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“That’s why you said I would be the one leaving and not you,” I scoff, and shake my head.
He’s known all along what this was, how much time we had together, and I’ve been in the dark. God, I’ve been such a fucking fool. All the cards were on the table, I saw them, I saw how he kept his distance, but I chose to ignore all the signs. My fucked-up brain was still holing on to hope that I could finally find love. Fucking idiot. I think about everything he just shared, his role in Purgatory, and how I’ve seen him meeting with different people in his booth. It oddly makes sense now.
“So, if that’s your job now, why haven’t you tried to help me with my unfinished business? Why haven’t you helped me move on,
especially if it means getting your shadow wings back?”
He looks straight at me, his face completely unreadable. “For one, I’ve been selfish. I’ve wanted to keep you here for as long as possible.”
He pauses. I wait for him to continue but he hesitates.
“And the other reason?” I prompt him.
He sighs heavily and runs a hand through his jet-black hair as he hammers the last nail into my coffin. “You’re a suicide, Wendee. That’s an unforgivable sin. When you move on, there’s only one place your soul can go.”
I try to swallow down the sudden fear that’s threatening to choke me, but I can’t. His words slice me open and it’s like I’m watching the blood seep out of my veins all over again, but this time it’s my soul I see seeping out. When I decided to take my own life, I never once thought of what that would mean beyond ending my empty and dark life. I didn’t think of the consequences as I watched my blood seep into the dirty ground of that alley. I thought that anything would be better than the cold, bleak world I was living in. Now, faced with the reality of Hell…I was so wrong. And I’m fucking terrified but I can’t say I’m surprised. Heaven has never felt real or close to me.
I scoff. “I think I’ve always known my fate. I’ve lived in Hell on earth so,” I shrug, “I guess it was clear where I was headed all along.”
A blood tainted soul.
Bound to an eternity in Hell.
Sinn
Bad Habits by Nerv
After I pulled the curtain back and revealed the truth about everything, wellalmosteverything, Wendee withdrew into herself, into her mind. I know she’s not only struggling with the truth about who I am and where she is, but WHY she’s here, and all the memories she now has to re-live fromthatnight. If I could take the memories from her, if I could protect her from this, I would. But I can’t.
I can’t save her in the way she needs saving. And need is a strong word. Wendee has one of the most resilient souls I’ve ever felt. It’s scarred and damaged, but it still manages to be pure somehow. It’s beautiful. Just as beautiful as she is physically. Wendee doesn’t need anyone to save her, she never has, but she fucking deserves it. And fuck if I don’t want to be her savior.
But I’m no one’s savior. Never have been and never will be. So, once again, I let her walk out of my penthouse when all I wanted to do was lay her down and hold her some more. But she said she needed time to process everything in her own way and in her own time. That was three fucking days ago. If she doesn’t come to the bar tonight, it will be night four. And I’m on the verge of fucking insanity. If I can’t even handle not seeing her for three nights, how am I going to survive when she moves on? She’s been here for fifteen days, which means I only have fifteen days left before she’ll no longer be in my world. Before she’ll be gone…forever.
It doesn’t make it any easier that I canfeelher. I can feel all of her pain, her confusion, her need for comfort. And I can feel her soul calling out for me just like I’ve always been able to feel it, only now it’s calling for so much more. Her soul wants connection. And not just sex, but intimacy.
Love.
And I can’t give her everything she deserves. I just can’t. So why the fuck am I power walking to her apartment? Why am I impatient to set my eyes on her, to make sure she’s ok? Why am I desperate to touch her and feel her skin? Why am I strung out with the need to be inside of her? Fuck! She’s worse than fucking heroine and I haven’t even had a straight hit yet.
I still haven’t tasted her.
I walk into her apartment building, and for the first time, Ireallysee. I’m appalled at what I see. How can she live here? It’s not the worst place I’ve ever seen but it’s not the best either. It’s old. Well taken care of, considering, but old. And the biggest issue I have with this place? It’s not fucking safe. Anyone can walk in here, access the elevator, and all that’s left between her and some fucking monster is a wooden door and a measly chain? Not to mention her apartment has access directly onto the fire escape. Anyone can break that window and be inside of her apartment without her even knowing.
“Fuck this,” I growl, as I stalk down the dimly lit hallway towards her door.
My anger is rising and I’m using her safety as an excuse for it. I mean, I AM concerned about her safety, but I’m fucking pissed off at our entire situation. I’m fucking pissed off that I’ve wasted three nights without seeing her and I only have a short time left with her. I’m fucking pissed that she waited for me on earth and that I couldn’t go to her. I’m fucking pissed off that she took her own life and damned her soul to Hell for eternity. How can such a beautiful soul be bound for such torment and destruction?
I knock on her door, harder than I intend too, and the door groans on its hinges under my strength.Fuck, Sinn, get a damn hold of yourself.
I hear shuffling inside of the apartment and a few seconds later the chain slides free, the lock clicks, and the door swings open, revealing my kryptonite. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to stay steadfast in my feelings, or lack thereof, one look at her and all of my willpower is put to the test.
She’s standing in the doorway, her hair is up in a messy bun, and there’s not a trace of makeup on her face. I feel like I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. She’s fucking perfect. And her lips, fuck, her lips are the perfect shade of pink, and they look so fucking edible. I manage to tear my gaze away from her lips and notice she’s wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt that hangs to the middle of her thighs, leaving her long, smooth legs on full display. I’m tempted to run my fingertips all the way up them, to slip underneath the shirt, and find out if she’s wearing underwear or if she’s bare.
Once again, my fists clench at my sides and I see her eyes take in my stance. Now she knows it means I’m trying not to touch her and not that I hate her, like she originally thought. The fact that she knows my secret makes me feel vulnerable and I fucking hate it. I don’t know how to be vulnerable.
“Sinn.” She looks surprised to see me. “What are you doing here?”
“It’s not safe here,” I snap, as I push past her to stand inside of her tiny apartment. “Get your things, I want you staying in the penthouse with me from now on.”
