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Ben continued to stroke whatever skin he could reach on Simon. “I think I know what you’re talking about.”
Simon looked surprised. “Are you like that, too? I’m not the only one?”
“No, Simon, you’re not alone, but I’m not like that. I haven’t had sex in a long time, but it was mostly because I was too tired to care. It’s hard to be horny when you feel exhausted all the time.”
Simon’s hopeful expression died away. “Oh. You’re not like me.”
Ben darted forward to brush his lips against Simon’s. They caught, and clung, and the kiss deepened into something that had Ben’s cock stirring with interest. He pulled back just enough to say, “I don’t have to be like you to understand. There’s a word for it, even. I think you’re demisexual, or something similar. You don’t experience desire easily, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“It’s been different with you, almost from the very first.”
“When I was unconscious and half-dead in the snow?
Simon chuckled. “Perhaps not that quickly. But sitting by your side in the hospital. All those hours. I couldn’t stop staring at your face. It was—is—the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I didn’t want to leave you. Wild horses couldn’t have dragged me away. When we went to drop you off, I had already planned to call you the next day so I could see how you were, and to ask if I could visit. But then I saw where you lived and I just couldn’t—and I know Hudson felt the same way. You had to come home with me. It was the only solution. And Ben…”
“Yeah?” he whispered, entranced by Simon’s words but unable to reconcile that they referred to him.
“I was horribly, selfishlygladto take you home. I knew it was wrong to be pleased for hardship to befall another person, but all I saw was the opportunity to see more of you. And now…”
Ben waited for Simon to go on but he didn’t. “What now?” he asked gently.
“It’s bad enough to think but terrible to say out loud. Now, Benny, I want to keep you forever.”
That certainly wasn’t the worst thing Simon could’ve said. In a way, it was swoony and romantic. But it also worried Ben. “I’m not a tchotchke to stick on a shelf, like that glass ball you got me today. You can’t want to keep me forever. You don’t even know me.”
Simon sighed. “I told you it was terrible. And no, I don’t know enough about you, but I want to learn. I want to learn every last thing.”
Ben pulled back, putting some space in between them. “Exactly how are you planning on doing that, Simon? I work for you. How on earth could I date you?”
Simon frowned. “You don’t really work for me. And if what we did tonight wasn’t a date, I don’t know what is.”
“I work for the company that maintains the buildingyouown,” Ben pointed out. “It’s got your name on it, for heaven’s sake. As for tonight…” Ben sighed. “It was a dream. You employing me is reality.”
Simon ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t even work there anymore. I’ve handed off the business to my nephew.” He bit his lip. “I still own the building, so you have a point, but Benny, whatshouldI do? I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. With you I feel this achy desire that itches under my skin and makes me want to do really stupid things, but I still don’t want to give it up. I have no hope of finding this with someone else, so Ican’tgive you up. Not without a fight. And if I lose that fight, I just…I don’t know what I’ll do. Other than eventually go back to an existence that seems, in comparison to how I feel now, completely devoid of all color.” Simon sounded deeply unhappy. “And I know I’m an asshole for putting this all onto you, but this is how I feel. It’s entirely too soon and absolutely inappropriate and I still want you to never leave me. I’m so sorry, Benny.”
Ben felt like crying, but not because he was sad, precisely. What he felt was more akin to frustration and a sense of helplessness. The sheer raw emotion Simon gave off was palpable and Ben felt like it might be possible to drown in it. He couldn’t believe anyone could feel so strongly about him, let alone someone like Simon. He was kind and gorgeous and totally out of Ben’s league. But Simon had put his feelings out there for Ben to stomp on if he felt like it, so he gave the same courtesy back. “You’re a fairy tale prince, but I’m no princess, so that’s our first problem. I’m not even the scullery maid. I’m ajanitor,Simon. I come from a small town downstate that you’ve never heard of and I went to college for only two years because I couldn’t keep up my grades and work full-time. I have no culture. I grew up without TV or movies or even books. Until I went to college, the only books I read were the ones assigned at school and Momma’s bible. I am common as dirt and just as boring. I go to work and sometimes I sketch. That’s it. There’s nothing here to want, or love, or keep. And when it’s time to leave you, I’ll have less than nothing, and I’m not sure I'm strong enough to face that.”
Simon looked absolutely stricken. “Benny, I don’t want you to leave. Not ever. You don’t have to go anywhere.”
Ben closed his eyes and tried to center himself because he wanted to burst into tears and let Simon comfort him, as he clearly wanted to. Ben felt helpless and frustrated and sad and even a little angry. He needed to somehow convey all that to Simon and he wasn’t sure how. “In my place, what would you do if a rich stranger plucked you out of your life, romanced you and had sex with you and said he was going to change your life forever, give you everything you’ve always wanted, just to make you stay with him?”
Simon looked sulky. “That doesn’t sound too bad to me.”
Ben groaned. Of course Simon couldn’t understand. The gulf between them was just too great. “Simon, what you just proposed could be a dream come true. But it could just as easily be a nightmare. My life—it’s not great. It’s hard and I’m tired all the time and a lot of it sucks. But I used to have a home, you know. A pretty nice one.” He laughed and was aware the sound had an edge to it. “Not as nice as this, but it was warm in winter and cool in the summer and I always had enough to eat. My bedroom was never flooded or damp with patches of mold I have to spray with bleach, so it smells like I live in a pool. But even with all of that, I couldn’t stay there. Do you know why?”
Simon looked at Ben with huge, sad eyes that just about broke Ben’s heart, but there was too much at stake to give in to Simon and everything he wanted to do with and for Ben. “No. Why, Benny? If you didn’t have to, why would you live like you were?”
“Because I had freedom, Simon. That nice home I came from had rules I couldn’t follow, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t be what Momma wanted, not without losing myself entirely. So when Momma said I had to either follow everything she believed in or leave forever, I chose my freedom instead.”
“I would never—” Simon started to say but Ben silenced him by placing his fingers across Simon’s lips.
“It wouldn’t matter,” Ben said. “Don’t you see? Both of us will always know that I’ll always owe you everything. What if we grow to resent each other and this trap you’re throwing us into? Because I think I will.”
“What trap?” Simon asked. He seemed genuinely confused, as if he had no idea what Ben could possibly be talking about and that squeezed Ben’s heart so hard it hurt. “I would never trap you.”
“But you would,” Ben insisted. “And you’d trap yourself. You say you’ll always want me, and need me, and whatever, but there could come a day when you don’t. And because I’m mostly sure you’re not a horrible person, you’ll bury your feelings deep. And over time, you’ll come to resent me. Even hate me. But you’ll be trapped by promises you made to yourself. Promises you didn’t really understand. And what if the opposite happens? What if I come to resent you and all the power you hold over me? I’ll be bitter and miserable and I’ll make you miserable right along with me. You have to know this won’t work. It could never work.”
Simon’s expression had become increasingly distraught as Ben talked. Now he also looked like he was on the verge of tears. “Do you want to go that badly? To get away from me? Because—”
