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I know she feelssomethingfor me. She has to. I can see it in her eyes in her most vulnerable moments. Those times she doesn’t think I can see. When she’s watching me from across the room, when I’m playing with Oliver, when I’m deep inside herand she wouldn’t be able to tell where one of us ended and the other started. Why does she keep hiding from me?
I’ve been waiting, trying to be patient but I’m fucking sick of it. It’s time she understood that she’s mine and I’m hers. Hell, I’ve been hers for a while now, she just hasn’t realized it.
I’ve been letting her run me in circles, stopping me from taking what I—what we both—want just because I was worried it would scare her away. I’m done waiting and tip toeing around. It’s time she gets on board with what’s happening between us. There just isn’t any other option.
Even though I know she has feelings for me, I’m still worried. Those walls she has are tall and they’re thick. I just hope I’ve been chipping away at them enough to finally get them to crumble. Bianca isn’t someone who will be backed into a corner. She’s not going to like that I’m giving her an ultimatum. But what else can I do? Stay and be held at arm’s length until she gets tired of me and moves on to someone else?
I won’t tell her I love her today, I’m not a stupid man. Pushing her to admit we’re in a relationship and not some kind of dirty secret is going to be hard enough. If I go and throw up my feelings all over her, she’d be gone so fast it would make my head spin. No, it’s better to just get her to give us a real chance and ease her into it. Of course, that’s what I thought I’d been doing all these weeks and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Oh well, one step at a time.
The only problem is I’m not sure what to say to her. How do I approach this so that she’ll agree to give a relationship between us a chance? Then there’s always Oliver to worry about. What if this scares her off for good? Oliver would be absolutely crushed if he never saw Bianca again. I knew from the very start I didn’t want to introduce a woman into our lives that wasn’t going to stick around, but Bianca somehow slipped in so seamlessly that by the time I noticed, he was already attached. Hell, so was I.
If she’s going to bail, I guess it’s better to get it over and done with now rather than later when she’s even more ingrained in his life. I mean hell, she goes to every art class, she picks him up from Gloria’s when I’m working late, she even knows his full bedtime routine. For someone who proclaims to hate children, she sure seems to have a bond with mine, but then again, Oliver is easy to love.
I finally bite the bullet and pull out my phone. I’ve got five missed calls and fourteen unread texts from Bianca. I don’t bother going through them one by one, from the looks of it, most of them are her yelling at me for not answering her. Guilt floods my system. I know I should have responded to her, I was just so overwhelmed, not only with the situation but with all the feelings that were swarming my head and my heart.
I shoot her a quick text telling her that as far as I know, the doctor’s say Violet is going to be alright, but I figure her dad has probably already told her that.
As I exit the restroom into the sterilized, off-white halls of the hospital, my phone shakes in my hand again.
Bianca:Where are you???
I guess my silence does justify three question marks.
Me:Getting ready to leave the hospital
Bianca:The gatekeeper of hell out here won’t let me back there to see Vi so I might as well go home for now. Do you need a ride?
I lean against the wall thinking over my options. On the one hand I really don’t want to talk to her until I’ve worked out what I’m going to say, but on the other hand I’m craving her closeness. Plus, I do need a ride home. I got here in the ambulance carrying Violet so it’s either hitch a ride with Bianca or get a rideshare.
I weigh my options for about a half a second before my need to be near her wins out.
Me:Please. I’ll meet you in the ER waiting room.
A few minutes later I make my way through the swinging emergency room doors and it takes me a moment to spot her amongst the masses of people waiting to be seen. I only see a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye before she’s run into me like a lineman trying to sack the quarterback.
I wrap my arms tightly around her, holding her body close to mine and close my eyes for just a moment to soak her in. I take a deep breath and inhale that sweet and spicy scent that’s all Bianca. I tuck her head under my chin while she’s chattering away about something, but I don’t hear any of it, I’m just relishing this moment where I get to hold her. How could she not want this? Not want us? I have to convince her she wants this as much as I do.
“Carson, are you even listening to me?” Uh, actually no, I wasn’t.
“Of course, what were you saying?” She gives a little huff of annoyance and then asks me to confirm that Violet’s going to be alright. I do my best to give her the rundown while we head out to the parking lot.
Just as we reach her car, she stops me with her hand on my forearm. I see a look I don’t often get from her. One that’s full of affection, gratitude, and something else that I haven’t been able to figure out quite yet.
“I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you for what you did today, Carson.”
I shake my head at her. “You don’t owe me anything, I was doing my job.”
“You could have died.” The tiny shake in her voice is the only thing betraying the emotions she’s holding back. I know once she’s alone, she’s going to break down and let everything out. Why doesn’t she feel safe enough to do that with me?
“I’m fine, babe. Everybody who matters is fine.” I tilt my head down until her forehead is resting against mine. “Thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for?” She tries to pull away and look up at me, but I keep my hold on her, relishing the feel of her against my body.
“Because you didn’t go into that house. You came and got me. If you had gone in there and something had happened to you, I don’t know what I would have done.” I press my lips to the crown of her head and give her a kiss while squeezing her tight.
She gives a little sniffle and buries her face into my scrub top. Bianca isn’t good with the mushy feelings stuff, at least not with me. She’ll go on and on about her family and friends. I hear her on the phone telling them she loves them all the time. But when it comes to us, she pulls away from anything that even borders on emotional. Since I’ve decided we’re not playing this game anymore, she might as well get used to this. I’m not going to stuff down my emotions because they make her uncomfortable. I’m going to make her feel so loved and safe she won’t have any choice but to return my feelings.
I give her one final squeeze and release her. “C’mon, let’s go home.”
