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And if he isn’t…that would be heartbreaking in other ways. If he cares, if he has regrets, this will be even harder.
I towel off and get dressed, my eyes drifting toward the unmade queen bed over and over again. For once, the tangled sheets aren’t tangled from tossing and turning all night.
There’s a Nick-shaped hole in my life too. And the problem with knowing what you’re missing is that it’s impossible to replace. There’s only one Nikolaj Morozov in this world, and I think I knew that the second I saw him in that red kitchen.
A knock sounds on the bedroom door as I’m tugging a brush through my hair.
“Come in,” I call, my voice a little throaty and a lot nervous.
Leo wouldn’t knock.
Nick opens the door and steps inside. There’s a flash of…something in his expression as he looks me over, wet hair and bare feet. “We finished breakfast,” he says. “Is it all right if I take him for the day?”
“Oh. Uh, yeah. Of course.”
I feel like I was just rocked back on my heels. Surprised and off-kilter. I should have been expecting this. Of course Nick would want to spend time with Leo, just the two of them. I want that—for both of them. I just didn’t think I would be cut out of the picture quite so seamlessly. I’mjealous of my sonand humiliated by the realization.
I make a show of picking my phone up off the dresser and checking the time. “You guys ate fast,” I tell Nick because he’s still standing here and I’m at a loss for what else to say.
I want to ask where they’re going. If he’s taking security. What time they’ll be back. But I’m trying not to come off as a helicopter parent, and I don’t want Nick thinking I don’t trust him with Leo’s safety—because I do. There’s no one I trust it with more, honestly.
“You took a long shower,” he replies, a small smirk creasing one corner of his mouth like a comma.
I look away, blushing, but not for the reason he probably thinks. I was thinking about him in the shower, just not in a sexual sense. I’m flushed because I know this playful, teasing side of Nick doesn’t appear often. And it’s a glimpse of something I want so badly, the desire is practically acute with pain. The guy flashing me a boyish grin doesn’t look capable of any of the crimes I know Nick has committed. This version of him—carefree and lighthearted—is impossible to resist.
“We should talk,” he tells me, the smile falling away and his expression shifting to serious.
I nod, my heart galloping in my chest.
“About Leo,” Nick adds. “I want to know what to tell him.”
My head stops moving. I’m no longer sure what I’m agreeing to.
“I was thinking twice a week to start. I’d like to get him his own phone, if you’re comfortable with that. It will be encrypted and set up for international calls, just like yours. You can keep it on days we’re not scheduled to talk, but I’d prefer he keeps it at all times so he can contact me if there’s ever…” He exhales. “I would also like him to spend a few weeks with me this summer. There’s…I won’t be able to travel back here anytime soon.”
I try to ignore the pang in my chest, but it’s persistent, like a ball bouncing against the same surface over and over again.
“I have a job interview on Monday,” I tell him. “Once I know my schedule, we can figure something out.”
“Have you given school any more thought?”
“It’s the middle of the semester, Nick.”
Some bitterness leaks into my voice, and I hate that it’s there. Nothing I’m upset about is his fault. And that makes it even more difficult to swallow.
I’m on this path because of choices I made, and I can’t figure out where I chose wrong. All along, I thought I was making the right decisions. But I somehow ended up in this place I don’t want to be, with thoughts I don’t like.
His eyes scan my face, looking for something I probably don’t want him to find. I need to shut it all down when it comes to Nick. The lust and the longing and the rancor.
“Okay,” he says softly.
We stare at each other, and my mind is blank.
“Dad! I have my shoes and coat on!” The eagerness in Leo’s voice is unmistakable.
“He’ll be safe,” Nick tells me, holding my gaze.
I chew on the inside of my cheek. Nod. “I know. Have fun.”
