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littlewren: He’s a biter. What else is he into?
I swallow hard, my fingers shaking for fear of her reaction.
slaverainy: Knife play. Blood.
littlewren: Scary stuff but it can be hot. Rape fantasy? Ping dancerGirl. She had some good info on playing that kind of scene safe a month or 2 back.
I let out a long breath and my shoulders sag with relief. She’s been my online friend for a long time. I didn’t think she’d condemn us for playing with such dark elements, but I wasn’t sure. Especially since she knows my history.
slaverainy: No rape fantasy. I remember her. I’ll look her up.
littlewren: Fear can be an aphrodisiac but you have to b safe 2. It’s a fine line.
slaverainy: No kidding. Outside the scene, I’m not scared of him. I trust him in and out of the scene. But he does like me to be scared in the scene. Not real fear. But there is danger. I know that.
littlewren: U wonder how far it’ll go. Next time, or the time after that, will it always b safe.
slaverainy: Yeah, a little. It’s so intense, so scary, so good. But where will it go? How far is 2 far?
littlewren: You 2 will have to talk. A lot. You have to keep the boundaries clear and hard. U trust him to stop?
slaverainy: Yes.
Even now, with him gone on the run and cops asking questions, I trust him. He never lied to me. He would stop without question if I gave him the safeword.
littlewren: Good. Trust. Communication. Try not to start a scene without talking about it first. Plan it. Then u know what to expect. Even rape fantasy and capture scenes are staged and planned.
slaverainy: Good point. Thanks, hon. I feel better.
littlewren: *squishy hug* I’m always here for u. No judgment. Just honest ear and lots of hugs. Just remember the most important thing.
We already talked about communication and trust. To me, those had always been the most important elements in a scene. The safeword with Charlie. What else could she mean?
slaverainy: ?
littlewren: U r strong enough.
My throat aches and I have to close my eyes for a moment. I came online searching for some elusive proof that things were going to be okay. I needed some kind of validation that I wasn’t making a huge mistake with Charlie, especially with my past. It never occurred to me that the confirmation I sought was here inside me this whole time.
I am strong enough. I know that now. I won’t ever forget it again.
slaverainy: Hugs, thank u. Love u.
littlewren: Love u 2.
I set the laptop aside. Hugging his pillow, I read until my eyes hurt and the battery on his e-reader dies. Then I lie awake and stare up at the ceiling while making plans of my own.
I’m going to get a tattoo like his, on my thigh where he cut me. Once it heals. And I’m going to take more self-defense classes. In the closet earlier, I found a box of small blades like those he carried, so I have one beneath the pillow. I added a knife to my purse, my car, and then stashed another in the kitchen. I’ll add a new to-do to his list: an hour of practice every night. He taught me for a reason. Everything he did was purposeful, with careful forethought.
I won’t let him down.
Don’t forget your promise, Charlie.
28
Igo through the motions at work well enough that Dr. Wentworth doesn’t ask if I’m okay. I stop by my apartment to do some laundry and grab a few clothes. While waiting on the dryer, I check offkeep connected to your family and friendsby calling Sam.
I don’t think Charlie will mind if I combine the two tasks today. She barely asks about Charlie or my life, because she’s going through hell in her own marriage. I listen and promise to come by in a day or two to see her, though the last thing I want to hear is her sob story about how Frank forgot to make the bed or whatever other shit she’s taken offense to.
