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“Help me understand,” I tell her, more forcefully this time. She needs to realize I’m not out to get her. I want to get back what we lost.
She sighs like she has been carrying the weight of the world around on her shoulders for way too long. “Ever since—” She pauses, turning in my arms so her head is pressed into my chest. “Ever since everything happened, I have felt dead inside, you know, numb. Like I’m going through the day-to-day, but nothing feels right anymore. I’m empty inside, too broken to experience anything good or even bad anymore.”
My heart starts thumping harder in my chest. I’m glad she’s opening up to me, but hearing this is heartbreaking. She has spent all these years feeling like this because of me. “What happened after I left?”
“I fucked up the audition. That’s why I didn’t get a place,” she says sadly.
“Because of me?” I ask, knowing that’s why but stupidly needing to hear her say it. Like if I know the depths of her pain, I can help her fix it. Glue her broken pieces back together.
“Because of a lot of things. Can we talk about it another time? I don’t want to wreck tonight. I already have with my dramatics.”
“Okay then. Cassie?”
“Yeah?” She looks up at me.
“Did you feel something tonight?” I don’t know why, but I have to know she did.
She closes her eyes and takes a breath, as if trying to get herself under control. When she opens her eyes, a lone tear slips down her cheek. “I felt more tonight with you than I have in a very long time.”
I pull her into me, hugging her as tightly as I can.
“Please tell me you’re not going to just disappear. I won’t survive.”
I tilt her chin up so she’s looking at me. “I promise you, I’m not going anywhere.” I kiss her lips, hoping it’s enough to convince her. There is nothing that could make me walk away from her this time. She might be broken, but I will do everything I can to fix her, give her the kind of life she deserves and make up for lost time. God knows I need it just as much.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CASSANDRA
Wespillthroughthearrivals lounge along with the other passengers. We’re back in Palm Springs, and something about being in my hometown sends a fresh wave of uncertainty straight to my belly. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin today, and I can’t work it out. Maybe it was the way Brandon looked at me when we woke up in the same bed this morning, or maybe it’s the pressure I feel knowing he wants this to be a fresh start for us.
Last night, what felt like a good idea now feels like it’s all moving too fast, and I need time to catch up with him. When I left on Friday, I still hated him, and now I don’t know what I feel. I’m all mixed up, and it’s causing doubt to creep in. The thought that he could just leave me again with no warning makes my tummy twist and my palms sweaty.
Then there’s my family. When we walk outside, Jasmine will be here to pick me up, and I know one thing for sure: I’m not ready to have my family’s opinions on this situation before I even figure out what I want.
Brandon takes my hand, stopping me from walking any farther. “Don’t shut me out. You're overthinking all of this. Just go with it.”
My bottom lip trembles as I try to stop the overwhelming emotions from bubbling up and coming out of me. I'm so conflicted. My head is saying it's too risky to go down this road again, but my heart is already there. “I’m not all chill about everything in life like you. I can’t just go with it.” It sounds nastier than I meant it to, but I’m feeling really aggravated, and I can’t stop aiming it at him. We’re about to walk out those doors, and reality will hit us in the face. My stomach twists at the thought. “Look, I’m sorry. Last night was everything I’ve been missing in my life, but this year was supposed to be about me getting my life figured out, and if I slip back into old habits that caused so much pain in the past… it just feels like trouble.”
"This year can still be about getting your life in order. Stop worrying about what your family thinks and be your own person." His hand goes to my waist, and he looks at me with such intensity I feel like I could burn up. “Kiss me once more before we leave and then tell me this isn’t what you want.”
I blink back at him. This is what I want, I’m just scared. I push up onto my toes and press my lips to his. His scent overwhelms me, and just for a second, I get lost in the way it feels to be with this man. His strong hands supporting my back, the scratch of stubble on my chin. The way he takes control, giving me exactly what I need. I lower down and take a step back from him. He stares back at me, waiting for my answer. "You know I want you. I just need a little time to work out my head."
“Cassie, I won’t push you on this. You know how I feel, and I can see how much this is messing with you. So, for now, we can go back to just working together, but instead of a scowl when I enter a room, your beautiful smile would be much nicer.” His grin is genuine, and it makes me feel even worse. He should be pissed right now that I got him all hot and heavy and now I’ve backed out. But he’s not. He’s understanding—at least on the outside, anyway. I never really know exactly what's going on in his head. But he can see how messed up I am without me telling him just how bad my mental state really is. "And if you need to be fucked again, I can help you out with that as well," he jokes because I still haven’t said anything.
But what he doesn’t know is that might be half the problem. I do want that from him. Geez, even the memory of the way it felt to be dominated by him last night sends a thrill through my body. But this is more than sexual attraction. If it were only that it would be easy. I'd just let him fuck my brains out daily until I was over it. But this is something else.
I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the tears which are dangerously close to spilling down my face. Walking away from him after four days together feels almost as painful as the first time I lost him. I have held my tears back for so long, I thought I had forgotten how to cry. Until last night, that is. Now it feels like everything I have been holding back is ready to escape in a flood. “Why are you being so understanding?” I whisper.
He smiles softly, taking my hand. “I know we have time, and I’m not rushing you into something when you're not right here with me. Maybe that was my intention yesterday; I was so desperate to be with you that I wasn't thinking, but I can see clearly now. You need time to work through some things, and when you do, I’ll be here waiting for you with open arms.”
“And blue balls,” I try cracking a joke to break the tension that’s all too much for me and stop myself from blubbering like an idiot in the arrivals lounge of the airport.
“Exactly.” He laughs, and it’s the best sound ever. It takes me back years, making me feel young again. He has a way of easing the tension I build up so easily by getting into my head and letting my anxiety take over. If there was ever another human that was perfect for me, it would be him.
But I’m just not ready to take this to the next level. I have so many fears that keep popping into my head every time I even entertain the thought. The worst one being what happens when my parents find out? More precisely, my dad. He might kill Brandon for coming near me again. I don’t even know why he hates him so much. What did Brandon ever do to him? Somehow, I feel like Brandon could handle himself these days, but I love my family, and the last thing I want is to be fighting with them.
If I decide I want this—and right now, that is still a big if—then I want the timing to be right so I can talk to my parents and get their okay with this. Try to make them see I’m a big girl now. I know what I want, and what we have is something special.
