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I nodded, looking after the girl who had been my biggest crush for the last two years and thinking I wanted so much more than for her to be proud of me.
Two
Kiyana
I setmy pom poms on the table in front of Coach Alexander. Lots of people didn’t like her, but I was thankful for her. She’d taken a chance on me as a plus-size cheerleader. Made me an invaluable part of our stunt routines. And ultimately, made me good enough to cheer at Elmbrooke University. (Thanks in part to the fact that they were one of the few local colleges without a weight limit in order to be on the cheer team.)
“How’s it feel?” Coach asked.
“My eyes are sweaty,” I said with a strangled laugh as I gave my blue and silver pom poms one last look. I’d spent so much time with them the last four years I could remember exactly the way my hands felt around the hard handles, the shimmery plastic moving against my skin.
She nodded. “You’ve been a solid part of the team, Kiyana. I think you’ll make a great cheer coach one day.”
It was high praise. Especially from a woman who didn’t dole out compliments often. “That means a lot, Coach.”
“Of course.” She lifted her chin. “Have a great summer.”
“I will,” I said. But really, I was wondering how I could get it to go by faster. My grandparents were visiting for the next month, and Stefon and I were still putting on a show. If I was being honest, going to college felt like an exhale.
It would be a place where I could be myself, without so much pretending.
A place where maybe, someday, I could go on a date with a girl like Xi.
I walked down the thinning hallways, trying not to cry. In so many ways, cheerleading had been my lifeblood—the thing to distract me from the hard parts of knowing who I really was and being unable to share it.
I knew the second I came out, everything would have changed. Things would have gotten weird in the locker room, people would have made comments at the lunch table, and don’t even get me started about the abuse I’d endure in the parking lot or hallways.
I’d like to think better of my classmates, but I remembered what it was like when Xi came out. How long it took for the gossip to settle back down. How hard some parents fought to keep inclusive messages from touching our ears.
I let out a sigh as I stepped outside, alone this time. But I wouldn’t be alone for long. Stefon had picked me up for school this morning, and he should be waiting for me in the parking lot by his SUV.
I walked toward his parking spot and found him sitting in the back with the hatch raised up.
“Hey,” he said, not moving from his spot.
“Hey,” I replied, sitting next to him with my legs dangling. I glanced around at the few cars left in the parking lot. None of them were within earshot of us. “Last day of school.”
He swiveled his head toward me, squinting against the sun. “We made it.”
The smile I gave felt hard-won, just like keeping our secret for the last four years.
He’d been my fake boyfriend since our first boy/girl party freshman year when we were forced into the closet for Seven Minutes in Heaven.
As if it was happening right in front of me all over again, I could see him standing across the from me in the walk-in closet, a panicked look in his eyes. I’d been about to kiss him, just to get it over with, because I didn’t want anyone to know... I’d liked girls for about a year and hadn’t told a single soul. He looked genuinely terrified.
“We can just get it over with,” I’d whispered quietly, trying not to feel rejected even though I hadn’t wanted to kiss him either.
“I—I can’t,” he said, on the verge of hyperventilation.
I’d walked across the closet, rubbing his back. “I can’t kiss you, because I’m... gay,” he’d said.
I’d stared at him in shock. Out of all the people I’d been thrown into the closet with, he’d had the same secret as me.
“Please don’t tell anyone,” he’d said. “You’re the only person who knows.” Tears were pooling in his eyes then, worry clear on each of his features.
“You don’t have to worry about me,” I’d said, taking a deep breath. “I like girls.”
For the rest of our four minutes in “heaven,” we’d cooked up a plan. We’d be boyfriend and girlfriend for the rest of high school. He could be on the football team without things getting weird with the other players, and I could keep my preferences from my strait-laced conservative family and the girls on the cheerleading squad.
