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“This is what we do to ourselves and those around us,” I explained quietly. “When we’re together, things go to shit. We fight, we hurt each other, we interrupt others’ good times, we cause rifts.”
Despite that, we had friends rooting for us. It went beyond my comprehension.
Walker released a long breath and didn’t respond right away. Instead, we walked in silence along the water’s edge where the sand was denser.
“You need more sunscreen.”
I glanced at my shoulders and touched one of them, figuring he was right. They looked a little red.
“Let’s get out of the sun.” He motioned for a fallen tree close to where the jungle began, and I was dumb enough to follow. Snakes be damned. I did want that shade.
Rather than sitting down on the palm tree, I planted my ass in the sand so I could use the trunk as a backrest. Walker did the same.
I peered up at the broad leaves swaying in the slight breeze above us. Nothing but clear blue sky after that.
“We’re likable people, Macklin. We just turned something wonderful into a disaster nobody wanted to be around, not even us. I didn’t like who I became when I was with you—and I know you felt that too.”
I did. I had.
“I never felt truly secure with us as a couple,” he went on. “So I became jealous and petty. I nitpicked and overanalyzed. I wanted to control you.” He brushed some sand off his khaki shorts. “All unlikable traits.”
I pulled up my knees and rested my arms on them. “You’ve never told me this before.”
He chuckled quietly. “Because you were my weakness, not my strength. Which infuriated me—and it made me… I don’t know. But admitting flaws and wrongdoings wasn’t at the top of my list.”
We’d both been horrible at admitting when we’d done something wrong.
I hugged my knees closer to my chest and took a steady breath. The hurt had faded for the moment. Right here and now, things felt…almost peaceful. Broken and dented but sort of okay. As if we were sitting in the destruction we’d caused, ready for peace talks.
A treaty.
One could hope.
Then again…in five seconds, we could be shouting at each other.
“I met someone last year,” he admitted.
Just like that, my chest seized up with jealousy. Had he loved that man? Huh? Had he called him sweet boy and brought him flowers? Fucking hell, had they made love on Walker’s boat?
“I knew pretty instantly that we weren’t gonna work out,” he said. Oh, thank God. I exhaled as silently as I could. “But he taught me something about fighting. He said, if you never admit when you’re wrong, you’re still holding a sword toward the person you’re fighting with. And I guess it stuck.” He peered downward and combed his fingers in the sand. “You and I—we always had that sword up.”
I nodded instinctively. The words resonated. We’d been so good at hurling accusations. And once we got used to the fighting, we essentially came home ready for battle. Guard up. Sword up.
Then he shook his head and sighed heavily. “I can’t stop thinkin’ about you and Dean, though. I’m fuckin’ livid, Macklin. How can I sit here and try to—I don’t know even know, make friends with you…? When I know what happened.”
Shit.
In an instant, I was itching to defend myself, but that was what I would’ve done years ago. And the truth was, I didn’t have much of a defense.
“When did he tell you?” I forced out the words, past the nausea, past the urge to sling something back at him. In that weak, drunken moment right before Christmas, both Dean and I had placed the blame on Walker, sort of.
“Does it matter?” he chuckled dryly. “At Christmas. He came up to Boston and told me right after lunch. ‘I think you should know, little brother, that Macklin and I…’” He trailed off and clenched his jaw.
I winced and bit at my thumbnail, only to get sand in my mouth.
“It was about you at first,” I admitted. I was gonna go with the truth. “I went over to him because I’d had a shitty day and couldn’t stop thinking about you. And I figured, if someone could relate, it was him.”
Walker chuckled humorlessly. “And then you fucked instead.”
I furrowed my brow, and the weirdest thing happened. My guilt and my wariness kind of just…drained out of me. Because when I searched within me, I couldn’t find any regret. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it hadn’t been a mistake—it definitely had—but it’d happened. And I wasn’t as sorry as perhaps I should be.
“I don’t know what to say, Walker. We got drunk, we were bitter about missing you—him too, you know—and reminiscing led to sex. I definitely instigated it, to Dean’s credit. He tried to do the honorable thing.”
