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“Exactly,” Simon said, then he kissed Ben until he forgot about everything altogether.
Much later, Simon took Ben into the bathroom, put a plastic cover over his cast, then took him into the ginormous shower and washed him. It took way too much soap and scrubbing to get the dried cum off Ben’s skin and hair.
“I regret all my decisions,” he complained.
Simon’s soapy hands caressed him. “All of them?” Simon asked.
“Maybe not all of them,” Ben allowed generously.
“Good,” Simon said. He nipped at Ben’s kiss-swollen lips. “Because I’m not giving you up.”
“Good,” Ben agreed, “because I don’t want to give you up, either.”
“Then will you marry me?”
Ben took a step back from Simon so he could look up at him. He was so handsome and gallant and charming, just like a prince, but he also wasn’t thinking clearly. “No,” he said. “I won’t marry you.”
36
Simon Gets an Explanation
Sunday, December 24
Simon’s bathroom
The Gold Coast
Simon stood under the pounding hot water and couldn’t believe his ears. “Excuse me?”
“You just met me,” Ben said, hunching in on himself but still looking up at Simon with determination. “Now you want to marry me. That’s crazy, Simon.”
Through numb lips Simon said, “But you said—youjustsaid—that you didn’t want to give me up. Which is it, Ben?”
Ben tucked himself into the corner of the shower as if he needed the marble walls to hold him up. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, does it?”
Anger rolled through Simon. Abruptly he turned the water off. “You said you loved me.”
“Ido,” Ben insisted. “It’s why I won’t marry you. Not now, at least. I care about you, Simon. I care enough to save you from yourself.”
Simon wanted to hit something, so he opened the shower’s glass door and stepped out into the bathroom. He grabbed a towel from the rack and started drying off. He needed to get ahold of himself before he did or said something he regretted. After lifting the towel away from his head, Simon saw Ben had left the shower as well and was trying, without much success, to dry himself with only one hand. Wrapping the towel around his waist, Simon strode over to Ben, grabbed the towel from him, and began to dry him. He started with brisk efficiency but touching Ben did something to Simon that calmed him and then turned him into mush. He finished drying Ben with soft strokes of the towel that were more like caresses. Then he took off Ben’s cast cover and made sure the cast itself hadn’t gotten wet.
“Here.” Simon took the towel and wrapped it around Ben’s waist then grabbed his sling off the counter and pulled it over Ben’s neck, gently settling Ben’s arm inside it. That accomplished, he leaned back against the vanity. “Please explain,” he said, most of his anger leeched out of him.
“There is this kind of unwritten law in the gay community, but it’s like the gravity kind of law, not the legal kind. Straight men will break your heart. I’m sure there’s exceptions, although I don’t know any personally, or have even heard of them second-hand. As tempting as it is, as much as you might want to, you can’t turn a straight man gay.” Ben nibbled on his lip nervously but he stood his ground.
Simon thought that was a ridiculous argument. “Pretty certain I’m not gay, Ben, and you might have opened some kind of door inside me, but that door was always there, just waiting for the right person to try the handle and turn the knob. And if I hadn’t met you, it might have stayed closed forever. But I did meet you and you opened that door and you walked right into my damn soul. And now you’re telling me that never happened?”
Ben shook his head. “Simon, you have to understand. You don’t exist. You’re a myth. A fairy tale. Insanely wealthy straight men do not take in poor nobodies like me in real life. That doesn’t happen. It’s like…” Ben closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again. “It’s like Scrooge, right? In the story he sees three ghosts and suddenly he’s a good guy, buying geese and getting Tiny Tim that operation he needs and paying Bob Cratchit a living wage. It makes a fantastic story, but it’s not real. No, I don’t want to give you up. Dammit, Simon, you’re a unicorn, the embodiment of myfairy tale. My literal prince charming. You are everything I’ve always wanted. How could I not fall for you? But you’ll wake up one day and the dream will be over, and if it’s just us, it won’t be so hard, you see? Just one quick chop and it’s over. But if we got married, when you wake up it won’t be that easy. You’ll destroy me in little dribs and drabs because we won’t be allowed to make a clean break. So no, I won’t marry you.”
Simon remembered the pain of his heart attack. It had been overwhelming. This was somehow worse. “So that’s it? You’re leaving now because it’seasier?” None of this felt anywhere near easy to Simon.
Ben walked toward Simon, an incongruous frown on his pretty face, stopping when he was only inches away. “No, that’s not what I’m saying at all! You’re notlistening!”
“What I heard is that we’re bound to fail so let’s end it now to save on paperwork.”
“No!” Ben stamped his foot, which made his towel fall down, but he didn’t pay it any mind. “What I’m saying is that I will spend every minute I can with you. To the very last one, if I’m lucky. I will live with you and be faithful to you and I don’t care if you lose all your money tomorrow, I won’t leave.” He swung his good arm up and gestured around the room. “This gorgeous house isn’t my home. It’ll never be my home.”
The pain, which had begun to ease, stabbed him again. Simon, who couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried, although it might have been when his father passed away, felt tears prickle in his eyes. He closed them and felt one tear fall.
