AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Walker frowned at me, visibly confused. “You were afraid of that too?”
What? Did that come as a surprise?
“Of course I was. You didn’t hear me suggest playtime with another kinkster, did you? It was always for down the road. For the future. Like some magical place we wanted to reach—and never did.”
The furrow between his brows deepened, and he dropped his gaze again. Then he hugged his knees loosely and glanced out over the ocean.
Christ, he was still too handsome and sexy for words. Beautiful. Stunning. With his laugh lines and so much masculinity. I eyed the ink that covered his arm, and I didn’t know how many times I’d traced those lines with my fingers. From the thick tentacles and the leather strands of a flogger to the magnolia flowers and words. The date his mom had died. My name. Dark shadows of a Navy symbol for Dean. Pages of books that’d shaped his ways of thinking.
I was only ever gonna love one man, and it was him. Because when I looked at Walker, every fleeting wonder about other men—and what I’d felt for them—paled in comparison. The one person who stood out as an exception was Lane, and we were very satisfied with adoration. We adored each other and had made a silent agreement of sorts that it was just a small step down from love. Suited us perfectly. What I’d felt for previous partners… I’d managed to fool myself for a short period of time. I’d managed to believe my own lie and claim it was love.
I knew why too. They’d been partners I’d breathed easier with. I’d cared less. They’d been fun. They hadn’t broken my heart.
Love was all-consuming, for better and for worse. Love made pain more painful.
I brushed some sand off my arm and released a breath. “So you wanna divorce me, huh?”
He side-eyed me briefly. “Don’t be stupid. We’re not getting divorced.”
I did my best to suppress my smile and joined him in looking out over the ocean. No, we weren’t getting divorced. We were way too fucking dumb for that. Idiots, really. Fucked in the head, masochistic, broken, married idiots.
It made me unreasonably happy and nervous.
Resigned, too. I’d known beforehand that I didn’t stand a chance.
“You wanna get back to the others?”
I shook my head and rested my cheek on my knee so I could see him at the same time. “No.”
He watched me silently. The tightness around his eyes had faded, thankfully. Maybe we weren’t going to argue more for the moment. That’d be nice. I was too wiped out for fighting. If anything, I wanted silly promises and reassurance. Not that we’d ever believed them for very long before, but they’d worked for a little while.
I swallowed hard. “Did you love anyone else, Sir?”
He sighed, and it was his turn to shake his head. “No.”
Thank you.
I was being petty and childish, but I couldn’t help myself. In our shitshow of a relationship, I wanted to be the only one he loved, whether he’d been with others or not. I mean, I knew he had. Just like I had been. But the heart part. Something had to be solely mine. Ours.
“You?”
“No.” I nudged him slightly with my arm. “You took that ability away from me.”
Mirth seeped into his gaze, and he nudged me back. “So did you.”
Good. That was fucking good. Relief flowed through me, and it did weird things to my chest. Reminding me of this past spring when I’d broken up with a guy who’d accused me of still being in love with my ex. So much gross drama. He’d done a number on me, and it was all because of my own feelings for Walker. How I couldn’t let him go. My eyes had opened. I’d stopped living in denial. Which, I’d discovered, was both a blessing and a curse. Both a relief and a crushing blow of defeat.
I understood Lane when he said emotions sometimes put him through a workout more exhausting than a trip to the gym ever could.
I had to tell Walker about Lane. That we weren’t temporary.
“I’m not the same guy I used to be, you know. About relationships and stuff, I mean.”
He cocked his head, silently letting me know I had his attention.
“Lane and I aren’t in love, but we care about each other a lot,” I went on quietly. “I don’t want to lose him. He, uh… He understands me. He wants what’s best for me—in his words. And he foolishly believes that’s you.”
Walker hummed a little. “What an idiot.”
That made me grin. “Completely.”
He flicked me a glance, and the amusement simmered down. “I’ve changed quite a bit too. This is going to sound contradictory, but—well, I know two things are true. I can never let you go because we belong to each other. And we were awful together.”
