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I know he is trying to be sweet and helpful and maybe even get some more time in with his son, but he has kind of caught me off guard, and I'm not sure how I feel about anyone driving my kids around but me.
He turns to his sister. "Izzie, give me a second.” Then he walks toward me, taking my hand and directing me around the side of the changerooms, out of sight of the prying eyes of other parents. "Millie, I can see this is hard for you, but I need this. I'm only here for a week, and I don't know when I will be back, with my schedule. I need whatever time I can get to connect with him, and Izzie is dying to meet him as well. Would it be okay? I promise I won’t let anything happen to him. He will be home safe just after five.”
I’m such a bitch, I know I am. I keep thinking about how this is all affecting me and forgetting what it’s like for him. And when he looks at me with those deep brown eyes, it's like looking at an adorable puppy dog. How could I say no to him? "Yeah, okay, he would love to spend more time with you. He hasn't stopped talking about you since last night."
"Thank you. It means a lot to me." He runs his hand up my arm.
I smile at him warmly. It's so odd having him back home and bumping into him at a field where we played sports together so many times when we were kids ourselves. Well, we tried to, neither of us were any good like Connor is. It's so odd but so familiar as well. I could get used to having him here. But then I remember he has his life to get back to. This is just temporary. "I know. And honestly, my afternoon is crazy enough. I'm grateful for the extra help."
He drops his mouth to my cheek, kissing me. "Thanks again. You look cute in this little get-up too." He laughs. "I'll see you back at your place," he says before stepping away and wandering back to his sister, leaving me in a haze of everything Heath. Why did he have to tell me I look cute, even if it was followed by a laugh? Because I know I look ridiculous this afternoon. All my heart heard ishe still has feelings for you, just like you do him.
Idotherun-around,find a parking spot at the busy dance studio, listen to the mindless mommy chatter while I wait, then excuse myself as soon as I see her face, saying I need to pick up Connor like I normally would. The other moms are nice enough to my face, but they’re also gossips, and while it's not said, I know they all treat me different because I'm the single mom. I don't know if it's because they are somehow threatened by me or because they feel sorry for me, but either way, it makes me feel uncomfortable, and I try to avoid chatting for any longer than I have to.
In the car, Ruby's upset because she didn't get picked up by Heath and instead Connor did. Apparently, it's unfair. I want to tell her life’s not fair, but instead I just get her to pick the next song to play, and that seems to appease her.
As soon as I walk in the door, I send Ruby for a shower while I fix dinner, just a salad and roast chicken I picked up on the way home. Our normal Wednesday-night dinner.
I'm just done plating it up when the doorbell rings, and I make my way to the door, telling myself to calm the fuck down. I have had this weird nervous, excited energy running through me since I saw Heath this afternoon. And when I swing open the door, there he stands with Connor by his side, looking so alike it's crazy. "Thanks for dropping him home." I smile.
"That's okay. It was nice to spend some time with him."
"Connor, what do you say?" I chastise him for forgetting his manners.
"Thanks, Heath." He smiles then wanders into the house, heading for his room.
"Wash up for dinner," I call to him before he has a chance to turn on a device. Then I give my attention back to Heath who is now leaning up against the brickwork, looking ever so relaxed and cool. There is no way he used to have this much swagger.
"Did you want to stay for dinner?" I ask, a little too hopeful, and I know my voice sounds it as well.
He runs a hand through his hair, and I can tell he’s really considering it. "I better not, I still have Izzie with me, and Mom is expecting us home. I know she's made lasagna for us already. But I'll see you later in the week." He looks at me, unsure. "Are you okay?"
I must show the disappointment more than I want to. It was just so nice having another adult here last night. But I know he's busy. It would be silly to get upset because he can't stay. "I'm just tired, it's been a long day," I tell him, because admitting I'm falling apart and need some more help, or just a friend to talk to, would be worse than death.
He takes my hand, giving it a squeeze. "If I can help at all over the next few days, let me know, okay?"
"I will," I lie, knowing I will never ask for help, no matter how bad I end up feeling. I will soldier on right through to the end because that's just what I do. "See you later in the week." I plaster on my best fake smile so he doesn't know how much I need him right now. I don't want him to worry about me, I'm not his problem.
At dinner, Connor can't stop talking about how amazing his real dad is, and Ruby chimes in when she can, giving her two cents’ worth as well. And I'm with them, he is amazing. I’ve always thought so, but he is also just temporary. He will come and go from our lives, and they will love having him around while he’s here, but when he’s gone, we’ll all feel the loss more than if we had never known what it was like to have him in the first place. At least I know I will.
That's what it was like last time he left. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I went to a party with a friend and got stupid drunk, and the next thing I knew, I was knocked up and getting married to some guy I barely knew. My dreams of being a fashion designer were in tatters because I couldn't go to design school. All the while, watching Heath become more famous by the second, living the high life. I would think, at least one of us got the life we wanted.
But now there is this idea creeping under my skin that maybe we can both have a bit more of that. It's true, I ended up a designer through total perseverance and my passion for design. And until now, I have been over the moon with my two beautiful children and a career I love. But now, seeing him again, I want more. I want a family with a mom and a dad, like the one I grew up in. A family to vacation with, someone to share the good times and the bad with. I can already feel myself getting my hopes up, even though I know just because I want it, that doesn't mean he will too.
Until now he has been living the single life, doing what he wants. He's not going to give all that up for my silly dream of being a real family. Why would he?
HEATH
Afterdinner,Isitout front of Mom's place on the porch with a pack of cigarettes on my leg as it bounces up and down, and I flick the lighter on and off, contemplating whether I should light one up or not. I have been trying to quit for a while now and have come close a few times, then something happens and I pick them back up again. But this time I think it's different. I have someone more than me to do it for. Connor. I want to be the type of dad to set a good example for my kid.
The screen door opens and Mom appears beside me, taking a seat. "Thought you quit." Her voice holds an air of disappointment.
"Yeah, I have." I tuck the lighter back in the box and hand them to her. "Dispose of these for me."
"With pleasure." She smiles, going to the trash can and throwing them in. She dusts off her hands like it was a job well done then rejoins me, taking the seat beside me. "How was it, Heath?"
"Good, Mom, strange to be back at the field watching my kid play. It feels like only yesterday it was me down there kicking a ball around with Millie and Devon, but it was good. I think he’s warming to me."
"It's only been a couple of days. Give him time." She pats my arm.
