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“You’re exactly that bad.”
“I’d tellyou.”
“Oh, really?” I open my sandwich and take a bite, talking around the food. “So how is it with you and Heath?”
His eyes light up. “Constant. Always. We can’t keep our hands off each other. You ever heard about docking? Apparently, there are attachments you can buy, so we’re gonna get one for him and—”
“Nope. Stop. No.” I hold up my free hand. “Let’s agree to no details. The sex with Ford is great, but we’ve been taking it slow.”
Griff frowns. “Why?”
“Because I’m not a cock slut like you?”
He opens his mouth like he’s about to argue but then changes direction. “I kinda am, aren’t I?”
“This cannot be new information to you.”
“Just never really thought about it that way. Think Heath will call me that tonight?”
“What did wejustsay about details?” And even though he does tend to overshare, I’m happy for him. Only a few months ago, Griff was lost and coming to me for advice, on the verge of a midlife crisis, I swear. He’s still dying his hair and worries about lookingold, but he’s definitely more settled now. It suits him.
I’m older and grayer than he is, but those things haven’t been a concern of mine. Everyone ages. This is all part of it. Maybe I’d have more insecurities if Ford cared about shit like that, but then I don’t think I’d like him as much if he did.
“Anyway …” I wave off Griff’s comment. “We’re making sure that we spend time getting to know each other. I love sex, but it’s hard to move on and wrap my head around caring for someone again. I need to ease myself into it so I don’t screw it up.”
Griff’s eyes turn sympathetic. “If I learned anything about my relationship with Heath, it’s that the only people who factor into your relationship is you. I’m not going to pretend to know what you’ve been through—especially since you never talk about it—but he clearly makes you happy, so don’t sabotage that, okay? You’reallowedto be happy. That took me too long to figure out.”
“I …” I exhale loudly and let out the thought that’s been plaguing me. “I wonder what my life would be like if she was still here. Would we be happy? Have kids? Would Iwantkids? And then, if I met Ford, would I have realized I was attracted to him? Would I have ever figured out that I’m bisexual or whatever, or would I have died still believing I’m straight?”
Griff points at me. “That’s exactly what I meant about self-sabotage.”
“Which part?”
“Who are those thoughts helping?”
Fair point. “It’s natural to wonder.”
“Wonder, sure. You’ll always love her and regret her dying, but it won’t change anything. And if you fall in love with someone else, it doesn’t mean you love her any less. She deserved everything you gave her, but whoever—Ford or not Ford—comes next, they deserve that too. It’s horrible what happened, and letting go is going to be hard, but you can’t expect someone else to live in her shadow of what-ifs. You say you don’t want to screw this up, you say you’ve come to terms with what happened and moved on … so move on. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you can still love her and honor her memory without making someone else feel like they come second.”
“You’re right.” I cock my head at him. “You’re wise when you’re not thinking with your dick.”
The last thing I’d ever want is for Ford to feel that way. This thing growing between us is completely separate to anything I had with Tara, and the only one who keeps overlapping those relationships is me.
“Besides,” Griff says, “word on the gay streets is Ford’s a catch. He’s gotten around a bit, and I know of a few guys who want to pin him down into something more permanent.”
A perverse curiosity takes over me. “Really?”
“Yep. Are you surprised? Business owner, good with kids, big heart. He’s like the romantic version of Art, and you know how many people have been trying to get him to commit over the years.”
I turn back to the images of cars on the screen. Yeah, I knew Ford got around, but I didn’t realize he’d left a trail of broken hearts behind him. Everything we have feelsreal, but what if that’s only on my side?
Is that even possible?
No, the Ford I know would never recklessly hurt people. Unintentionally, maybe. But I can’t compare what we have with anyone else because every relationship is different. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing with him. Keeping him at arm’s length so I don’t end up hurt.
Well, what the fuck is the point of this if I’m not all in?
Will I leave with a broken heart? Maybe. Just the thought of Ford walking awayhurts.
