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I try to relax and watch some reruns ofHow I Met Your Mother, but I can’t chill out. Somehow, knowing Brandon is just up the hall has my body all worked up. I wonder what he is doing right now. If he’s taking a shower to get ready for bed? If he’s stroking himself, thinking about me in the cute dress I wore tonight? Part of me hopes that he is. I know I said friends, and I still want that to be true. But I like the idea that right now he is thinking about what happened today and wishing I was still with him. Like I am his. Friends can masturbate thinking about each other, right?
And for the dozenth time today, my mind travels back to this morning when he stepped out of my shower. His body is insane. I can see why he has so many female fans now. Also, my bed still smells like him from his sleepover last night, and it’s overwhelming my senses.
I flick off the bedside light and slip further under the covers. I’m on edge, and I know if I don’t do something about this myself, I will let myself fall under his charm. And as nice and comfortable as today was, I’m not going there. The pain of what happened last time is too vivid in my mind. But alone in my room, I can imagine what it would have been like if things were different between us. If my life had worked out the way I planned, with the perfect career and man.
I slip my hand into my panties, and I rub over my sensitive spot. I know the only way I’m going to sleep tonight is getting off to the thought of Brandon in just a towel, stepping out of my shower, and the heat in his eyes when they met with mine.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
BRANDON
Todayhasgonejustas fast as yesterday. A lecture on how mental health prevention and response is rooted in sports and about the self-esteem project. I watched over her shoulder as she scribbled notes like a good student, and she told me off for being a distraction. I can think of a hell of a lot of things I would have preferred to be doing with her today, but being with her, it wouldn’t matter where we were or what we’re doing. I was just happy to be around her at last.
Now I'm walking her back to her room after having dinner with the rest of the group. And like last night, I’m not ready to go our separate ways just yet. Who knows what the dynamic will be like between us when we get home? And I'm feeling desperate, like it’s now or never with her. We're away from all my responsibilities and her family talking in her ear. We won't get another chance like this.
“I’m not ready to go to bed yet. Do you want to come up to the rooftop with me?” I suggest, hoping I'm not about to push her further away.
She purses her lips, thinking about it, and I see the blush that rises on her cheeks, her body giving her away. “Okay, just give me a sec.” She opens her door and runs inside her room, returning with a bottle of wine and a leather jacket that she shrugs into. “Let’s do it.” She beams. Her charismatic energy has been back today, and she's all excited. It's fun to be around.
I give her a sideways smile.
We take the elevator as far up as it will go, and then walk up the fire stairs leading to the rooftop. There’s a vast concrete landing like I was imagining. I’m not sure what it is about being up high like this, but I have always loved it, finding a spot to look out over the world as far as I can see. It makes me feel like I have more power to control my life.
The view from the top of our hotel looks out over the city of Austin, with its twinkling lights and busy streets, and something about it takes me back to that night before it all fell apart. The two of us looking out over our city of Palm Springs, entwined in each other’s body. She couldn’t get enough of me, and we had been that way for weeks.
She was excited and chatting about her dreams for the future and about dancing in front of an audience of thousands. I was just happy to be with her, escaping from the reality of my life. My sick ma, and as a twenty-two-year-old college senior, I didn’t have the means to help. I could feel how close my life was to changing. All my coaches said I was the next big thing. I just had to finish the year, get a contract, then I could have the money to help her. But as it was, she wasn’t going to make it. When I think back on that time, I still feel sick to my stomach. She deserved better than the hand she was dealt.
Cassie moves as if there were music playing, a skip and a twirl making her skirt spin.
I can't help but smile as I watch her.
"What?" She smiles back.
"It's nice to see you so happy."
"I think I needed this time away, I feel good for it." She has stopped just before the edge and looks out over the view as well, sighing quietly, taking it all in. We’re not the same people anymore. Cassie is jaded in a way I don’t know how to fix. And I have done things I wish I didn’t have to. But maybe this can be a fresh start for us. This weekend away has been a chance to hit the reset button. Last time it ended badly, but we can start again, fix our mistakes.
She takes a seat on the ledge, carefree and happier than I have seen her all year. She pops open the bottle she was carrying, before taking a swig. Her eyes have that little twinkle about them tonight, and she looks at me with curiosity. “What are you thinking about?”
I walk toward her, taking a seat on the ledge, then grab the bottle from her hands and throw back the liquid. Not sure I should be encouraging her to drink after seeing how badly it ended for her the other night. “I was just remembering the night when I took you to the lookout,” I answer honestly, wondering if she ever thinks about that night or if she had just blocked it from her memory like she seems to have done to our entire relationship.
“Oh.” She looks disappointed by my answer.
“The view at night,” I say, trying to explain. I didn’t mean to dampen her happy mood.
“Yeah, I get it. I just try not to think about that night.” Her eyes drop to the bottle, and she stares at it, then takes another drink. “You know that first day when I saw you at school, that’s where I went, to the lookout. I just sat there, furious that things went the way they did. I know we can’t change what happened in the past, but I still wish we could.” She stares out over the view, looking so lost.
“So do I, Cass. I would give anything to change the way things went down.” And I would. If her father didn’t find out about us, who knows what would have happened. We might still be together now. She might have been able to convince him it was meant to be or some shit like that.
But even now, imagining that, I know he still would have reacted the same way. To him I was the scum of the earth and not worthy of his precious daughter. He was probably right. I was a poor kid with a single mom who was struggling to keep us afloat. And I did hang with kids who, to the wealthier folks of the town like the Harpers, would have come across as the enemy. Little assholes who were trashing their perfect town, involved in petty theft and really any job that could turn into fast cash.
But that’s not how we saw it. To us it was our way of life, the only way to pay the bills. Ha! Now they all look at me like I’m the local celebrity. Things are certainly different now.
I turn toward her, bringing her attention back. “What’s going to happen when we get back to Palm Springs? Are you going to go back to hating me and pretending I don’t exist?” I need to know where we stand.
She stares at me. “That depends.” She shrugs.
I raise a brow. “On what?” I demand.
