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Heath doesn't let me pass by him like the kids. He pulls me into him, hugging me tightly. Like he needed the contact with me desperately after our week apart. I hug him back, feeling the same. He smells like home, and that thought scares the shit out of me. I let him hold me for longer than I should, because it feels so good. I have missed him this week. I want his hands on me. On every part of me. It's just about all I can think about. And I need to stop. It's just a fantasy; it can't be our reality, no matter how much I want it. Things are too complicated now. "Part of me still finds it hard to believe that shy little boy I grew up with lives a lifestyle of the rich and famous."
He laughs, and it's the best sound ever, taking me back years. "It's just a house, baby, I'm still the same shy boy you once knew."
Even by the cocky way he says it I know that's not true. And the baby nickname, why did my heart just skip a beat when he called me that? I'm so fucking screwed. A weekend with him in this place, with my feelings for him already out of control. I'm not going to make it through without pathetically throwing myself at him.
He wraps an arm around my shoulders. "Come on, let me give you guys a grand tour, then I'll show you where you’re sleeping tonight."
"Do I have to share a room with Ruby?" Connor grumbles like that would be a fate worse than death.
"Not if you don't want to. This place has six bedrooms, so you can each have one to yourself."
That puts a smile on Connor’s face. Ruby is already standing at the back door, her little face pressed to the window, probably leaving smudges on his otherwise perfectly clear glass. "Mom, there is a waterfall out here and a pool," she squeals, amazed.
He laughs. "It's so awesome to have you guys here. They're going to have the best weekend."
"They’re never going to want to leave," I tell him, joking but knowing I already don't. Wherever he is, that’s where I want to be.
"Good," he says. And I know from his tone that he’s serious. It's nice he thinks that, but he doesn't really know what he's saying. He's only seen them on their best behavior so far, but they’re not always this easy to manage. And when his house is totaled by the end of the weekend, he will be happy to see us leave so he can get back to his normal life.
He shows us around and lets the kids pick their rooms for the night. Every single room has me in awe all over again; it's like something out of a home magazine, styled to perfection. Geez, I wonder what he thought of my place last weekend. It's a three-bedroom brick home built back in the nineties, fine just for us, but it's nothing compared to this extravagance.
Wespentthedaydown at Santa Monica Pier, and the four of us rented bikes and rode along the footpath. For this time of year, I was surprised to see so many people about, but the sun was putting on a show, even if the air temperature was a little cooler. The kids spent most of the time trying to spot someone famous but decided they were the lucky ones because Heath was more famous than anyone else they spotted. A couple of times people also came and asked for his picture or an autograph, and he graciously smiled along and signed whatever they liked. To the outside world, I'm sure he looked comfortable, loving the attention even, but I know him better than the fake smile he painted on his face. Then we caught one of the men’s national league soccer games between Brad’s team, the Wolves, and Austin FC. Connor was in awe watching the players, and even Ruby got into it, cheering whenever someone scored. She wasn’t really rooting for anyone, just whoever won. Lucky for Brad it was his team.
Now we're sitting on a more secluded beach, within walking distance from his place, having burgers and fries for dinner. The kids finished up their food quicker than us and are now down at the shoreline wading through the shallow water. They’re both relaxed and happy as; I feel maybe we needed this little vacation away from our lives more than I realized.
Heath turns to me. "This is what life is supposed to be about."
"What's that, pigging out on junk food?" I laugh, grabbing another fry and popping it in my mouth.
"No, the small things. Watching the kids play at the beach while we enjoy some takeout after a family day. I've been so lost the last year, just feeling like I have no direction in my life. I don't think my heart is in the music anymore. I've been looking for something more, something to light my fire again the way performing used to. This is it," he says with absolute certainty.
"Us?" I ask, confused and surprised. Why would anyone want this over the dream life he's been living? I love my kids, they are everything to me, but I don't get it for him.
"Yes. I'm so jealous of you, Millie. I've missed out on so many of these special moments. I know you're going to think I have lost my mind when I say this, but I don't care, you need to hear how serious I am."
The way he's looking at me, with such adoration and warmth, I haven't felt in so long. It's confusing. "About what?" I ask, trying to keep up with him.
"It's all I have been able to think about since the reunion. We never should have broken up just because I was moving to LA, we could have made it work."
"I get what you're saying. I have my regrets about it as well, but at the time, it was the best thing for both of us. I knew that, with how good you guys were, you would hit it big time, and you would have girls throwing themselves at you. You’re a good-looking guy without the fame, Heath, and with it you’re irresistible. I couldn't have sat at home nearly two hours away wondering if you were still in love with me or if that was the night you found someone better. As an eighteen-year-old, I wasn't self-assured enough to be able to handle it. I still don't know if I would be," I say, sadness filling me because it's true. I was the one who suggested we break it off back then. I knew I couldn't handle it, and I think he knew he couldn't either, because there was no fight from him. We both agreed it was for the best.
The way he looks at me, I know he doesn't like what I just told him, but I have to be honest. Of course I want to throw caution to the wind and pick up where we left off, I would be crazy not to, but I'm practical as well. I know I'm a jealous person. If anything, I'm worse now than I was back then.
"How do I change your mind? Because I know what I want. We have a child together, Millie. I'm always going to be in all your lives now. I need you to learn to trust me. You’re it for me, I know it."
I drop my head, not able to stand the heat in his gaze. His kind words make my insides melt, and I want to give into it all. But this is just a fantasy. We can't really have it all, can we? When I glance back toward him, he's watching the kids with so much love for them already that I can't help but think maybe we can.
"I want to marry you, share a life with you and the kids," he says softly, still looking out over the beach in front of us.
I freeze. My heart pounds harder in my chest than I think it ever has as I try to catch my breath and process his words. Did he mean to say them out loud? Was he serious? I mean, I had hoped he might want to kiss me again, but marry me? I'm in shock.
He looks back at me, and I know by his reaction, my eyes must be as wide as saucers. "I can tell it's not what you were expecting me to say, but hear me out. I don't mean like right now; whenever you’re ready, one day. We should date first or whatever, obviously. Let the kids get used to the idea that we’re a couple. But I just needed you to know I'm going to marry you some day. You are the special something I have been missing in my life, and now that I have you back, I'm never letting you go again."
My stomach twists, and I'm not sure if it's with excitement or apprehension. He never was one for messing around when he worked out what he wanted. But this is ridiculous. “Wow." I blink back at him, trying to pull words together to form a sentence. "Umm, okay, I’m glad you have it all worked out. And I’m flattered, but have you thought that maybe after what I went through last time, I don’t want to get married again?"
His fierce look of determination doesn't fade. If anything, it intensifies. “I did. I’m not him, Millie. You know it would be different with me.”
"I do," I agree. Everything is different with him. But it doesn't mean it would be better. I have major trust issues now. It’s why I have avoided men altogether, to save myself from ever having to feel so hurt again.
