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I drop down to the mattress, sweating and panting, trying to catch my breath. Jimmy rolls off to the side and onto his back, his arms raised over his head, his chest rising and falling as he draws in air. I admire him for a moment—the extraordinary man who gives me so much of himself and looks at me as though I’m the love of his life. My body is physically sated, but my mind is full of turmoil. Guilt fills me, and I roll over to face away from Jimmy. The bed shifts, and his finger glides up and down my spine as my thoughts drift to our first time together.
“Please, Jimmy?”
“I already told you to forget it.”
We were in my bedroom. I was fifteen and young, but my dad had already made sure I knew all about sex.
The reason I was asking my best friend was because I wanted to know what it felt like to actually welcome someone of my own choosing into my body.
“Why not?” I crossed my arms, and his eyes dipped to my chest.
“Because you’re just a kid.” He lifted himself off the mattress to leave, but I pushed him back down and stood my ground.
“You’re only two years older than me,” I argued.
Jimmy wasn’t a virgin. He didn’t talk with me much about that stuff, but when I started at the high school this year, I could tell that a few girls looked at him as though theyknewhim.
“Don’t you want to?” I asked, and even I could hear the hurt in my voice.
His face fell, and he took my hand and pulled me down to sit in front of him on the mattress. “Believe me, that’s not the problem.” He let my hand go and pushed his own through his dark hair while he blew out a breath.
We’d made out and done some heavy petting, but always with our clothes on.
“Then why won’t you?” Much to my humiliation, I felt tears gathering in my eyes. I prided myself on being tough and able to handle anything. My vulnerability made me feel weak, and I hated myself for it.
“I don’t know how to explain it… I would feel like I was taking advantage of you. You’re only fifteen.” His dark eyes begged me to understand.
I shook my head. He didn’t understand. I pulled up the tattered ends of my tank top, leaving me wearing only my bra as I sat in front of him.
His jaw slackened, and he swallowed audibly. Both his nose and his eyes flared as his eyes soaked me in.
That was the first time I realized that I could use my sexuality against people to get what I wanted. It was a lesson I never forgot.
It was summer, and the long days were thick with humidity. Crickets chirped in the background, mixed with Jimmy’s labored breathing.
I leaned into him, threading one hand through his hair and pressing my chest to his bare one. “Please, Jimmy. I want to know what it feels like to be withyou.”
Jimmy’s face softened because he understood what I meant was, “not him.” Slowly, he wrapped his arm around me. “Are you sure? Really sure?” His finger tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.
I nodded, excitement threading through my belly.
“Once we do this, things will be different with us.”
The way he said it made it sound like a promise, and at the time, all I wanted was for things in my life to be different, so I nodded again and bit my bottom lip.
He groaned deep in his throat.
“Please do this for me,” I whispered. “Please let me know what it feels like to be with someone I want to be with.”
“I’d do anything for you. You know that.” He leaned in and kissed me. It was hard and fast and fierce, and I never wanted it to end.
From that day on, we were even more inseparable than we had been. Lost in a bubble of lust and love. For the first time, I thought of my future, a future only with Jimmy.
“What are you thinking about?” Jimmy’s voice draws me from my memories. He places a chaste kiss on my bare shoulder.
“Just remembering,” I murmur, leaving my back to him.
“Good or bad?” His fingertips strum along my spine.
