everything and looking stupid,” I say with a laugh.
“I wish I’d known. I would have come along earlier and had a good laugh,” Tyler says.
“Oh, you don’t count,” I say, and we both laugh. “It’s only clients seeing me square off with technology that worries me.”
