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My workday hasn’t felt so much like time stood still since the first week I had to leave Monica. I must’ve checked my phone every five minutes to see if Jimmy had texted me with any problems. He didn’t though.
While flossing and making small talk with my clients, my mind remained on the two of them. I couldn’t stop wondering what they were doing, what they were talking about, how Monica was handling it being just the two of them.
I speed through town and pull into my driveway a few minutes earlier than I normally get home. Jimmy’s rental car is parked in the driveway. After snatching my purse from the passenger seat, I hurry out of the car, up the front steps, and into the house.
“Hello?” I call and place my purse on the front table, waiting impatiently for noise to follow. The house is silent. “Hello?”
With no response, panic wraps around me like a vise.
Where could they be? Why aren’t they here?
Jimmy didn’t take her, did he? No, his car is there.
“Monica?” I yell, checking every room in the house. “Monica!”
My heart races and my breathing grows shallow when I reach the back of the house with no sign of either Jimmy or Monica. I run down the hall to her bedroom for a second time. Maybe they’re playing a game to hide and surprise me.
“Monica!”
Then something catches my eye out the window, and I rush to see what it is. My whooshing breath tumbles out of me, and my hand covers my chest. They’re playing leapfrog in the backyard. Eventually the coiled tension loosens and the panic attack that almost came fades.
After I change my clothes, I walk out of my bedroom right as Monica, on Jimmy’s back, comes inside the house. I smile, and a weird sensation of déjà vu hits me. I know for sure this has never happened before.
Then it clicks. It’s a scene so similar to the one I used to think of after rehab. My 'why' to getting clean. When Jimmy told me to picture myself ten years in the future. The difference is now, it will never be how I dreamed it. We’re not a happy family unit. Jimmy isn’t coming here to be with us. He’s coming for Monica.
Jimmy gives me an odd look. “Hey, I didn’t know you were home. How was work?”
“Mommy!” Monica yells and Jimmy crouches, sliding her down his back.
She runs and gives me a big hug. I squeeze her tightly. The warmth of her small arms around my neck is the best feeling in the world.
“Hey, kiddo.” I kiss the top of her head. “Did you have a fun day with Jimmy?”
She pulls away and nods a bunch of times. “We did so much fun stuff!”
“That’s great, sweetie.”
“Well, I better be going. Thanks for letting me hang out with you today, Monica.” Jimmy lowers himself to one knee, and Monica rushes over to give him a hug goodbye.
He closes his eyes, nuzzling his head into her neck as though he feels the same way I did moments ago. The warmth of love for his daughter. She backs up, and he ruffles her hair.
“Kiddo, why don’t you go wash your hands and I'll say goodbye to Jimmy, okay? We’re going to have dinner soon.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
I smile and wait until she’s down the hall and I hear the water running before I nod at Jimmy to follow me onto the front porch. “Everything went okay today?”
“No problems at all. She’s such a sweet girl. And she’s so smart.” His voice holds a hint of awe.
“She is. I’m glad things went smoothly.”
He looks at me for a moment. Even though we haven’t been close in years, I know he has something else he wants to say.
“What? Just say it.” I brace myself.
“I was wondering if I could come by tonight after Monica is in bed? We need to talk.” He shoves his hands into his pockets.
The phrase is ominous, but he’s right. We need to figure out how to handle this situation going forward. Not knowing a schedule is wearing a hole in my stomach, and there are only so many meetings I’m able to attend.
