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“That’s just it. I didn’t get to even hold my baby, Tyreek.”
“You held them every second they were alive.” Her eyes blinked rapidly and lips parted slightly. “You held them every second they were alive,” I repeated. “And now, you’ll always have them in your heart. I know the pain of preparing for that baby that never came will probably follow you all the days of your life, but I want you to remember something I learned about grief—it’s like a body of water. An ocean. Sometimes it’s calm and cleansing; sometimes it overwhelms and destroys. The only thing you can do, Janae, is learn how to swim. I’m not going to sit here and tell you you’ll stop grieving and that peace will be found easy. All I’m going to tell you is that I’m here, and I promise I’ll help you swim.”
I wasn’t expecting her to crawl into my lap, but when she did, I wrapped her into my arms as she buried her face in my neck. Whether we had a title or not, I was going to help her with the ebb and flow of her grief for as long as she would allow me to.
CHAPTER6
Janae
By Monday morning, I was unwillingly releasing Tyreek. He’d spent the entire weekend with me, and words couldn’t express how much I appreciated him for that. There were moments we’d talk, watch TV, or listen to music, and there were others where we’d just sit or lay in silence. When I needed space, he’d give it to me, and when I needed him close, he gave me that too. Though he offered to get a substitute for his class, I insisted that he leave. He’d put his life on hold for me long enough; I didn’t want him to miss out on work too.
As I walked him to the door, I resisted the urge to ask him to stay. He would if I did, so I kept my mouth shut. Besides, I needed time to myself. Time with my thoughts now that I felt raw and empty of my feelings. Clarity was on the horizon, and soon, I’d be able to function with society again. The pain wouldn’t go away, and neither would thoughts of my baby, but I’d be able to be around people and not randomly sob.
“You know I’m only a phone call away, right?” Tyreek reminded, leaning against the front door.
“I know, and I really appreciate you for that. Thank you for being here for me, Tyreek.”
“Always. Call me if you need me.”
With a nod, I extended my arms and pulled him down to me for a hug. It was warm and calming, as always. After placing a kiss on the top of my head, Tyreek opened the door and left, and not even a few seconds later… I was missing him already.
A pout formed against my lips as I trudged back to my bedroom, grabbing my phone for the first time in days. Tyreek was keeping my family updated through Honey, which I appreciated. I knew they would want to hear my voice to know I was truly okay, but I still wasn’t ready for that just yet. I did, however, text everyone and let them know I was starting to feel more like myself and would reach out soon. Instead of getting back in my bed, I went upstairs to the guest bedroom Tyreek and I had been occupying. He’d only left once, and that was to pack a bag.
My sheets and pillows still smelled like him. Pulling one close, I held it tightly and inhaled a deep whiff of his scent, hoping sleep and peace would find me soon.
* * *
One Week Later
I was surprised when Tyreek called and asked if he could stop by. He’d texted me a few times to make sure I was okay throughout the week, but when I said I was, our conversations ended. I didn’t blame him. For months he’d pursued me and there was no progress. Looking back on it, I could admit that I’d allowed what happened with Michael to keep me from feeling safe with men over the past two years. More than anything, I had no desire to try and trust someone else again. Sure, I would always say I wanted true love and a family, but knowing there was a risk of falling for the wrong man would always linger in the back of my mind and keep me from truly trying to have a healthy relationship.
Admittedly, I thought things with Tyreek would be different. He was such a loving, kind soul. A true gentleman. But he had that rough side and street vibe that excited me. Though we never had sex, I could tell by his energy that he knew how to work his dick. When he bathed me, he kept his boxers on, but I’d felt it enough times while we cuddled to know he was working with something serious.
Tyreek was handsome, educated, financially stable, and all about commitment. Every time I would think about the way I didn’t take advantage of having him because of my past, all I could do was shake my head and curse myself. I knew there were millions of fish in the sea, but Tyreek was the kind of fish you didn’t let get away. Ihadlet him get away, though, and I had to accept that. Accept the fact that there would come a time in the future where he’d move on, fall in love, and give another woman the future he wanted to have with me.
Because of how rough I felt and looked when we last saw each other, I tried to put a bit more effort into my appearance tonight. Even with it being a little after ten, I still put on a little mascara and lip gloss. Instead of putting on clothes, I kept on the bone-colored two-piece SKIMS set I had and added a few sprays of vanilla body mist. Typically, I didn’t wear heavy perfumes before bed, but I’d put on a fruit or gourmand scented body mist faithfully.
When I heard the doorbell ring, I set my phone on the nightstand and headed to let him in. He’d told me he was coming from his club. There was no telling what he wanted to talk to me about. I wasn’t worried about him drinking and wanting to have sex or confess more feelings for me. Tyreek wasn’t that kind of man. If anything, he’d avoid me while he was inebriated before he said or did something drunk that he wouldn’t say or do sober.
As soon as I opened the door and laid eyes on him, I couldn’t help but smile. Relationship or not, Tyreek Roberts was fine as hell. He was a few inches taller than me, and he had a medium sized, muscular build. I loved his caramel brown skin tone and thick skin-colored lips. He had a mini afro with tapered, shaved sides, and it connected with a thick, long beard that I used to love gripping before giving him a kiss. Most often, he was dressed in slacks or a suit, and tonight was no different. The charcoal gray slacks and blazer looked like they were made just to fit his frame.
I didn’t think I’d ever seen him wear stud earrings, but he almost always had on one to three necklaces or chains. Tonight, he had on a gold cross necklace trio set that hung in three different lengths. Resisting the urge to hug him, I pulled my arms behind my back and cupped my hands together.
“Hi,” I greeted, mirroring his smile.
“You weren’t sleep, were you?”
“No, come in.”
I stepped to the side, allowing him entrance. Tyreek walked over to the living room, taking off his blazer and getting comfortable in the recliner loveseat that he seemed to favor. I sat on the sectional directly across from the mounted flat screen TV and fireplace.
“Are you bringing someone to Vegas?” he asked, getting straight to the point.
When Honey first told me she and Kahlil were doing a co-ed trip before the wedding I was a little nervous. I didn’t know how things were going to be between Tyreek and I. Aside from Kayla’s birth, me and Tyreek had done a great job avoiding each other. Before I went over to see them, I made sure they were alone to avoid outright asking if Tyreek was around. Now that we’d seen each other and spent a little time together, I was less nervous about things being awkward between us, but I was glad he brought up the topic of bringing someone else. It was one thing to be around him and the crew… but him with another woman?
“Are you?” I countered.
“I’m not if you’re not. I was with the guys, chilling, and they brought it up. Figured I’d ask. See how you wanted to handle this.”
