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Walker nodded curtly and scratched his chin. “That’s the problem with you, Macklin. Nobody can stay away from you in the end.”
I felt my forehead crease. What fucking bullshit was that?
“Is that why you never told me about your past with Dean?” I asked. “Because you thought I’d want him?”
Something tightened at the corners of his eyes, but he wouldn’t look directly at me. “You were never supposed to know—but no, that wasn’t the reason. It was just…in the past. Not to mention inappropriate.”
I snorted. Sorry, couldn’t help it. “Don’t you fucking know me at all? But don’t answer,” I added quickly. “What’s more important is the fact that he misses you. I don’t know if you didn’t talk to him enough when you and I met, but I believe he feels a little left behind. So no matter how inappropriate you think—Jesus Christ, two of your best friends are River and Reese, and you wanna discuss inappropriate behavior with a guy you happened to grow up with?” I couldn’t fucking believe him. “Would you judge River and Reese too?”
“Of course not,” he said, irritated. “Dean and I—that’s different. What we did was fucked up.”
I raised my brows. He wasn’t lookin’ good here, s’all I’m saying.
“It wasn’t based on mutual respect and love,” he tried to explain. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Walker was frustrated and uncomfortable. “It was a sick game to us—to see how we could overpower each other.”
Excuse me?
“I thought it was about making each other better Doms…”
“It did…” He cleared his throat. “But it was more than that. We became obsessed, and I’m ashamed to admit how that affected me. It wasn’t a healthy arrangement. I could spend hours mapping out a plan to overthrow him, and when I succeeded, I felt like the king of the world. When I didn’t… I’d rather talk about somethin’ else.”
Well, tough luck. We were staying on this topic. Hell, I was learning new things about a man who’d never liked to bottom. Or so he’d told me.
“You liked it, didn’t you?” I couldn’t help but smile. This was huge. Walker had always been rigid about that. Not that I’d complained; I’d never had any desire whatsoever to top him, but he’d been so staunchly opposed that it’d felt like a sensitive subject.
“Like is a strong word,” he replied stiffly. “Neither of us enjoyed being defeated, but we reluctantly confessed to each other that we found some twisted pleasure in the degradation of…” He shifted where he sat and blew out a breath. “Of bein’ pushed down by the one person we revealed everythin’ to. We never wanted that with anybody else—and we still don’t. But that was our game. Our secret. We got damn rough with each other too.”
In that moment, I’d never missed Walker more. Because of how we talked—or used to. We could lose an entire night on the couch, just talking and debating, and it seemed we still had that. Even here, today, when he was pissed about Dean and me, when we hadn’t seen each other for two years, when…we were on an island with no name somewhere in Florida.
“You haven’t told me anything I’d be ashamed of,” I said. “If anything—hell, it sounds hot as fuck. Especially when it’s you two.” I mean, both Dean and Walker were such Masters. Dominance ran in their blood. And to find out that a teensy bit of masochism lived in them, if only for each other, was incredibly sexy to me.
Hearing about Dean getting “damn rough” was a surprise, though. Sure, he could fuck like a savage, but out of bed, I found that difficult to envision, him getting rough. Like, to overthrow someone physically. Unlike Walker, Dean wasn’t into takedowns or primal play. Except for with his little brother, evidently.
“I never thought you’d find anythin’ shameful in that either,” Walker responded. “Those are my own feelings. But I was afraid you’d be seduced by the fantasy and want to play with him too.”
Uhhhh…
“I mean…” I squinted. “Would that be so bad? We had lists of people we were imagining opening our relationship for, and never once was Dean on there. But who would’ve been safer?”
Colt and Lucas had been at the top of one list. I did remember that. Greer and Lucian had been listed as potentials, and later on, they’d been joined by the twins, Tate and Kingsley, and a couple Tops who’d left our community since then.
“Nobody was safe enough back then, Macklin. And that had everything to do with you and me—not the men we discussed playtime with.”
Fair. Neither of us had been ready back then. Like he’d said, we’d been insecure and shit. That wasn’t just him. I hadn’t wanted to share him either.
“What’s messed up is that we were both scared of the same thing,” I said. “We wanted to play with others together, at the same time as we were worried sick to lose each other.”
