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“Ten minutes.” I stepped aside so he could come in.
“The house looks like it always has.”
“Did you think I would change it because we broke up? It’s not like this was our house together. Hell, you were rarely here. We were always in New York.”
“I don’t know, Sebastian. I’m just making conversation. You look good.”
“I feel good. I’ve been doing the kind of things I never really allowed myself—touristy stuff in a city I’ve had a home in for how many years? It’s ironic when you think about it.”
He chuckled, walking over and sitting on the couch. I leaned against the armchair across from him, unwilling to make myself comfortable because I didn’t want him to stay.
“I’m sorry for what I did. I can’t get over how stupid I was. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
I shrugged. I didn’t want to tell him it was okay because it wasn’t. I also didn’t want to say I forgave him, because I didn’t. I was just over it. “It’s in the past. There’s no reason to harp on it.”
He looked down, rested his arms on his thighs. “I miss you. I keep calling and texting, but you won’t talk to me. We were good together, Seb. I really do love you.”
White-hot anger scorched my insides, not because I had feelings for him, but because of his nerve. “You were fucking my friend behind my back! In our bed. You told him you loved him. How in the fuck does that mean you love me?” Jesus, how could I not have seen what a piece of shit he was?
“Because I screwed up! I’ve never done the monogamous thing, and yes, I cared for Drake, but if I had to choose, it’s you I want. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t mess up big-time. I’m not perfect. I never claimed to be. But I know I made a mistake hurting you, and I would do anything to have you back. Don’t you miss me at all?”
The truth was, I didn’t. Not really.
Neil didn’t give me a chance to respond. “We fit well together. We like the same things. We understand what it’s like to be out gay men in this industry. We were the queer Hollywood it couple. Us. That means something.”
I couldn’t deny that the cameras had loved us, that the media had loved us. “Is that what you’re afraid of missing out on, or missing me?”
“Do you really have to ask that?”
“Do you really blame me?” I replied, then shook my head. “I don’t love you, Neil. I realized that after I saw you with Drake. I’m not in love with you, and you know you’re not in love with me either. I think you like the idea of me, of the attention we garner, but that’s not love.”
“Sebastian—”
“I’m with someone,” I interrupted, and he frowned.
“Already?”
“Well, it’s better than being with someone while we were together, like you.”
He flinched, and I knew my words hit their mark. “Who is it?”
“You wouldn’t know him. He’s not in the industry. He owns a bar.” I smiled, thinking about Declan.
“It’s practically impossible to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand what our business is like. Plus, you really think you can trust some random bartender? That he’s not using you for who you are? Hell, for your money?”
“I think it’s time for you to go.”
“I’m not trying to be a dick, but you know it’s true. Even if he’s not using you, what happens when you’re on location months at a time? It’s a hard life. I understand that life in ways he never will. And I love you. Don’t throw us away.”
I wasn’t the one who’d done that. He had. With a sigh, I said again, “It’s time for you to go,” and walked to the door and held it open for him.
Neil stalled for a moment, then stood and came over to me. “I’m not going anywhere, if you change your mind. I’ll prove to you that I love you and want to be with you. I make sense for you, and I think you know that.”
I didn’t care who made sense. I just cared how I felt, and Declan made me experience things I didn’t think I ever would. “Goodbye, Neil.”
He gave me a sad smile and walked out.
* * *
Declan worked a lot over the next few days. Apparently, he’d been taking more time off than usual lately, which secretly made me feel pretty fucking awesome that he seemed to want to spend time with me that much.
He came over late some nights, but others he went home. I was already getting used to the feel of him in bed with me, getting used to the consistent orgasms too. But more than that, I just liked being around him, and it made me feel special, important, that he wanted to be around me too. I knew how rare that was for him, how limited the circle of people he let in, and I didn’t have words for how honored I felt to be a part of that.
