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I’m sure I had mentioned it before but this is why I liked Alexus.It was tight but she was right.I’d had this resource available to me for over a year, and I just did not take advantage of it.
“Also,” Alexus continued.“I’m on a roll now.I think you should tell him.The absolute worst thing he could do is say,thanks but no thanks.You’re not going to die, you moved on from Calvin, and you’ll move on from him.You can’t live your life in fear like this.You just can’t.I won’t allow it.”
My head shook because I was not sure if I could handle the rejection from Chris.I honestly didn’t know if I could survive that.
“You got this,” Alexus reassured me.“Believe me, if I can get it… Girl, I know you can.”
She fed me some more food, we talked for a bit, and promised to meet early atHeart Alliance, so I could chat with Jonathan.He, on the other hand, was all smiles and said that he’d been praying for the day that I’d meet my match.
“Won’t you bring Chris with you next week?”Jonathan asked.“It’ll be good for him to see how the group works, that you’ve been working on this situation, and how he can be supportive.”
“What?”I exclaimed.“What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me?Isn’t this therapy private or something?Maybe people don’t feel comfortable having men up in here.”
The man just laughed.
“Devin has been here,” he said while gesturing towards Alexus.“Men have been here.I am a man, Camila.”
Right.
“Yeah, I know.”I nodded.“I, uh, just don’t know…”
“You’re afraid of rejection, but the thing is, you got to own it.What can he say to you that you don’t already know?”He asked me but I knew he wasn’t looking for an answer.“Right.Nothing.The thing is, you already know your situation.His words won’t change any of that.He either is going to ride this with you or not.Either way, you tell him and keep moving.You have work to do.With or without him.You don’t need him to be a part of this work because that begins with you.”
Hell, I was fine before and after Chris.I grew to be fine after Calvin.I could do it.The sting of rejection might hurt my heart, but I had divorce papers sent to my job.It couldn’t get no worse than that.
“Okay,” I murmured as I slowly nodded my head.“Okay.”
I could do this.
7
Get Some Kids
Instead of calling Chris, I decided I’d meet him at our coffee place in public.Just in case, I was tempted to cry, being surrounded by so many people, my pride wouldn’t let me.
Sure enough, he was in our spot, towards the back, and he did not look good.He had about a week’s worth of facial hair trickled around his face, his eyes were dark, and the bags were heavy.
Damn.
Instead of speaking, I simply sat in my usual spot across from him.At first, he didn’t raise his head, then his eyes grew once he saw it was me.Chris didn’t speak, which was probably good because it looked like he could have throttled me for causing the pain that was clearly etched on his face.
“Chris,” I started, but he winced like something hurt.I kept going though.“I, uh, can’t have kids.I’m barren and because of that, I don’t do relationships where I need to share heart-breaking shit like this.”
I laughed nervously but kept talking.
“I fell for you even when I didn’t want to.I ran because I never wanted to have this conversation with you or any man.Shit, I never wanted to have you look at me like you are.I,” my hands began to fidget with any and everything on the table.“I just uh, didn’t want to go through it again.”
“Again?”he asked in a deep and dark voice.
One that was very unlike my Chris.
“Uh, yeah.I was married before.”I laughed.“The doctor told us after months of testing, proving it wasn’t him and realizing it was me.My husband of two years sent me divorce papers to my job.Dismissed, huh?”
He took in some air with a quick inhale and released it as he turned his head.
“Well, that’s what I wanted to tell you.If you wanted to know the why, then, that’s why.”I nodded my head.
He said nothing, just stared at me with cold but hurt eyes.Tears threatened to come to mine but I quickly stood and said, “Good luck.”
