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“You must have been so scared,” she finally says.
“I was in the car. It’s not like I went in with them,” I tell her, even though I was still scared.
“No, I mean when I took the pills in senior year.”
“Oh…”
How can I describe it to her? She did it three times, and I wanted to die with her. Because I couldn’t live without Rose. But I’m too scared of a painful death. So, instead, I saved her. I forced her to step away from death and to stay in this shit world with me.
“There’s no word to describe how terrified I was,” I tell her.
“You never told anyone.”
“No. You didn’t want me to.”
“Thank you.”
“You really wanted it, didn’t you? To die?”
I don’t see her nod. I only feel it.
“Do you still?”
“Sometimes. Even though I feel like there’s a reason I kept failing. My guardian angel wouldn’t let me leave. She can’t stand being without me.”
She turns to her side to face me, and I do the same. “No, I can’t. I’ll never let you leave. Rose, I would rather suffer trying to help you than ever let you hurt yourself.”
“Will you always watch over me?”
“Always,” I smile.
“Did it hurt?” she asks quietly. “Every time I disappeared on you in high school?”
“Of course,” I tell her.
“Then why did you keep taking me back? Why…why would you do this to yourself?”
“Because I was in love and stupid. I kept telling myself the happy moments outweighed the times when you stood me up, lied, or broke up to have meaningless sex with someone else. I kept thinking if she comes back…it’s because she can’t live without me.”
She shifts so she can be closer to me.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I wish I could live without you. Then I would leave you alone so you could be happy and find someone more worth it.”
“Do you know why everyone wants you, Rose?” I tell her softly.
A shrug is her only response.
“Because you’re beautiful, and you don’t care about it. It’s superficial. They just want to fuck you and hope you give them the time of day the next time you see them. You’re just a trophy to make them feel better about themselves.”
My tone isn’t insolent. It’s soft, actually, like explaining something complicated to a child. Her jaw tightens at the truth she’s always known yet never truly accepted.
“Do you know why I fell in love with you?” I add.
“Because I’m beautiful, and you wanted a trophy?” she mumbles.
“No,” I snort. “Because you understood me. I was only fourteen when we met, and I didn’t even know myself. Suddenly, I meet this mysterious girl no one knows anything about, and she just…seesme. You never saw anyone that way again. I know you haven’t. Because you never made yourself vulnerable to anyone like you have to me. Justme. That’s why I kept holding on. I knew that eventually, you’d come to realize I’m the most special person you’ve ever had the chance to have.”
I take a deep breath and tell her a truth I know she doesn’t want to hear.
