AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“There’s something else I want to talk about,” she says in a low voice.
My gaze locks with her. “Okaaay…”
Her hands twitch in mine and I can tell that she’s nervous. I have no idea what the hell this is about.
Drawing in a deep breath, she closes her eyes for a moment. “The first thing I want to do is apologize for all the damage I’ve done over the years. There’re too many things to list them all, but we both know what they are.”
I want to cut her off and protect her from the guilt about the past. I don’t care about any of the shit she did. But a part of her recovery is making amends with the people she’s hurt, so I press my lips together and let her continue.
“I’ve done so many selfish and hurtful things—some unintentionally and some on purpose to hurt you when I was lashing out.”
My mind drifts over her more biting comments. Visions of her messing around with other guys in front of me to get a rise out of me pummel my brain, but I force them back. We’re starting over.
“For that, I’m truly sorry. If I could take it all back, I would, but the best I can do is tell you that I’m committed to not being that person—the addict—anymore. The only thing I control going forward is my behavior, but I won’t let you be hurt because of me any longer. I vow to you that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that’s the case.”
I seize her pause as my opportunity to speak. “Thank you for the apology. I’m glad we’re getting this fresh start.”
Her shoulders fall. Was she honestly worried I wouldn’t forgive her? “I’m glad to hear you say that, because I want to talk about our relationship going forward and what I’d like it to look like.”
I try not to let my disappointment show. I know what she’s going to tell me—that I’m a trigger for her and we can no longer be together in any kind of romantic way. I understand that. I do. I’ll even support it, but it’s hard to sit here and hide my utter devastation while I wait for her to deliver the hammer to something I’ve wanted for so long.
My eyes are set on our hands because I can’t look her in the eyes.
“The first thing you need to know is that I love you, Jimmy.”
My gaze flicks up to meet hers.
“I’ve always loved you. I know I didn’t speak the words until it was too late, but you need to know that I did mean them. You’re the most important thing to me, and I only want your happiness.”
I swallow, unable to speak because I can see—hell, I can feel—that she means what she’s saying. The moment is surreal. Running away from Virginia, becoming an actor, getting the part of The Regulator. All of those were dreams I hoped for but doubted could happen, but Lilah admitting she loves me? That always seemed more impossible than all the rest.
“I did love you in the past and I love you in the present, and if you’ll have me, I want to love you in the future. The way normal people do. A real relationship. I want to be with you, Jimmy, and I can’t be here with you and pretend otherwise any longer.”
Elation bubbles in my blood. I cup her cheek and smile until a realization dawns on me. My smile falters and I remove my hands from her, standing from my chair and running my hand through my hair.
She’s a recovering addict. They’re not supposed to have any romantic entanglements for at least a year after becoming sober. So even though I’m being offered what I’ve waited a lifetime for, I can’t accept it.
I pace as Lilah sits silently.
“You don’t feel that way about me anymore. I’ve done too much damage.” The pain in her voice is clear, but at the same time, she sounds resigned.
“No, that’s not it.” I shake my head. “What about your sobriety?”
She walks over to me. “What about it?”
“Aren’t you supposed to not be involved with anyone until you’ve been sober for at least a year?”
She glances at her hands. “That is something they recommend, though it’s not a hard-and-fast rule.”
“Listen…” I step into her, holding her face. My bare chest almost brushes against her damp swimsuit, but I deny myself the pleasure. It will only make it harder to get the words out. “You are so much a part of me that I don’t know where I end, and you begin. Of course I still love you.” I kiss her forehead and hold my lips there for a few seconds longer than necessary, basking in having her skin under mine again. “But I’ll wait. I will wait for you.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t want to wait a year. I can’t. Now that I’ve finally accepted my love for you and decided to give you all of me, I can’t wait.” She grips my wrists while I hold her face. “Please don’t ask me to.”
“Lilah… I couldn’t bear it if I was your undoing.” My chest constricts just thinking of the gaping wound that I’d be left with if she started using again. I’d never hurt her on purpose, but as we both know, some of the biggest things that affect you in life, you aren’t in control of.
“Don’t you see?” The corners of her lips lift in a small smile. “You’ve always been what’s given me the strength to go on. I know what the doctrine says, but I know us too. I know you.” She places a tentative kiss on my lips.
She’s home. She always has been. That will never change.
