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This day was the definition of perfection in my mind. The fact that we had been able to spend it primarily together and not have to worry about anything but having fun was just magical, and I hoped Greyson was having as much fun with the day as I was.
Especially when we looked at the penguins.
They were by far the highlight of the entire zoo in my world. I loved animals, and I was happy to see the whole variety of animals that were in the exhibits. But, nothing compared to the penguins. They were adorable with the way they waddled about, huddling together when they were in love, raising a baby together. It really did embody the perfect little family as far as I was concerned, and I loved seeing animals that were able to do that.
Not to mention how pretty they were.
I couldn’t get enough of them. And Greyson, too, seemed to appreciate how pretty they were. He laughed at how excited I was when I got to see them, but I just shook my head.
“You don’t get it. They are like the most perfect little things, and everyone should think so. I mean, they mate for life, they don’t discriminate against each other, and they are really good at co-parenting. They work together as a team, and they manage to brave some of the harshest environments in the entire world to do it,” I said. “And they get so bonded with each other that when one of them dies, the other one mourns for their loss. It’s really sad. But sweet at the same time.”
“I think you’re the sweet one here,” Greyson said as he walked up behind me and put his arms around my waist. He kissed me right where my neck joined my shoulder, and I felt goosebumps rising along my arms and legs. I was wearing short shorts and my tank top, and I was sure he saw it when I had that reaction.
Whether he did or didn’t, he squeezed me harder, and I felt I would burst from happiness.
There was something about being in Greyson’s arms that made me feel the most secure in the entire world. I could have died from happiness being right there with him, and I wanted to tell him so. But, I bit my tongue. I still wasn’t sure when the right time would be to talk to him about how I felt – and to find out if he felt the same for me.
The fear that he wouldn’t still held me back to an extent, and I knew I was going to have to get over that if we were ever going to move forward. Or, I could risk him being the one who had to bring it up to me, and I worried if that was the case, then I was going to wind up not talking about it with him at all. I had been the one to take the reins both times we had sex, and while he did take me to the restaurant the other night, I was still the one who was making more moves on him than he was on me.
Did that mean he didn’t feel the same way for me?
Did I make a mistake when I told him that I wanted this to be fun and not change anything?
I hoped not. I worried that he had turned off the ability to fall in love with me at that point for fear he was going to wind up hurt if I didn’t feel the same. But, now that I was getting to know him better than before, I didn’t want to keep things as being just fun. I didn’t want it to change the way we worked together, but I also wanted him to see that there was more to this than just the sex we were having.
Surely he had to see the connection between us.
It was more than a spark. It was practically fireworks.
But how was I going to get him to see things from my point of view? It wasn’t like I was able to tell him that I didn’t mean what I said before. But then, could I tell him that I had changed my mind and I didn’t want this to just be for fun anymore? Was that fair?
I didn’t know.
It was part of the problem I had with keeping myself a virgin for so long. To me, it meant the world to be able to give that to someone. It meant that he mattered an awful lot to me for me to be able to do that with him. But, I had always assumed that if I had slept with someone that we were going to be on our way to a relationship. I didn’t want this to be confusing, and I didn’t want it to be one of those awkward things that we did for a while before we just wound up never speaking to each other again, either.
Why did this have to be so complicated?
I was able to keep it to myself despite my anxiety over the situation, but Greyson noticed that I was quiet during the drive back to the hotel. I had done my best to put on a smile and not be overly anxious in front of him, but he clearly paid attention to me and my moods. I enjoyed that he cared enough about me to do that, but I also didn’t want to talk about this with him right now.
But, he clearly noticed when he asked me, “Is everything alright? You were having such a good time when we were at the zoo, but it’s like a cloud settled over you or something when it was time to go. Did you want to stay longer?”
I shook my head, wracking my brain for the right answer to give in the moment. I didn’t want to turn this into something it wasn’t, but I also did want to be honest with him. If he could see that there was something wrong, then clearly there was.
I wasn’t the kind of girl who felt it was the man’s job to read my mind. I wanted to communicate. But, I also understood when I wasn’t in the proper mental space to really convey what it was I wanted to say to him.
My anxiety was running high over our relationship, and I didn’t feel that this was the time to ask him to reassure me and make promises to me. It felt like if that happened now, I would be forcing the situation. I would be asking him to make promises that he wasn’t ready to make.
So, I decided the best thing to do was to be honest about something that was on my mind, though I wasn’t going to bring up everything.
“I’m just worried about how things are going to go for me when we get to Seattle,” I said. “My boss called me yesterday and we touched base on it, and he said that it’s going to be harder than what I had to do in Florida. I was planning on that being the toughest part of the job, not Seattle, so I’m kind of freaking out about what it’s going to be like.”
Greyson reached over and put his hand on mine. My heart skipped a beat when he did that, and I felt that he was helping me, even if he wasn’t doing anything but squeezing my hand.
“You know there was a reason why they picked you to come handle this job, right?” he asked. “You said your boss wanted to do this himself, but he chose you do to it instead. That has to mean something.”
I nodded. I knew he was right. There was a reason why Leroy had chosen me. But he hadn’t been too happy with me when he called the other day. And while I assumed that had more to do with the fact I was late than anything else, I was still worried.
“It does,” I said. “But I’m nervous.”
