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“Okay sure. Why don’t you come around eight thirty or so?”
“I’ll see you then.” He heads down the porch steps without a goodbye.
I’m reminded again of the long road we have in front of us, but just like those years ago when I pictured where I hoped to be, I close my eyes and think about my future. It might not be everything I want, but for Jimmy and me to be cordial friends would be nice.
There’s nothing more awkward than no longer knowing the person you loved most at one time.
* * *
Later that night,I sit on the front porch with a glass of iced tea when Jimmy’s car pulls up the driveway. I squint and block his headlights with my hand.
My stomach tightens with knots from the thought of sharing Monica with Jimmy. Christmas morning without her. Not being able to tuck her in every night. Me watching through pictures as Jimmy shows her the ocean or takes her on exotic vacations. I want her to know her father. He’s a good man, but the world he lives in isn’t good. It’s evil. And my stomach sours with the thought of her on the cover of a magazine, paps following her and Jimmy to snap a picture to pay their rent.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried that I’ll fall into old habits with her away from me—idle hands are never good. But I’ll do whatever it takes for that not to happen. My daughter will never see me high and incoherent. Even if it means going to two meetings a day and picking up extra shifts at work.
“Hey.” Jimmy walks up the porch steps and sits in the rocking chair next to me.
He’s changed his clothes from earlier. With the cooling temperature, he’s dressed in a pair of faded jeans and a long-sleeved Henley. I divert my eyes before he notices me checking out the way the cotton hugs his shoulders and arms. The growth on his face is more like a beard than stubble now, and his dark hair is curling up at the ends. He must be growing it out for a role since he’s yet to cut it.
“Do you want something to drink?” I ask, wanting to disburse the awkwardness.
He shakes his head.
“So…”
“Sorry, this is… this is just harder than I thought it would be.” He runs his hands along his thighs and concentrates down between his legs.
“I thought I was the one who should be nervous.”
A small chuckle escapes him and he looks at me with a half grin. “You asked me what I was doing here the other day, and I never answered. The truth is that I was here to find closure. I wanted to understand what happened between us before I… before I marry Adelaide.”
“Oh.” I’m not able to hide my surprise. Of all the reasons he wanted to talk tonight, this isn’t what I expected.
I’m about as uncomfortable hearing about his impending marriage as he seems to be with bringing up the topic. But I owe him enough to not make this awkward. Jimmy deserves to be happy, and if Adelaide is her, then I need to suck it up and support him.
The night everything went to shit feels like a million years ago, but in some moments, moments like this, when all the pain and confusion from that night flares up, it feels like yesterday.
He pushes a hand through his hair. “Walking in on what I did destroyed me. I never understood how you could do that. I pushed it away, locked it away for years. But as the wedding gets closer and closer, it’s been on my mind more and more. I owe it to Adelaide to deal with my feelings about what happened so that we can start our marriage with no distractions from the past.”
Listening to him speak of Adelaide and putting her needs first urges me to keel over in pain. That was supposed to be his and my story.
But this isn’t about me. This is about giving Jimmy what he needs to get on with his life.
I clasp my hands in my lap. “What do you want to know?”
“Why you did it? It’s not like you were attracted to Bernie. I didn't care about your reason why back then. Not even a little. The fact was that whatever your reason was, you didn’t trust me enough, trust inusenough, to confide in me. Nothing you could have said would have made a difference. But as time passed, I wanted to know why you threw away what we had.”
I look at my hands, unable to meet his gaze. Unsure whether it will make things better or worse between us, I inhale a steadying breath. “Bernie told me he wanted to meet me. When I got there, he told me that your mom had been calling him, feeding him information about you that wouldn’t play well in the press. Bernie hired a PI to dig into your past. He knew you sold drugs as a teen. He kept alluding he knew more or would find out more… I couldn’t let that happen.”
Jimmy’s gripping his knees, and his knuckles turn white. “This was all because of my mother?”
“She started the ball rolling, but I was the one who went along with what Bernie demanded. At least at first.”
Unshed tears burn in my eyes as the feeling inside me that day surfaces—like the one my father made me feel. No power to change the situation.
“He said if I… messed around with him… he’d drop looking and make it go away. I’m not making excuses, but I swear, I only did it to protect you. He had the coke. That wasn’t mine, nor did I take any. Right before you walked in, I told him I couldn’t do it. I was going to call you and tell you what had happened, but then you were there like he'd set up the entire thing.”
I swipe the tears from my face, looking at Jimmy. “I’m sorry… sorry for ever putting myself in that position. I thought…” I shake my head. “I have no idea how I could have been so naïve. But you were so stressed about the upcoming role and I might have ruined my career, but yours was thriving.”
