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“So there’s no one to be upset that we were cuddling on this couch?”
“Potentially my mother, but being upset with me is practically her hobby.”
“Areyouupset we were cuddling?”
Simon looked thoughtful and he took a long enough time to answer that Ben felt his stomach sink. “No. I don’t think so. I hadn’t intended on it. I don’t want you to think that I expect, well,anythingfrom you.”
Ben didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Simon, you confuse me so much.”
Simon looked confused as well. “In what way?”
“You took me to the hospital and stayed by my side. Then you drove me home. Then you decided I needed to go to your home, which is like a palace. Then you offer to let me sketch you nude. Then you get all freaked out after perfectly innocent cuddling with all our clothes on. Please, Simon, tell me what to think. Or at least tell me what you want from me. And don’t you dare say ‘nothing’ because I don’t believe it. Everyone wants something.”
Simon’s expression shuttered. “What do you want, Ben?”
What little fight Ben had in him dissolved. He felt inexpressibly exhausted at that moment, like every bit of his infection smacked him in the face all at once. “I want a job that sucks less. I want more time for my art. I want to be able to afford to buy new pencils whenever I need them. I want an apartment that doesn’t flood and a landlord who’s less of a jerk. I want to know that someone gives a damn about me. This afternoon I wanted to feel less alone. I guess I thought you felt the same.”
Simon didn’t say anything for what felt like eons. It was long enough that Ben considered getting up and going back to his borrowed bed.
“I want… things I shouldn’t,” Simon eventually said.
Disappointment crashed inside Ben. It figured that the man he’d been drooling over for ages was straight, or at least didn’t want to admit that he wasn’t. “I get it,” he said with a sigh. “Unfortunately.”
“I don’t think you do,” Simon said slowly.
“Trust me, Simon, I totally do. I’ve had this conversation before. At leastyouaren’t married. This is when you go all ‘no homo’ on me and that’s fine, Simon. You didn’t have to rescue me in the first place, although I’m grateful you did. You don’t have to keep me company. I’m good. I’ll find a way to pay you back for the prescriptions. You can take it out of my paycheck, I guess. And I’ll start looking for a new place today. I’ll be gone before you know it.”
“No,” Simon said. “I don’t want any of that. I don’t want you to leave.”
Ben closed his eyes, wishing he was in bed and none of this had happened. “Then what do you want, Simon?”
He looked conflicted, as if waging a war inside himself. “I want you to stay. I don’t want you to go.”
“Yes, you said that, and it’s very nice of you, but—”
“No, Benny. It’s not at all nice.” Ben opened his eyes to see Simon looking serious to the point of being grim.
Ben had no idea what Simon was getting at. “I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I.” Simon buried both of his hands in his short hair and tugged on it. He seemed as frustrated as Ben felt.
Simon was upset and Ben regretted jumping all over him. It was just that he had a long and ugly history of hooking up with guys who wanted to fuck him but never, ever keep him. He’d sworn to himself to never make that mistake again, and yet, here he was.
“I don’t want you to leave,” Simon repeated. “I won’t allow it.”
Ben didn’t particularly want to leave, either, but he couldn’t say that to Simon. Things were weird enough as it was. Simon was being polite and Ben wanted to cling to him like a possessive octopus. Then the second part of what Simon had said sank in.
“What do you mean you won’t allow it?” Ben’s heart kicked up into triple-time. Those words should have frightened him, and there was a small sliver of him that was a little wary, but that just added to the thrill of Simon tripping over Ben’s favorite fantasy: he was at the mercy of another man who could do anythingto Ben, or make Ben do anything he pleased, and there was nothing at all he could do about it. Ben’s cock, which had next to no sense of self-preservation, started to swell.
Simon only stared at Ben without responding.
“Am I your prisoner? Your captive?” Ben held himself still but he desperately wanted to touch himself, as terrible an idea as that was.
“My guest. You’re my guest.”
“So I can just decide to leave? This evening? Or right now?”
Simon bit his lip then cleared his expression and firmed his jaw. “No. I’m sorry, but no.”
