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“Live a little,” he said.
I looked up at him. “That’s what I’m trying to do!” My heart rate only slowed when we reached the sidewalk and the safety of the streetlights. I could hear pounding music from inside the building, and the pulse of it had a strange kind oflife.
We reached the front door and a bouncer sitting lopsided on a stool eyed us suspiciously. “ID?”
Stefon took his out of his wallet, and I pulled mine from my purse. The guy glanced suspiciously at our cards, but let us pass, and we entered into a whole new world.
There were dancers in skimpy outfits moving rhythmically on tables. Strobe lights flashed over people of every gender and identity rubbing their bodies together on the dancefloor. And even though smoking had been banned indoors for quite some time, there was a sweet cloud of smoke hovering in the air.
Stefon looked like a kid in a candy shop.
And me? I just felt plain scared.
“Wanna dance?” Stefon asked, barely audible over the music.
“I need a drink,” I yelled back.
He nodded, following me toward the bar lined with glass bottles. The bartenders were busy, but I stood there waiting, thankful for somewhere to keep my eyes. Everyone in here was young, close enough to our age, and I could feel their eyes assessing us. Trying to figure out who we were—and who we wanted.
Stefon raised his hand with a twenty, and the bartender nearest us took notice, quickly taking our orders. As I sipped my Shirley Temple, I couldn’t help but wonder what to do now.
My eyes landed at a standing table near the dance floor, and I walked toward it, Stefon following a few feet behind.
“What do you think?” he asked, leaning his elbows on the tabletop.
I shook my head. “I think I want to go home.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Home?”
I nodded. It was too loud. Too open. Toovisible. I wanted to stay in my bubble where I was Kiyana, cheerleader, homecoming queen, beloved daughter. This felt dangerous. This felt real in a way I wasn’t nearly ready for.
“Come on,” he said. “You can’t tell me there’s no one here you’d want to dance with.”
I scanned the dance floor, but I already knew my answer. I’d never been the kind of girl to have crushes, and if I was being honest, only one person had ever caught my eye. “Not really.”
He gazed at me knowingly. “Who is she?”
I took him in, from his shining black eyes to the light scar on his lip. If I couldn’t be honest with my best friend, how would I ever be honest with my parents? I took a deep breath. “Xi.”
Five
Xiomara
Two weeksinto summer vacation and I still hadn’t found a date to the prom. The only thing I really had found was my favorite chair at the city pool. My friends and I arrived as soon as it opened and took our things to the line of reclining chairs by the fence.
There was an umbrella that gave shade to two of the chairs. Ronnie and Van sat there—Ronnie so she could see her e-reader in the sun and Van because he was so white, he made paper look tan. Shelley and I took the other two chairs, taking turns applying sunscreen to each other’s backs and underneath shoulder straps. (One sunburn there and you learned your lesson.)
As soon as we were done, we lay on our bellies, facing each other while Van and Ronnie did cute couple things like tickle each other and giggle.
“How’s Gunnar doing?” I asked.
“Good. He’s busy working for his dad’s landscaping company or else he’d be here.”
I smiled. She seemed so happy about that fact. Confident in it too. “He has to make money to take you out, right?” I teased.
“Or save for college, but whatever.” She laughed. “Can you believe we’re halfway through high school?”
“Not really,” I admitted. The last two years had felt like ten to me. But now that I was out, I felt like I knew what to expect, and people knew what to expect of me. It was nice in that way.
