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“I've had your things from home moved into my quarters, since you can’t be trusted to stay with the others. Maybe in time you can prove yourself, and we will place you in the dorms.” I nod as she releases me. My throat is choked with the sobs I am fighting to keep down. Just a few more minutes then I can excuse myself to the showers and let out all my misery and grief. My thighs burn with the promise that soon I can release this pain with the help of my blade. At least for the moment. The pain never truly leaves.
We stop at the top of the stairs where my grandmother’s residence lies, and I wait for her to unlock the door. “I have some business to attend to, but I expect you down for Mass in thirty minutes. Your uniform has been pressed and is lying on your bed. Do not embarrass or disappoint me, Chastity. You are on very thin ice, my child.” She leaves me with those parting words, before slamming the door behind her.
I drop my bags on the hardwood floor by the couch, and look around with a sigh. This is the first time I have been utterly and truly alone since I left home. I thought I would enjoy the solitude, but as it turns out, I’m just lonely. I shuffle over to the fireplace mantle and glance at all the smiling faces I miss and will probably never see again.
Jacob, my own brother, who held me down and let them do such terrible things to me. Kara, my baby sister, who will probably never grow to know me. Father, who I can’t bear to face, and my momma. She died when I was young, probably for the best that she’s not here to witness my betrayal.
I know from past conversations, she also attended school here. This land and monastery has been in our family for a very long time, and yes, my grandmother is the Mother Superior. Just as her mother was, and mine was supposed to be. Is it odd to have a family and be a nun? Not really, a lot of people convert later in life, but in our family we have an exemption.
Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I stride back over to my bags and drag them to the small room that has been designated as mine. I leave them by the dresser and grab the uniform from the bed. The long, white and black pleated skirt, with the white buttoned blouse, taunts me. They are close replicas to the uniform that started all my misery.
“Such a pretty girl you are, Chastity,” he whispers into my neck, chuckling at the shivers rolling through my body.
I shake my head and fight to get his voice from my mind. He has haunted me enough. It’s time now to leave the past in the past. Or, at least, try to. I need to move on and do what’s best for us. She’s depending on me to become strong once more and create our future.
I have disappointed too many people, I won’t let her down, too. I leave the uniform for now and move to the bathroom, towards the shower. I don’t have much time till I need to meet my grandmother for Mass, but I know if I don’t expel these demons now, they will haunt me. I strip off my clothes and slide them into a pile in the corner, then turn the shower water on to cold. I grab the small case I keep hidden in the bottom of my bag, then make sure the door is locked.
I step into the stall and pull the curtain closed before dropping to my butt and leaning against the tile. The metal shines under the lights in the shower stall, and I hesitate for a moment before gliding the blade along my inner thigh. I take a few deep breaths, then sigh and do it again.
I never used to cut myself. I was a good girl. The perfect preacher's daughter. I would feed the homeless and run Sunday school. I was on a path to follow in my father’s footsteps and lead the church one day.
Until him. A man hidden. A wolf among the sheep. One who ripped away my innocence and had me exiled from the only home I’ve ever known.
Chapter2
Ilet the tears fall for a few more minutes as the water turns from pink to clear down the drain, then stand and quickly wash myself before rushing to get ready. My hair is damp, and I know I will catch some form of disapproval from my grandmother, but I don’t care. It’s either have perfect hair and appearance, or be on time to Mass. I’ll choose the latter.
I enter the large Cathedral where students and Sisters are congregating. A wash of nausea overcomes me, and sweat runs down my spine. I haven’t been in a room with so many other people in a long time, and my anxiety is at an all time high. A man creeps out from the corner near me, and I’m about to go into a full blown panic attack. I know it’s not him, but the color of his hair and his height matches the man from my nightmares.
“There you are, Chastity. Seriously, child. Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?” My grandmother finds me clutching onto a pew and taking deep breaths in the back of the room. She grabs my hand, and if she feels the dampness on my palm, she doesn’t comment.
Leading me to a front pew, she leaves me in the hands of Sister Anna, then walks onto the dais to command the attention of the room.
I take a seat and move as far away from Sister Anna as I can. I can’t handle feeling another body so close to me right now. My heart is racing, my stomach is churning, and I might be sick. I glance up at the cross on the wall and zone out.
Can’t they see I’m not alright. That I’m struggling with PTSD and anxiety? How could they ever not believe I was telling the truth?
Everyone stands and starts to sing a hymn, and Sister Anna places her hand on my shoulder, handing me a hymnal. I climb on shaky legs and grip the pew in front of me for support as I try to sing along. But the music, the words, they all just bring me to a memory I wish I could forget.
“Voice like an angel. Why don’t you sing me a little tune, Hummingbird.”
“Are you okay, dear?” Sister Anna asks, as I drop the book to the stone floor. I shake my head and take a seat.
“I haven’t eaten anything today. I’ll be fine. No need to worry or alarm Mother Cross,” I tell her, in hopefully a convincing tone. She looks skeptical but nods and reaches into her habit, pulling out a candy bar. She holds her finger up to her lips and gives me a smile as she hands it to me.
Tears fill my eyes, and I fight not to cry. “Thank you, Sister,” I say quietly, and open the chocolate with shaky hands before taking a small bite. She pats me on the arm gently, then turns back to finish the song.
I try to pay attention to Mass, but my mind keeps drifting, and before I know it, everyone is leaving. I wait for my grandmother, but I should have known she would leave me behind. I don’t know what is expected of me now, so I decide to go explore for a little while until dinner time. If she gets angry at me then that’s her fault.
I wander around aimlessly, reminiscing about a better time when I would run these halls, and play hide and seek with some of the Sisters. There are some amazing hiding spots, if you don’t mind getting your clothes filthy, or cobwebs in your hair. I had some really fun times here. Jacob and I would play for hours.
I stop outside a locked door, and I've always wondered what was inside. I asked my grandmother once, but she just waved it off and told me it was storage. Seems odd to keep this permanently locked if all it holds is extra pews and other items.
Laughter echoes along the empty hall, and I quickly rush into a room to hide. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be down here, and I’d rather not be so secluded with a bunch of strangers. I watch through the small crack in the door as two boys pass by. They are laughing and shoving each other playfully. Talking excitedly about a party this weekend. They look so happy, innocent, carefree, and I’m jealous they don’t have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Drowning them in a sea of uncertainties and misery.
BASTIAN
“Dude, we need to get back before Sister Anna Marie catches us out of bounds,” I whisper, following Ash around the corridors.
