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To have him get in their bed and not bother to eventouchher was the most painful thing she’d ever endured. Shockingly painful. And now they were driving to the Weigh Station for some unknown reason she apparently didn’t need to know. Her only consolation was the other ladies were going to be there too. She couldn’t wait to find out what the hell was going on because she’d decided she wasn’t asking Bishop. The pain of how he’d treated her the night before had already turned into anger. And that was pure coping mechanism to keep from breaking down in front of the wrong people.
Pain gouged her chest every time she remembered the man who was usually loving and sensitive, now treating her like a stranger and a villain.
“I need to tell you why we’re going to the Weigh Station,” Bishop said when the boat came to stop next to a grassy bank.
“Do you really?” she asked, her voice wavering with anger.
He held his hand out for her and she ignored it, hopping out of the boat. He stared at the ground a few seconds before securing a rope to a little post then stood with his hands on his hips and head lowered. “There is one thing I cannot handle Beth, and it’s you lying to me. You called my mother and lied to me about why. I can tell you now that if you ever lie to me again, it will destroy things between us that are very difficult to repair.”
Beth suddenly couldn’t breathe as she held her stomach. She’d not even considered him angry over that. She’d been sure it was because of what Mah-Mah had done and he thought she was part of it. She’d been waiting for him to ask that, and he hadn’t. “I hadnoidea she was going to do that with the Fate Dice thing.”
“I know you didn’t call her aboutbabymaking concerns, Beth.”
“No, I didn’t. I called her because of how you’re behaving. You’re being…overly protective and paranoid.”
“And that’s a crime?”
She looked at him. “Are you telling me you don’t keep things from me?”
He held her gaze firmly. “Keeping things from you and lying to you are two different things, Beth.”
“This isn’t some…terrible lie. I just didn’t want to upset you or fight with you about something you can’t even think straight about.”
“What exactly can’t I think straight about?”
His tone pushed and pulled at her guts. “I get that you’re scared and want to protect me and I’m…happy that you do. But I’m not your enemy, I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with me doing. I’ve told you so many times that if you don’t want me being your right hand then say so.”
“And I’ve told you so many times that I’m not allowed to influence that decision.”
“Well, if this isn’t influencing, I don’t know what is!”
“I can’t help how I feel, Beth,” he half yelled at her. “We’re going to war with people who want to kill me and everything I care about. Why is this hard for you to understand?”
She wiped her tears and turned her back to him. “I just… want you totrustme,” she strained.
“This isn’t about trust, Beth. It’s about war and the brutal realities that come with it. It’s about you being you and me protecting you from other people using that against us.”
“Fine, then…I won’t be the right hand, I don’t want it. I get to decide and that is my decision.” His arms came around her and he pressed his mouth to her ear, bringing her sob. “I just want to love you, that’s all.”
His hold tightened and he kissed the side of her face repeatedly. “Ma Petite,” he whispered hotly. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m…utterly terrified to lose you, do you hear me? And this war that’s coming, it’s bringing dark clouds in my soul that I cannot shake.”
“I’m giving it up, I give up the right-hand thing, I don’t want it.” She turned in his arms and hugged him tight. “I don’t want it, I just want to be your wife.”
He put his forehead against hers, his breaths heaving with the barest shake of his head.
She took his face and kissed him, and he grabbed her hands and lowered them, his gaze dark and haunted on her. “It’s too late, Ma Petite. Once Mah-Mah set it into motion, the Auditors had to rule. And they have ruled that the Fate Dice will be used to determine everything. The decisions are no longer ours.”
Beth’s pulse pummeled her eardrums till she couldn’t hear anything else. Her mouth moved as she grasped what he’d said. “I…I didn’t mean for this Sahvrin, you have to believe me.”
He kissed her softly. “I believe you Ma Petite. I don’t doubt that.”
She realized all hope wasn’t lost. “The Fate Dice, they can…they can still roll in our favor. Or even if I have to be right hand, I don’t have to do anything, right?”
“If you are right hand, you must act as right hand.”
She shook her head. “I mean…we can still come out alright, the dice can be in your favor? Right?”
He kissed her softly again. “Yes, Ma Petite.”
