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“You know… that doesn’t sound too bad. I wouldn’t mind having some cheese sticks from Pizza Hut,” Janae said as we got comfortable in the bed.
I handed her the remote while I told her, “I’ll order it then. Do you want wings too?”
Her head shook. “Nah. I don’t want to say too much and not be able to really eat. I’ll just stick with the cheese sticks.”
I nodded in agreement but decided to order a large supreme pizza and some boneless buffalo wings as well as the cheese sticks. Hopefully when she saw it and started eating, she’d realize how hungry and empty she was, even if she didn’t have an appetite.
It didn’t surprise me that she turned on one of her comfort shows,The Golden Girls. While we didn’t know everything about each other or have sex while we were dating, we knew the basics and a few random things that were exposed during our time together. She was a year younger than me at thirty-four, and she was the youngest of two. I hadn’t met her brother, Jason, before, but I figured they were close because he either called or texted her while we were together for casual conversation. Both of her parents were still alive and together. Janae was a full-time nurse, but she used to sell the quilts she would sew and some crocheted purses that were unique as hell. Because of her schedule, she hadn’t been doing much of either lately.
I knew that she loved watching series and 90s shows when she had time along with cycling. She also loved shopping for herself and others too. While I preferred reading paperbacks, Janae was an audiobook girl which made sense because of her schedule. Other than our love for reading, we didn’t really have any of the same hobbies. I loved going to the casino or clubbing every weekend.
I also had a healthy appreciation for beautiful women, which was why my gentlemen’s club offered private dancing on Wednesdays and Sundays. Other than that, it was a typical men’s only social club for sports, games, and networking. What we did have in common was our love for novelty and fun, which was why I thought we would get along so well when we first met. Unfortunately, though, her past and schedule made it difficult for us to make the most of our time together.
We watched two episodes before the food was delivered, and thankfully, she ended up eating two cheese sticks, two wings, and a slice of pizza. I went down to the kitchen to put what was leftover on the stove, and when I returned, Janae said, “I guess I can tell you about my ex now and why it’s been so difficult for me to let you in.”
I had been curious about it, but I didn’t want to pressure her. I knew she’d tell me in her own time.
“Only if you’re ready, Nae.”
Janae ran her hands up and down her thighs before exhaling a hard breath. “I think it’s time. Maybe it’ll help.”
“I’m sure it will.”
She nodded, crossing her ankles and lowering the volume on the TV.
“Our relationship was great until I told him I was pregnant,” she started, avoiding my eyes. “When I told him, I saw a side of him that I didn’t know was there.” Janae chuckled softly, voice breaking, but she didn’t cry. “He talked all this shit about how I was trying to trap him and that he wasn’t ready to be a father, then he left. I was blocked on all social media, and he changed his number. Two months later, I lost the baby. I hadn’t planned on telling him, but I posted about it on my social media and someone who knows him told him. He came over, and I thought it was to comfort me and admit how fucked up he’d handled the situation, but he was happy the baby was gone and that we could get back to us.” She scoffed, and I felt my anger rising. “I tried to bash his fucking skull in, with a hardcover bible at that.”
“He didn’t put his hands on you, did he?”
Her head shook as she finally met my eyes. “Not at all. My parents were there, and they pulled me off him.”
I took her hand into mine. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment had already turned ugly and having to experience that only made it worse, I’m sure.”
“Exactly. Like… I didn’t want a baby at that time either, but once I accepted the fact that I was pregnant, I fell in love with my baby instantly. I knew I was shifting into a territory that would require a lot of help, and knowing I’d gotten pregnant by a man who wouldn’t be in the baby’s life was enough to deal with, but I accepted it and trusted I’d be able to handle it with my family’s help. Then to lose the baby, on top of Michael’s rejection and abandonment… it just made it feel like it was all for nothing. And the disrespect of him coming back with that bullshit…”
Her head shook again as she pulled her hand from under mine. “The whole ordeal was devastating, to say the least. The way Michael handled me ripped me of my safety and security in that relationship. My control. I felt like a failure because I’d chosen such a horrible man to love, and honestly, I just don’t want to go through that pain again. People can switch up at any moment… leave at any moment… I don’t want to go through that again.”
I didn’t know if this was a moment that she needed to simply vent or if she needed my reassurance that she was wrong. That all men weren’t the same. Because I wanted to give her exactly what she needed, I couldn’t help but ask, “What do you need from me right now? To just accept your truth and experience or actually respond?”
Her smile was soft as she scratched the back of her head. “I know you’re going to tell me all men aren’t the same and that I shouldn’t close myself off to love because of what he did. I know that in my mind, but my heart doesn’t care about that reasoning. I am a very rational thinker, but when it comes to my feelings, I can be irrational as hell. My heart and mind aren’t as connected as I wished they would be, and my heart doesn’t give a fuck about what my mind knows. All it knows is that it was hurt by a man I trusted with it, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back from that.”
“Do you want to?” A few seconds passed as she thought my question over, so I continued. “If you don’t want to try to love again, I understand, but if you do… I think you have a better chance at it than you realize.”
She chuckled softly with a shake of her head. “If God is love, I seriously doubt He’ll bless me with it. I’m upset with Him, and I don’t even know what to do with that.”
“Nae,” I called softly, taking her hand into mine. “You have every right to feel how you feel. You have every right to be angry, resentful, confused, hurt, whatever. Question Him about it. Seek clarity. He knows what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling even if you don’t say it. At least, by getting it out, you release those ill feelings from your mind.”
“But I just…” Her tears began to fall again, and she huffed as she wiped her face. “I feel bad for even feeling like that. I want to get to a place where I’m at peace and trusting Him again. Not blaming Him or resenting Him. Where I know even if it’s something that hurts me and doesn’t feel like it’s for my good… it’s for His. But I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Awareness.” My mind took me back to when my father was first killed. The anger. The hurt. The confusion. The denial. The resentment. I felt it all. “Then you have conversations. With yourself. With God. The order is up to you, but then comes healing and forgiveness. For some, forgiveness is the first step to healing. For others, healing is a sign of forgiveness. Either way, both are needed for the peace you seek.”
“How was it for you?”
“I had to heal a little first, and that came through doing some mental and emotional work. Then, I had to forgive myself, God, and the men that took my father from me. I had to forgive my brother for not being in that car. Then I had to forgive my dad for being in the car.” I laughed softly. “I had to ask for my father’s forgiveness for being grateful that my brother was still alive. I was all over the fucking place. I was upset about losing him but glad my father was alive some days, then other days I’d be resentful that my brother was alive and wished my father was here, though I didn’t want my brother to be in his place. I wanted them both here, and struggling with that filled me with a lot of confusion.”
“How did you get clarity? Peace?”
“By realizing it was beyond my control. That it was already done, and nothing could be done to change it. There was no point in me wishing and hoping for anything different because my father was gone. I had to accept that to make peace and just be grateful that I had him for as long as I did, you know?”
