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She averts her eyes from me and tries to cover them by letting her hair fall over her face but I can see the wetness in the corners wanting to spill over. I’ll let her hide it. For now. As soon as we have our talk there won’t be any more hiding.
The drive home is quiet. She doesn’t seem to have anything to say, and I don’t want to start an important conversation in the car. After we’ve driven along in quiet for a few minutes she puts on some music to cover the awkward silence.
Chapter Nineteen
Bianca
I don’t even bother trying to go to my place once we get home. It’s covered in crime scene tape and is crawling with cops. I have no idea how long they’re going to be over there or when I’ll be able to go home.
I want to pack a bag to bring to Violet in the hospital. Maybe Carson can help me get some stuff out of the house. God, am I going to have to hire one of those crime scene clean-up crews? I thought there was a lot of blood in the living room, but according to Carson, the real carnage is back in Violet’s bedroom. I can’t stop the shudder that runs through my body just thinking of Tyler in there, attacking her, and what could have happened if Carson hadn’t come to save her.
The ride home from the hospital was oddly silent. Usually Carson and I don’t have any trouble finding things to talk about,but he seemed deep in his head and I didn’t know what to say. I was scared shitless today. And to be honest, I’m still scared. This is the kind of stuff he deals with every day. What’s going to stop him from going to work one day and never coming home to me?
Even now that we’re in his house, the mood is still subdued. Carson starts clattering around in the kitchen while I take a seat on the sofa and wrap myself in the throw that normally resides on the back of the couch. It’s only when my eyelids start feeling heavy that I realize how tired I am. Between the adrenaline dump my body has gone through and the hours that have passed since I actually got home, I start to feel myself drift off.
I feel the weight on the other end of the couch and open my eyes to see Carson sitting there, holding out a glass of wine to me. Quickly extracting my arms from the blanket, I reach out and take the glass from him, sipping the deep red liquid. “You’re not having anything?” I ask when I notice he doesn’t have a glass in his hand.
“Not right now. Bianca, we need to talk.”
Fuck.He wants to have thewe need to talkconversation? I usually dip out long before this happens. It’s basically my signature move. My heart starts rapidly beating in my chest. He’s going to tell me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because I almost got him killed. Or maybe it’s because I’m too careless. I want to vault over the couch and make a run for the door but instead I make sure my voice is steady as a rock when I ask, “Oh? What about?”
He runs his hand back and forth over his short blonde hair like he always does when he’s nervous and my heart starts to sink. Whatever he has to say isn’t going to be good. I place my glass down on the coffee table and turn towards him, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“We’ve been… sleeping together for a while now.” He’s speaking slowly and choosing his words carefully. “And the waythings have been going… well, this just isn’t working for me anymore.”
Ouch.I’m getting the break-up speech and I haven’t even told him what usually sends guys running for the hills. Good one, Bianca. Nicely done.
I start to get up off the couch, I know I can’t go home but I obviously can’t stay here when he’s telling me to get lost. Dad’s still at the hospital so I guess I can go over to his place for the night.
Before I can even stand up fully Carson’s hand is gripping my shoulder and pulling me back down. “Jesus Bianca, sit. Will you let me finish?”
“First, don’t tell me to sit like I’m some kind of dog. I think you calling me Sparky all the time is getting you confused. Second, look I get it. You don’t need to give me some big, long explanation. We aren’t really anything to each other. If you want to end things between us it’s no big deal, I’ll just get out of your hair.” The words spewing from my mouth taste bitter and don’t even come close to how I’m feeling inside. Not a big deal? Then why does it feel like the sky is falling? I can’t stay here and listen to how I’m not good enough for him.
“Bianca, will you listen to me for just a minute?” His hands come up and cup both sides of my face, his voice gentler. I nod my head, but I still can’t bring myself to look at his face. I’ll listen to what he has to say and then I’ll go. If he has some things he wants to get off his chest I guess I owe it to him to hear him out.
His thumbs lightly stroke my cheeks, his gentle touch confusing me. “Baby, when I say this isn’t working for me anymore what I’m talking about is you sneaking out of my bed every night. You hiding us from your friends and family. You not making a commitment to me. I want us to be together for real. No more of this friends with benefits bullshit. I want to wake up with you in my bed every morning. I want to meet your friendsand your parents. I want everyone to know that I’m yours and you’re mine.”
I think my jaw about hits the floor. That was obviously not anywhere close to what I was expecting him to say. I’m staring deeply into his green eyes, and I can feel the sincerity radiating off him. He really means it. He wants to be with me. I start to smile and for the briefest of moment’s my heart soars before everything comes crashing back down.
He only wants to be with me because he doesn’t know. I should have gotten out of this before my feelings got involved. I knew this was a huge mistake and now I’m going to pay for going against every instinct in my body that was telling me to run before I got too attached. As soon as I tell him, that look of sincerity in his eyes is going to turn into one of disappointment. I’ve seen it again and again. This time it’s nobody’s fault but mine.
I lean back, effectively pulling my face out of the gentle hold of his hands. I avert my eyes and start to pick at the blanket trying to figure out what to say.
“Bianca? What’s wrong?” The concern in his voice nearly does me in and I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes, begging to be unleashed and to fall freely down my face. But I’m Bianca Fucking Moreno. I don’t cry over some guy.That’s right Bianca, keep telling yourself he’s just some guy.
“You don’t want to be with me, Carson.”
He lets out a little chuckle that even now makes my stomach do a flip. “I’m pretty sure I’m saying the exact opposite of that.”
“You know that I don’t like kids.”
He rolls his eyes at me. “You haven’t exactly been quiet about that. Do you like Oliver?”
My head rears back in surprise. “How can you even ask me that? You know I love Oliver. I don’t even think of him as a kid, more of a kindred spirit or something.”
His eyes and face soften when I talk about his adopted son, the corner of his mouth ticking up in a smirk. “Then I don’t see the problem.”
I let out a huff of frustration. I’m doing a shit job of explaining this, but I can’t bring myself to come right out and say it. “Look, you know how I told you I was on birth control? Well, I lied. I haven’t been.”
