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His eyes widened. Was she talking about—
“I mean flirting,” she said quickly, “talking. Getting a man to like me. To enjoy being around me. But you…you’re good at that sort of thing. People find you fun. You can talk to anyone, make them laugh. You know how to flirt, to get women to… Well, I saw you disappear with that girl at the Duke’s dinner. And what you said about me needing to practise… I think you’re right. I do need practise, before Simon arrives for my birthday party. He’s only here two nights. I don’t have long to…make an impression.”
“So I’ll be your practise boyfriend?”
“Sort of.”
“I should probably point out that I’ve never really had a girlfriend. I do one-night stands. It’s always just sex for me.”
Sophia’s eyes darted to his face and then away. Her hands were clasped so tightly on her lap her knuckles were white. “That’s the other part of the arrangement,” she said quietly.
A sort of buzzing noise started in Jay’s ears as reality began to warp around him.
Sophia picked up another piece of paper and thrust it at him. “These are the things I would like you to teach me. Teach me how to do.”
Jay looked down at the list she had given him. The air in the conservatory felt very still. Outside, birds were singing in the garden, but inside all he could hear was Sophia’s breathing and the faint crackle of the paper in his hands. He read the list, and for the first time in many years, found himself blushing.
1: Hand-holding, small touches, e.g., tucking hair behind ear
2: Kissing: on cheek and on mouth
3: Intimate touching (vaginal)
4: Penetrative sex
He cleared his throat. “That’s…erm… Well, I think you might be missing a few steps between two and four…”
Sophia reached for the paper with a scowl, but Jay held it out of reach.
“No, really. If you have a pen, I could just add some suggestions—”
“Jay!”
“Sorry, sorry. It’s a fantastic list. Very comprehensive.” He fought back a grin, not entirely successfully, then sobered fully as he took in Sophia’s mortification.
“Clements,” he said gently. “Have you never done any of these things?”
She folded her arms and looked to the side, as though she’d quite like to crawl behind the potted ferns there. “I’ve kissed someone. Two different people. Not at the same time, I mean.”
Jay bit back a laugh.
“I mean I’ve had two kisses, both some years ago. One was very…dry. The other was very wet. I’m not sure they were quite right.”
Jay shuddered. “No, they definitely weren’t. No wonder you’ve been put off for life.”
She darted him a look. “But I haven’t. I want to try again. With Simon.”
Jay looked down at the list again. Of all the things he’d imagined as he stepped out of the taxi and into the converted rectory where Sophia lived, being handed a piece of paper with the words ‘touching (vaginal)’ was not one of them.
It was the brackets that killed him.
He tried to keep his face straight as he said, “So do them with Simon. I’m sure he’d be very willing. You don’t need to practise, Clements. It’s not an exam.”
“But I’m so awkward! Just talking to people is hard. None of this comes naturally to me.”
“You might find this…” He tapped the paper with the back of his fingers. “Comes very naturally, once you get started. You might be pleasantly surprised.”
“But that’s just it. I don’t want to be surprised. I like to know exactly what is going to happen.”
