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“Do you want to have sex with them?”
“No.” And that’s the truth. I hope she can see that. “I’m turned on by the control, by domination. That’s what Sam does with Lik, and I want to do the same with you.”
“Right,” she snorts. “So that was a tutoring session, was it?”
“You know what,” I tell her as I stand up. “You’re being a huge hypocrite. As usual. Let’s give Rose the freedom of doing whatever the fuck she wants because she’s gottraumashe’s dealing with, buthey, don’tIdare lose my way and try something else. Don’tIdare discover myself without you. Why?”
She ignores me, crossing her arms and not looking at me. Her eyes follow the trails the rain is leaving on the window.
“Why, Rose?” I insist. “Because I’ve had an easy life?”
Her cold silence heats me up. She’s not replying because she knows I’m right. She can’t take it.
“I’m talking to you,” I snap. “Have the decency to look at me when I do! Why can’t I make mistakes the way you do? Because I’m notbroken?” I’m shouting, practically shrieking. “Because no one beat me up when I was a kid? No one kidnapped me? Because I never tried to fucking end myself with pills so I wouldn’t have to deal with my trauma?!”
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” she hisses as she jumps out of bed. “Do you want today to be your last day on earth?”
“Please,” I snort at her. “Why is it always so hard for you to hear the truth?”
She runs a hand across her face, and I look away, needing a break too.
“Why?” I rasp again.
“Because you’re mine,” she snaps.
“No.” I shake my head. “I can’t hear this fucking excuse anymore.”
“It’s not an excuse,” she says as she steps toward me. “It’s a fact. I can’t breathe when I think of you with someone else. Don’t you get that? I don’t go to other places because you’re not enough. I do it because I know I will never be good enough for you. You can’t possibly love me the way I do you, Rach. It’s too powerful. It’s self-destructive, it’s addicting, it’sdangerous.”
My heart stops and kicks back to life.
“Iloveyou, Rose. How could you think otherwise?”
“Ugh.” She pulls at her roots like someone sick of not being understood. “You don’t get it. I know you love me just like I know it’s nothing like I love you. You’re my everything, okay? I see someone who just looks like you on the street, and my heart stops beating. I hear your voice, and I want to sing to the birds like a Disney princess. I smell chamomile, and I want to bathe in it. Shit, Rach, I…I see you, and I want to dig my heart out and give it to you. Crush it, keep it, I don’t care, justfucking have it.”
She takes a minute to breathe and looks deep into my soul. “Isn’t that the most toxic shit you’ve ever heard?”
“Yeah,” I breathe out. “The fact that you think I don’t love you that way. The fact that you think seeing other people would help?” I shake my head. “The fact that I let you put me through hell and back, and you still think I could love you any less than you love me? Yeah…we’ve hit rock bottom. We finally did it. The epitome of toxicity.”
She drops on the bed, sitting down at the end of it. “I’m fucking exhausted.”
“You’re ill,” I tell her. “This wasn’t a good time to talk. I’m sorry.”
“No. That’s not what I meant. I’m tired of this.” She points between her and me, and my heart drops to my stomach.
“What?” Is she breaking up with me?
She reads my mind. “No, Rach…ugh.” She lets herself fall back, looking at the ceiling. “Stop thinking the worst. I’m just sick of everything being so complicated. I need a break from my thoughts.”
Sighing, I sit beside her. “Me too,” I murmur.
She pulls the back of my dress until I’m lying next to her, her arm under my neck.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I was hurt because you guys left me behind. I still am.”
“I’m sorry we did. I wanted to be part of it all. I wanted to be there when they found the men who hurt you.”
There’s a long silence while we both simply exist next to each other.
