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“After I took you to the hospital and made sure you were taken care of, I went back for him,” he snarls, an angry growl rumbles in his throat and sends a shiver down my spine. “I found the motherfucker who violated you and I killed him. I pulled his evil soul right out of his body and took him straight to fucking Hell.”
The image of Sinn ripping out the man’s heart with his bare hands plays in my mind and I know he’s telling the truth. Instead of feeling nauseous or disgusted at the thought of Sinn killing someone in cold blood, I only feel pride and a sense of peace. Maybe that makes me evil and maybe that’s why I’m in Purgatory and not in Heaven.
"Good," I say with a tip of my chin.
I refuse to cower in my own truth. The truth that I’m glad he did what he did. I’m glad the motherfucker that hurt me, destroyed me, broke me…is dead. And not just dead but in Hell, burning forever.
“That truth doesn’t bother you?” Sinn is looking at me curiously.
“No, Sinn, it doesn’t bother me. I remember what you did to the man here in the hallway too, and it doesn’t bother me. No one has ever saved me or put me first, until you. I’ve never felt safe like I do with you. I’ve never felt seen…until you looked at me that night,” I whisper.
He leans forward and cups my face in both of his massive hands. His touch is gentle and comforting just like it was when he bathed me. It’s a touch I’ve never experienced before him and it makes my heart ache with the need for more.
“I see you, Wendee.” His voice is soft conviction.
His eyes sear into mine and I wonder if he can still feel my soul? Can he feel the amount of love that has built up over the past year for him? The love I have for my guardian angel…my Angel of Death.
He slowly pulls away from me, his touch lingers on my skin, and I want to crawl to him. I want to fall into his arms and feel his touch all over me. I want to kiss him and show him how much I appreciate all he’s done for me regardless of how evil it might be.
He clears his throat and continues, “As an Angel of Death, I have one rule. Escort souls to their final resting place. I am never to interfere with divine destiny, with fate. I took a man’s life before his time and that came with a grave consequence. My shadow wings, the very wings that allow me access to the earthly plain and the shadows that allow me to hide in plain sight, were taken from me. I was effectively trapped here with no way to get to the earthly plain again. With no way to get toyou.”
I don’t know if I can feel him the way he can feel me but right now I feel his pain. I feel his loss. “I’m so sorry,” I say through the thick emotions climbing up my throat and new tears threating to fall.
“I made the choice to kill him knowing what would happen. I don’t regret killing him but I do regret not being able to come back to you, Wendee.”
I close my eyes and I feel the tears slip through my lids and down my cheeks. I’ve been so desperate to feel something, anything, for so long and now I feel too much. I feel everything. I feel guilt for my role in Sinn’s suffering. I feel relief knowing that he didn’t abandon me. I feel happy, and sad, and angry, and cheated at the way everything happened, and uncertain about what the future holds, and just…fuck!
I feel his hands on my face again. His thumbs are wiping my tears away, but I can’t bring myself to open my eyes. I don’t want to see the emotion in Sinn’s eyes mirroring my own. Because even though he says he doesn’t regret it, how can he not hate me for all I’ve done to him? Whether I knew it or not.
“How can you not resent me?” I ask, my eyes still pinched shut. “I see the way you look at me, Sinn. You clench your hands at your sides and you look like you want tomurderme.” A sob escapes my throat. “And I don’t blame you. I cost you your shadow wings!”
“Wendee, look at me.” His voice is hard and demanding but it doesn’t sound cold and angry.
I slowly open my eyes and meet his royal blue ones. They’re storming with emotion, but I can’t lock down anything that makes sense. His anger is easy to see, so is his desire. I don’t know what this is I see in his eyes now.
“If I look at you with any type of…hardness, it’s only because I’m mad at myself for not being able to be with you. And the only reason I clench my fists is to hold myself back from touching you because your skin calls to me as strongly as your soul does, because I want to hurt you, Wendee, but even more than I want to mark your skin and hear you cry out in pain, I wanteverythingelse even more. And I’ve never been soft or gentle. I’ve never loved anyone, Wendee. I don’t know how to be that man.”
“You do know how! I’ve seen it inside of you already. I know—”
“No, Wendee!” His sudden outburst causes me to jump. He curses and pulls away from me again. “It’s not an option.”
Now it’s my turn to get angry. I can feel the frustration building up inside of me. He clearly has some kind of feelings for me, why is he being so fucking stubborn?
“Why won’t you even try?” I yell back at him.
“Because we can’t!” His deep voice rumbles with anger. “We can’t!”
My brows furrow and I watch him closely. He said we can’t, not that he doesn’t want to. There’s obviously still more to the story.
“What aren’t you telling me?” I ask. “I remember something The Crocodile said. He said that I play a role in your past AND your future. He said something about time running out for you to be your full self. He was talking about your shadow wings, wasn’t he?”
Sinn sighs in defeat and slumps back against the headboard. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this vulnerable and open before.
“You’re the reason I lost my shadow wings so, your soul being taken to its rightful place, is the only thing that will give me my shadow wings back. A soul for a soul, to right the wrong.”
“Oh. I see.”
“My job now, since I’ve lost my shadow wings and can no longer escort souls to the Afterlife, has been to help the souls in Purgatory with their unfinished business. I’m basically their guide to finding their peace and then sending them to either Heaven or Hell where they will remain forever. A soul can only remain in Purgatory for thirty days before it has to move on. You’ve been here eleven now, so you only have nineteen days left here.”
