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Everything inside Simon rebelled at the idea.
Hudson nodded. “Yeah, no. I see the look on your face. You don’t like that idea one bit. Didn’t think you would. Soft-hearted sap that you are under that boss brain of yours. But you’re not the boss any longer, are you?
“Meaning?” Simon asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Meaning I think you want something to do. A project. Or a pet.”
Simon abruptly sat down on the stairs. “Ben isn’t a pet.” He didn’t deny that Ben would be a project, however, because that felt far entirely too accurate.
“Ben,” Hudson said, “is a young man who’s been living this crazy hard life when suddenly the man he idolizes comes from on high like a damn angel to save him. At Christmas, too. It’s like a goddamned Hallmark movie.”
“What do you mean, idolizes? I just met him yesterday.”
Hudson sighed. “Get the kid to show you his sketches. I flipped through the book when I was putting his stuff away. I think you’ll find it enlightening. He might be a stranger to you but you are definitely not one to him. And once you take a look at that book, I don’t think you’ll be able to send him back to his old life. Not even with a nice place to live and maybe a cushier job. So be careful, boss. He would be your pet if you wanted him to be and you’ll want to make him into a project. Iknowyou. I know how you operate. But he’s a person, Simon. Try not to forget that. Okay?”
Simon merely nodded. When Hudson resorted to calling him Simon things were pretty dire as far as Hudson was concerned.
“Great. Night, boss.” Hudson patted Simon’s shoulder.
“So you think Ben’s gay?” Simon asked as Hudson started to walk down the stairs.
Hudson paused mid-step then turned back around. “I’m positive he is. Take it to the bank.”
“But I’m not.”
Hudson stared at Simon so hard he felt like his soul had been examined with a magnifying glass. “Boss, I don’t think you have any idea what you are.” Then he turned back around and continued his descent.
Simon was too shocked to protest or ask any more questions. He stood and walked to his bedroom suite, intending to go straight to bed. He tried to look at the situation how Ben might and failed. It was too large a leap in his mind to make. No wonder Ben had experienced a minor mental breakdown. Everything must have been too overwhelming to process. It made Simon glad he’d put Ben in the plainest bedroom in the house.
That reminded him. He needed to text Ben to make sure he had Simon’s number in his phone.
Simon:This is me, Simon.
Simon:I want you to feel completely comfortable here. Let me know if there is anything at all that you need.
That seemed sufficient. Simon put on his silk pajamas and got into bed, but he found one of the things Hudson had said wouldn’t leave his head.
I don’t think you have any idea what you are.
He wasn’t gay. Simon had never been attracted to other men. On the other hand, he’d never been much attracted to women, either. In high school it had been easy to date. He’d picked the most sought-after girl and asked her out and invariably she’d say yes. He never had a steady girlfriend, but his parents had been happy with that. He’d been taking his education seriously.
Then in college, who to date wasn’t clear-cut anymore. The people around him paired up in ways that often made no sense to Simon. They clicked together and fit but he was never sure how they figured that out. Simon never found anyone who clicked with him like that. But again, he’d been concentrating on his education.
After graduation, his job had been everything. The two closest relationships in his life, Simon realized, were with his employees: Celia, the housekeeper, and Hudson. After that it was family members he could best tolerate, like Jefferson and his mother and a few cousins here and there. He had scores of acquaintances. Enough to easily fill a ballroom to capacity. What he didn’t have was a “person.” Celia had her wife, his mother’s soulmate had been Simon’s father. Roberta had her husband and kids, and even the single Hudson dated on a regular basis. Simon had… nothing with no one, and apparently he hadn’t wanted anything because he’d never before felt like something was missing from his life.
Now, quite suddenly, there was Ben who had quite literally fallen into Simon’s path. He could admit to himself, in bed and in the dark, that he liked knowing Ben was safe and warm and in Simon’s house. He didn’t want the man to be anywhere else. He felt… responsible for him. No, it didn’t make any sense at all, but there it was. Ben was his to take care of.
Ben was justhis.
But what did that even mean? He’d seen how old Ben was from his state ID and Simon could have been his father, if a somewhat young one. What he felt for Ben, from nearly the very beginning, however, didn’t strike him as at all paternal. He didn’t think Ben was a pet, either, whatever Hudson had meant by that. He couldn’t imagine keeping a person as a pet. Ben wasn’t a project, either. Or that wasn’t entirely what he was. Hudson was right in that Simon did like to throw money at problems and Ben was a problem that could use exactly that sort of solution. At least in the short term. But Hudson had been right about one thing. It wasn’t something that could be kept up indefinitely. At some point Ben would have to go back to living his own life without Simon’s money or interference or care.
Even if Simon hated the idea of that already.
Simon knew he cared for Ben and the emotion felt achingly real for something so new. It was almost as if Ben was a piece that Simon had been missing without realizing it, and now that he’d been slotted into place, Simon didn’t want to let him, or the feeling of completeness, go.
Was that what people had meant when they’d talked about clicking?
Which brought Simon back to not being gay.
