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He was going to come home, expecting a waiting and available girlfriend. Someone he could pick up where he left off with, to romp with and play with. Someone that would add to his happiness and take away the stress. And I was going to meet him at the door, carrying this secret, and do what? Pretend I didn’t? Tell him immediately? Greet him at the door and tell him we had to have a talk?
Nothing seemed right.
The phone stopped ringing in my left hand. I watched as the little picture of Kieran disappeared on the screen, and then my eyes moved to the right. The stick was still in my grip. The result had shown up not three seconds after I peed on it. It was as definitive as a test could be.
As it had been with the four I’d taken before it.
I was absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, pregnant.
If Kieran had called again, right at that moment, I would have picked up. I would have picked up, sobbing, and told him everything. But he didn’t. Instead, I sat there in silence, crying and rocking and not knowing exactly why.
I always wanted a child. Maybe only one, maybe not. I hadn’t really given that part much thought. But I knew I wanted to be a mother. I had dreams of cooking for my child, teaching them the secrets of my parents and my grandparents and the ones I made up all by myself. Watching them bloom into whatever they wanted to be. And doing it beside a partner I could trust and love.
My ex had never been that. Kieran was.
I thought.
But what if it wasn’t what he wanted? What if he came home, all buoyed by this experience away from me, only wanting something fun and silly for a while before wanting to have something serious. Or what if he never wanted something serious at all? I was going to have to find out, and now I had a ticking clock. Seven months. Come spring, our lives were either going to be different together, or his would be the same, separate.
Maybe I should try to hide it just a little bit longer? Give him a few days to get home and get settled. See if the relationship was still as hot and thick as it was when he walked out of the door. Maybe I should delay it even longer. Until I was showing. Considering I was a bit curvier than my sisters, it would take a little longer for that to happen. I could buy myself another month or more, most likely, if not longer.
I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. My sisters were no help. They were younger and had a much higher tendency to throw caution to the wind in the name of drama. I needed someone with a level head. Someone who had more experience with adult relationships and not boys they met at bars and online.
Suddenly, Helen’s face popped into my mind, and I sat the stick on the sink counter, pulling open my phone and finding her name. Normally, Helen would be at home at this time, I knew. She didn’t often go into the diner until the afternoon and stayed late. It might wake her up, but I needed a friend. Hitting the number, I hoped that she would pick up. Thankfully, she did.
“Hello?” she said, somewhat groggily.
“Hey, Helen, it’s me, Sofia,” I said.
“Hey, Sofia,” she said, still sounding like she was half-asleep. “What’s going on?”
“I really hate to ask you this, and I understand if you can’t, but can you talk for a little bit? I really need someone to talk to.”
There was a shuffling sound on the other end, like someone suddenly sitting up and putting on slippers.
“Sure,” she said, sounding more awake. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m safe. I just need someone to talk to. Someone who might be able to give me some really important advice. If you’re available and it’s not too much trouble, I would like to meet up with you somewhere and talk.”
“Sure.” A voice in the background, low and grumbly, mumbled something. When she spoke again, it was muffled, like she’d put her hand over the bottom of the phone and pulled it away a little. “It’s Sofia. She needs to chat with me about something private. I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Okay,” the grumbly voice said.
“Sorry,” she said. “Everett was sleeping in this morning. He has a cold. Where do you want to meet?”
“Anywhere. Just somewhere we can talk privately, and I can get something to eat.”
“Come to the diner,” she said. “It’ll be my treat, and this time in the morning, it’s just the old men sitting at the counter. We can take up a booth in the back, and no one will hear us.”
