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My phone pings with a message. It’s from Gabriel.I love you.
Scrolling back, the last few days he’s messaged every few hours to tell me just that.
We’re safe.
Everything’s going to be alright.
AndI love you.
I message back, reluctantly because I’m still angry, but I can’t not respond to him.
I love you too.
I start with a cup of tea that I spend far too long stirring before checking the inventory numbers.
Although I find myself staring at the screen, unable to focus and think straight. Every few minutes, I realize I’m still on page one, and I’ve been thinking of something else. Of the moments that used to haunt me and moments I thought I’d long forgotten.
A knock at my door saves me from myself, and I shake off the tension in my hands, setting my tea aside. “Come in.”
“Madam Lynn,” Holden greets me, coming in and closing the door behind him. “How are you?”
“Missing a lot of mental balance, but I’m surviving,” I reply honestly. Picking up my tea again, I take a sip.
Before he can get a word in, I set the tea cup down with a clink and ask him directly, “So, is everyone talking behind my back?”
“You’re the Madam,” Holden points out. “Last week, you were on cloud nine. You’d walk down the hallway, and the carpets wouldn’t even have marks from your heels in them. The past few days, though, you look like you’ve got weights strapped to your ankles and invisible thousand-pound weights on your shoulders. Now, I know some of it... but the others don’t. They’re worried about you, that’s all.”
“They’re not supposed to be worried about the boss,” I murmur at the realization that I’m failing them. I shouldn’t have come back. Gabriel was right. I’m far too bitter to admit it to him, though.
“You’re the boss, yes. But you’re also the head of whatever you want to call this secret little conclave, like the head of a family. And when Mom’s troubled, all us kids worry about her.”
“So I’m Mom now?” I crack a smile for the first time in days, a bit of warmth flowing through me.
“I mean, you know.” He gestures, seemingly embarrassed for a moment, and I let out a short huff of a laugh. “So, talk to me. It’ll help, I promise.”
I lean back, wondering if he’s right. I’ve done the same thing with so many of the young subs here at Club X, and sometimes, just saying things helps. I couldn’t possibly tell him everything. But the pain I feel, knowing Gabriel kept a secret from me the very moment he came back... I just wish I could stop it. I know it’s tied to the past. I don’t know how to just be right now. It feels as if I’m spiraling all over again.
“I feel like my heart’s broken in two,” I admit, reaching out and sipping my tea. “I love him, Holden. Okay? I’ll say it. I love him deeply. And yeah, I yelled at him, I gave him the cold shoulder. That doesn’t change that I love him.”
“What happened?” he asks.
I hesitate a moment. “Secrets,” is all I say, and he waits for more before nodding in understanding.
“So you love him . . . But?”
“But I hate the fact that ever since he came back into my life, everything’s turned to absolute chaos,” I add. “He came back and with it... it brought everything back. I’m not willing to go backward, Holden.”
“Why?” he asks, leaning forward.
The sleeplessness from last night weighs on me.
“Hey.” His voice is comforting. “Let me make you another cup of tea, and maybe you can just rest today.”
“I don’t need a day off.” I start to protest as a yawn interrupts.Dammit.
“You don’t need to leave. There’s a sofa right there.” He gestures.
I glance at the sofa, knowing not even a week ago, Gabriel and I shared it and a piece of my heart slipped back into place.
