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"Yeah, time," I say, knowing it's running out and not quite knowing what I should do about it.
"What is it?" She looks at me, that knowing motherly glint in her eyes.
"Time I don't really have, do I. He's already nearly a teenager, and then what? You always say how fast it goes once they hit high school, and I have already missed so much. I just don't know what I want anymore. You know? This has thrown me, but I don't think it's a bad thing. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I needed to force me to make some real decisions about my life. Until now I have been just drifting through, following along with what Della thought was a good idea. I’ve stopped thinking for myself. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so empty inside."
"Could be. Although I wouldn't go rushing into anything at the moment, just see how it all pans out. One thing at a time. Today you quit smoking. Tomorrow, who knows?"
"How did you do all of this on your own? It must have been so difficult. I know I wasn't the easiest kid."
"You weren't, that's right. But as a parent, you just do what you can. Some days are hard, and others are super rewarding and make up for the bad days."
"I just don't know how Millie has been doing it by herself for so long. I'm worried about her." I really am. The look she gave me tonight when I said I couldn't stay, it's stuck with me. I feel like she's really sad or something, and she's covering it up with that beautiful smile of hers instead of opening up and telling me what's going on.
"She's tough, she always has been. But she doesn't have to do it all on her own anymore, does she?"
"Do you think that's what she wants, my help? She said she doesn't want anything from me, but that doesn't sit well with me. I want to be a big part of Connor’s life, and Millie's, and her little girl Ruby as well. She's just different to the girl I knew back in high school. More closed off. I can't read her the way I used to, and I'm not quite sure what she wants. I don't want to overstep the mark, you know."
"She's been through a lot. I remember the whispers around town when her husband left her. It must have been awful, and I know how it feels. I had to leave town when your father left me because I couldn't deal with it. But that girl of yours held her head high and continued on building a business and raising those kids. The girl you were friends with back then had never had her heart broken. She has had to change to protect herself." I look at my beautiful mother. How did she get so smart? I guess because she lived through it. I'm so grateful I had her. And that I still do, even now. She is making sense of what I can't.
I know right now we all just need time to adjust to the new situation, but part of me still thinks I should be able to slot right into her life and everything should be just as it was before I left. And that part is impatient. He wants his girl back in his arms where she belongs, opening up to him and sharing all her hopes and dreams like she always could. That part of me can't wait.
CHAPTER TEN
AMELIA
"CanIhavethecolor chart for the chiffons?" I call through the phone to Summer, getting frantic. I'm running out of time, and I need this all to be perfect.
She pops through my office door, with a board full of fabric swatches from my favorite supplier. The colors this guy has are so unique, and I'm sure are what make my designs so popular. People think they’re wearing something special because I like to go against trends and keep it fresh, with my own spin on everything. "Here you go." She smiles way too calmly for my liking. Why isn't she freaking out like me?
"Thanks." I take it from her hand, scanning over the pastel shades we have decided to go with this time; winter doesn't need to be gloomy. It all matches with my drawings. I breathe a sigh of relief. I was panicking for nothing again.
“Everything is correct. I have already double-checked all the swatches against your designs, they're ready to send off. Why are you stressing so much?" She looks at me like I might have lost my mind, and maybe I have this week.
"I don't know. It's just, since that call from Julian, I’ve been feeling like I'm not good enough to do this."
"Imposter syndrome." She nods in understanding.
"Yeah, I guess after four years, you’d think I would be over all the worry. These are good, right? This collection is going to be amazing?" I need her reassurance more now than I ever have before. For some reason this collection feels so much more important than any of my past ones, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just that they’re out there in the world now, and I feel like there are more people judging me. Before, it didn't matter as much; as long as I liked my designs, I was happy, but now I need every last female in California to think they’re amazing. At least that's how it feels.
"Millie, it's your best work yet. House of Blanchet in fucking Paris, for God's sake, wouldn't have called you if they didn't think so. You need to relax. Actually, that's a good idea. You have it all sorted early, so you should take a long lunch, go chill out for a bit. I have it all covered here if anything comes up."
"I can't do that," I shut her down. The imposter syndrome might not be the only reason I'm having a freakout this week. I'm also trying to focus on work so I can block out all the stuff with Heath. I don't even know what the stuff is; there are these emotions just having him around brings up, uneasiness because my kids are involved. Not that either of them has a problem with him, but that could change at any time, kids are fickle.
She nibbles her lip uncomfortably. "Well, you might have to. There is a hot rock star waiting for you in reception, and I already told him you were free."
My eyes go wide, wondering why she didn't lead with that. "What, why did you do that?" I stand up in a rush, not sure what to do first. Heath is here in my office? I fan my face, trying to think. Why am I suddenly so hot?
"He wants to take you to lunch, and after what you told me about the chemistry between the two of you, I thought it might be a good idea." She winces, worried I will be annoyed with her for her comment. But she’s not scared enough to keep it to herself
"No." I shake my head as much for myself as her. "No, you thought wrong, it's a bad idea. I have to keep this platonic with him. Just old friends who happen to share a child. I can't be going on lunches with him by ourselves, it will blur the lines."Lines you already blurred, and that's why you’re overheating right now, I tell myself, knowing this is all my fault.
She takes me by the shoulders like she's about to shake me. But instead, she just looks me straight in the eyes. "It's just a lunch, stop your fussing."
"Now you sound like Connor," I whine, starting to panic. I don't know how to deal with this. Him, the feelings he brings up in me. The heat that is now coming from my body.
"Well, he's a smart kid, so stop making a big deal out of things that are simple. Go eat some food and have a chat as old friends. Just don't go falling in love with him and you’re good."
I give her a look, my tummy churning with uncertainty. What if I never fell out of love with him? What if he has always been there in the back of my head, and now that he is right in front of me, I won't be able to help myself from just reaching out and taking what I want from him. With the kids there it’s easy to control myself but just the two of us… well, last time that got crazy-hot really fast.
