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Did he really think that? Did Declan believe he didn’t deserve to be loved?
His hand slid up and down my throat, the other over my stomach. I felt his breath against my neck when he spoke. “We don’t fuck each other, and we’re not in love with each other. Can lines realistically get blurred? Yeah, I suppose so, but we couldn’t let it. I would have spent my life alone if it wasn’t for them.”
“I wouldn’t let you do that,” I admitted, hoping it wasn’t the wrong thing to say. “Be alone.”
Declan didn’t reply, but he didn’t move away. He continued to hold me, to touch me, to dance his hands along my body. And then I froze, my damn heart ceasing to beat when his lips pressed gently against my nape.
Declan grabbed his beer, pulled away, and I stood there, unable to deny that I very much wanted to date this man, maybe wanted more than that with him, but I didn’t know if he would ever give it to me and how we’d make it work if he did.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Declan
It was beautiful out, like the weather in Southern California almost always was, so we spent our evening in Sebastian’s backyard. I had a few beers and him part of his bottle of wine. He turned on music, some mix of ’90s and early 2000s that played softly in the background from the speakers hanging beneath his patio cover. We barbecued chicken and made a salad, this strange familiarity between us that I was still coming to terms with. I made acquaintances all right, but I didn’t make friends easily, and there was no denying that Sebastian was my friend.
“One minute you’re smiling and happy, and the next time I glance at you, I see Mr. Frowny Face has made another appearance and you’re scowling. I have a feeling it’s about me too. You really need to work on that.”
We were sitting in Adirondack chairs with footstools attached. The sun had gone down a while before, and Sebastian had turned on string lights that gave his whole backyard a soft glow.
“I thought we agreed you wouldn’t call me that.”
“I didn’t agree to anything. You made up that rule, and…well, I guess we can say I’m a rule breaker when it comes to you.” Sebastian winked at me in a flirty way that wasn’t typical of him and was sexier than it had a right to be. Shit like that was usually corny, but not from him. There was no way I’d let him know that, so I laughed, and Sebastian frowned. “Shit, I was going for sexy, confident flirt, but from your response, I missed the mark.” His voice had a lightness to it that told me he was likely buzzed. His cheeks had a rosy tint I’d never seen before, and that hammered home that I was correct.
“I’d give it a solid five out of ten,” I lied, since like I’d said, it had been pretty hot.
“I guess I’ll have to keep trying.”
Damn. Buzzed Sebastian was definitely a flirt. This was where I should tell him not to try. That we either fuck and aren’t friends, or we’re friends and don’t fuck, but instead, I just picked up my bottle and took a swig.
“Welp. There it goes again. Mr. Frowny Face has returned. It’s my goal to make him disappear for good.”
I cocked a brow, offering a silent dare I had no business issuing. “Is that right?”
He was looking at me, his head against the back of the chair, turned in my direction. His brown hair was messier than usual, flat from the hat but he’d also run his hands through the short strands. “It is. This feels…different, fun, freeing. I’ve never had this, ya know?”
“Had what?” I asked, focusing on peeling the label from my bottle of beer as if I didn’t care about his answer.
“Who knows what I’m talking about. I think I’m a little buzzed, and I’m probably going to regret this in the morning, so I should shut up.”
Yes, he should, but somehow, I knew he wouldn’t, so I waited him out.
“I like you, Declan.”
I like you too. “We’re friends.”
He didn’t counter or agree with it, just continued, “I didn’t realize how superficial everything in my life was, even when it came to dating. Neil and I didn’t do things like we did today. We didn’t talk the same way we do. I would have been embarrassed to tell him that I regretted things like not exploring Italy when I was there, which is ridiculous. I get that, but he would have made me feel small for…well, for wanting it, and for not doing it if I wanted it, I think is what I mean. The wine is getting to my head. I don’t think I ever showed him the real me…or maybe I forgot who the real me even was, and now I’m figuring it out again. Wine brain is confusing.”
