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Jimmy loves me, and I love him, and our love is enough.
I push the negative thoughts from my head—the ones that tell me he only wants to use me for my body and the pleasure it can give him. The ones that say I’m worthless, the ones that make me believe I’ll never be enough for a man like Jimmy. I put them all into a pile in my mind, douse them with gasoline, and light a match.
I reach for him, and even though he doesn’t know it, I’m giving him more than my body in this moment. I’m giving him my soul.
Our tongues slowly tangle in a tender kiss. His hand’s in my hair, mine in his. He slides down the bottom of my bathing suit with care, followed by pulling the top over my head. I push his shorts down his hips until they fall to the floor, careful not to catch his straining erection.
We stand with our hands linked, drinking in one another.
I’ve never been embarrassed or insecure about my body, but laying my soul and heart out there is a lot harder. Those are more precious. I want to cover myself up, but I don’t. I force myself to remain under his gaze because it’s not my body I’m afraid to let him see; it’s the me that sits inside my outer shell. But I need him to see it. I need him to seemeand accept me.
His gaze, filled with love and acceptance and most importantly forgiveness, finally meets mine. Wiping our slate clean.
He leads me to the bed and I crawl up. There will be no foreplay in our coming together this time. We’re beyond dirty words and physical sensations.
He crawls over me, and I breathe a sigh of relief with the familiarity of his weight as he lowers himself just enough to make contact with my skin. His warmth seeps into me, and I brush the hair falling off his forehead.
Jimmy kisses me slowly and languidly, with a relaxed comfort. Our tongues meet and neither of us vies for control. The kiss draws to its natural end before he props himself up on his elbows over me, cupping my cheek.
“I love you, Lilah. I’ve always loved you and I always will. That is my promise to you.”
My chest swells, and tears spring to my eyes. His gaze never wavers, giving me his patience as I collect myself before I can speak.
“I love you, Jimmy. And I promise you I’ll never stop. No matter what happens. I’ll always protect you the way you’ve protected me for so long.”
Our lips meet, and I open my legs for him, welcoming him inside me.
He pulls back for a beat, silently asking if we’re still safe without a condom. I haven’t been with anyone since I entered rehab and I had a full physical there, so I know I’m safe. I don’t care to know if he’s been with anyone while we were apart. Nothing matters except this moment.
I give him the smallest of nods and he pushes inside me, his eyes drifting closed. I try to keep mine open as long as possible, but I too close my eyes as he fits himself perfectly inside me. He drags his length out and I open my eyes, needing to see the pleasure in his expression. When I do, he’s watching me.
Our gazes never waver as he slides in and out of me. Every thrust is like a promise to love, protect, cherish, and accept.
The grind of his hips when he’s fully seated rubs against my swollen clit and my orgasm builds. It’s slow, as if we’re repairing us brick by brick every time he pushes in.
Words don’t leave our lips, but it doesn’t matter. What we’re sharing is more intimate than any words could express. Emotion swells between us and eventually I cry out, close my eyes, and press my head back into the bed as my climax washes over me. Jimmy comes moments later, and I watch the pleasure in every twitch of his face and groan from his mouth.
He’s not quick to get up. Instead, our lips tangle and mesh as our hands lightly run over each other’s body.
When he pulls out, the evidence of his pleasure leaks out of me, but I don’t care. I don’t want to leave this bed or the serenity we’ve created.
He rolls onto his back and pulls me into his side, stroking my arm with his hand. I close my eyes and squeeze him, truly the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
“I want you to move your things in here. If we’re doing this—really doing this—I want you sleeping in my bedeverynight.”
I place my chin on his chest and look up at him, my hand stroking his cheek, and nod. The delight and surprise in his eyes when I don’t put up a fuss like I did months ago warms me, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that I made the right choice by telling him my feelings.
For the first time, my future is bright.
Chapter Thirty-five
JIMMY
Most of my time these past few weeks I’ve spent trying to keep Lilah busy. The Pier being our go to place since it offers the privacy as long as we’re wearing disguises.
She’s forming her own routine—swimming every day, sometimes twice, attending daily meetings, and reading a lot of self-help books. Outwardly it appears she’s great, but I sense she’s hiding how hard recovery really is for her.
A couple of times I’ve woken in the middle of the night to find her sitting on the deck. She says she’s listening to the sound of the waves rolling in because she can’t sleep. I worry on those nights, and even though she sends me back to bed, saying she’s fine, I lie awake, hoping she’s not slipping out to meet one of her old dealers.
