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Going outside, I find a quiet place hidden in the gardens I’ve come to love so much. Honestly, it’s one thing to speak to Jake in my mind, but to say things out loud, it hurts. It makes everything feel so raw and real. Maybe this is part of the healing process, though. Maybe this is what I need to do to get better, because I want that.
I want that more than I’ve wanted anything in my life.
CHAPTER23
SAM
One month later
It's been two months since Marissa died. The police ruled that Marissa’s death had been an accident, citing that it was likely she slipped and fell down the rocky embankment and broke her neck. There was no evidence that Chloe had anything to do with her death, other than taking her to the cabin in the first place.
Marissa's parents didn't like that. When their appeals were unsuccessful, they tried to sue for custody of Kelsie, claiming I was an unfit parent, but lucky for me, the judge found no cause to remove her from my care.
Still, her family blames me for everything, and they take every opportunity to tell me so. They don’t accept Marissa had any responsibility in what happened to her, which is frustrating, but I get it. She was their daughter. To them, it doesn’t matter that she sucked Chloe into helping her ruin my life, not caring how badly it damaged Chloe’s already fragile mind. They don’t care that ChloeknewMarissa. That she trusted Marissa was telling her the truth when she said I was her foster brother, because why would she possibly lie?
Anyone else might have seen the holes in Marissa’s theory, but for Chloe, fresh out of an institution, she couldn’t see past the opportunity for revenge.
I won’t lie, life has been fucking hard. My wife is dead, I almost lost my daughter and I’m in love with someone I know I shouldn’t be. I am in therapy, which is helping me a lot. I want to do everything I can to make sure I can be the best father I can be for Kelsie. That means making sure I am the best possible version of myself that I can be.
So things are…complicated. But what I am learning is that sometimes complicated is worth fighting for and while I can’t quite put into words how I feel about Chloe, I’m not ready to let the idea of us go, but I’m not ready to be the man she needs me to be, either.
Not yet.
Maybe one day, though.
With a sigh, I pull up outside Kelsie’s grandparents’ house and turn off the engine. Kelsie dances in her seat, chatting happily to herself. I stare at her in the rear vision mirror, anxiety eating away at me. She has no idea the magnitude of her loss. Every night, she cries for her mother because she doesn’t understand what happened or that Marissa is not coming back.
As she grows up, she’s going to have questions and I have no idea how I’m going to approach that, other than with as much honesty as I think she can handle. In the back of my mind, I worry…What if Chloe and I do end up together? What if Kelsie blames her for what happened to her mother? I know it’s a real possibility my daughter might grow up hating both of us, especially considering the way Marissa’s parents feel about me. God knows what kind of lies they will fill her head with once she’s old enough to understand.
Getting out of the car, I open the back door and ease Kelsie out of her car seat. She snuggles into me, wrapping her chubby little arms around my neck. I kiss her forehead, my heart aching for her.
“Such a good little girl,” I murmur, kissing her nose. “Daddy will be back soon, okay? You’re going to have a fun afternoon with Gran and Gramps, aren’t you?”
Kelsie giggles in response, her bright green eyes lighting up.
I reach the front door and it swings open before I have a chance to knock. Marissa’s mother stands there. Her cold eyes meet mine as she gives me a tight smile that has no warmth to it at all, but then her gaze shifts to Kelsie and her whole demeanour changes. She reaches out to take her from my arms and I let her. We may have our differences, but Kelsie has already lost her mother. I won’t be responsible for her losing her grandparents too. I’m not sure how they’d react if they knew how I felt about Chloe, so I don’t plan on telling them I’m going to see her.
“Call me if you need anything.”
She acknowledges my words with a slight nod of her head then closes the door in my face. With a sigh, I head back to my car and get in.
Taking a deep breath, I head off to see Chloe. I’ve thought about her every day. Taking a step back has been hard but it’s something I needed to do for her. The only way she has a chance of getting through this is by eliminating every other stressor in her life, myself included.
I’ve been calling the facility every day to check on her, in the hope that one day she’ll ask to see me. Today they told me she wants me to come in. I'm a nervous wreck because I have no idea what to expect or whether seeing me is going to trigger something inside her again. The last time I saw her, she looked so broken, it ripped my heart out. I’m not sure I can handle seeing her like that again.
When I see her sitting in the waiting room, all my doubts disappear. She came into my life, a hurricane of destruction, but then she did something to me. She taught me how to love again. She taught me forgiveness and how to move on. In some weird way, I think she also helped give me closure over losing my sister. I don’t need to have all the answers, nor do I have to feel responsible for what happened to Rachel. I was just a kid myself. I did what I could, like Jake did what he could to help Chloe.
That’s not all Chloe has showed me. She also reminded me what it’s like to want someone so bad that you’d do anything for them. I don’t think I ever felt that kind of connection with Marissa. There was a time I loved my wife and I’ll always be grateful for the daughter she gave me, but with Chloe…I feel like I can’t breathe without her. I feel guilty for feeling that way, especially after everything that’s happened, but I can’t pretend my feelings don’t exist.
Chloe looks up when she notices me standing there. Her smile widens, her eyes shining brightly with more life in them than I've ever seen the entire time I have known her.
“You came.” She smiles shyly at me. “I wasn’t sure you would.”
“Of course I came.”
Does she not understand how much she means to me, how long I’ve been waiting for this day? Our path has been a rocky one to say the least. While I wish I could change the path we took to get here, I don’t regret where we’ve ended up. I could never regret loving her.
“They told me you call every day to check on how I’m doing.” She pauses. “Why?”
