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I sat on the fresh dirt of his grave and began talking to him as though he was just in front of me. I tried to imagine his crossed arms over his big belly and face scrunched in concentration at my words.
"Hey Dad. It's me...your daughter. I just came to...you know, say hi." I chuckled at my stupidity, but continued nevertheless, feeling his presence settle on me. "How is it going? Hope the angels didn't bother you with too many questions...you pretty much answered a lot of them on earth already. Hopefully,judgment will come soon enough...even though I hardly believe in these things, for your sake, I wish it's real...just so I can get to see you again. I'll probably be judged evil," I laughed as I spoke. "But it doesn't matter. I deserve it. You don't."
Just then, like a wall of cold water, my entire security came crashing down on me and sobs began to seep up my throat.
"I'm so, so so...so..." I had to catch a breath from the incessant sobs that rippled through me, leaving my lungs empty. "...sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry!" The pain in my heart translated into physical pain, gripping my chest in a vice, refusing to let go, not even when I clutched and shook hard.
"It should have been me. I should have been the one in this grave right now." I wept and grabbed fistfuls of dirt, hoping that in doing this, I was somehow closer to him. Painfully, no matter how close I felt, it was no alternative to his warm, hairy embrace. His spicy breath was now something I'd have to remember...or recreate. Nothing from him was ever going to come to me, except the plague of guilt that had nested itself in a comfortable fitting in my chest. A weight that would take a long time to shed...if I ever did.
"I just want you to know as well...I never really blamed you for mom's death...or even her unhappy death. It didn't matter. You were always there for her. Physically or otherwise," I say to myself, laughing at the memory of our quarrel in the club. Our last quarrel.
"I guess I get it now," I mused. "How can you be there for someone without being physically present, like how you're here with me?" I sniffed and smiled at the image ofhissmile. The one he usually did when I finally understood something he was trying to explain.
"Ana ohibok, Baba." I cried bitterly, repeating the phrase over and over again. It was Arabic for "I love you, father."
At the end of the day, it all boiled down to that...how much I loved him and though I denied the extent when he was alive because of how annoying I perceived him, his passing just made me realize how much I loved him. It was a whole lot more than I imagined.
Chapter 5
I got to Alessandro's house very late. I had literally slept on the grave of my father and by the time I awoke, I felt a new sense of relief. Even though it was already late at night, I navigated my way out of the cemetery without much fear. It was almost as if I wanted the noise of the rustling leaves to be the spirit of my father, or any spirit at all, so that I could inquire of my father's wellbeing.
Alessandro, who was in the living room, focused on his video game, wanted to completely ignore me, but must have caught my shabby appearance in his peripheral vision and whipped his head around to observe me closely. The deduction was instant, especially when he saw my dirt-stained hands and swollen face from crying. He raised his eyebrows in question. I wasn't very good with eye language, but this one was pretty simple.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded and idled into my room. Taking off my clothes, I was completely naked before entering the bathroom. I turned on the tap and blocked the drain hole in the bathtub and left it to fill up. I then proceeded into the shower to wash off the initial specs of dirt. I didn't want to over contaminate the water and have to change it. Stepping out of the shower, I walked over to the sink where the mirror was and observed myself.
Sienna Asghar. Twenty-three-year-old, five feet, eleven inches tall, high school graduate. Couldn't get into college. Works at a grocery store, loves to gamble, persistent alcoholic and completely useless when it comes to external impact. That was if you decided to describe me in a paragraph. Even if I wanted to be insincere and give myself some false credit, there was nothing tangible I could hold on to. I wasn't the kind of person to fake my life.
Apart from cooking meals for Alessandro, my most useful moments would be when I helped shoppers pack their groceries and calculate their bill. If I was in a good mood, I could afford to give a smile to some customers who were quite friendly. I always had a hard time turning down men who asked for my number simply because I wasn't used to attention. This was also the same reason why I never made it into the relationship stage.
I never got attention, so I didn't know what to do with it. I was never committed enough to picking up calls and attending dates, so most guys usually gave up, seeing me as a snob. Eventually, I was left alone, which I didn't mind. I had never made it past one-night stands and the depressing fact for me was I didn't care. If I kept like this, as one of my frustrated admirers said, I was going to die lonely. Hurtfully rude, but true.
I turned off the tap of the shower when it filled to a reasonable height - enough to drown me if I wanted - and got in, using my toes to test the temperature before fully submerging myself in the hot mini pool. I noticed some scented oil on the shelves earlier and had mixed some into the water along with a mild bathing soap. I did not regret it. I'm very sure this was the kind of treatment that lodges charged thousands of dollars for as part of their package. I was enjoying a near equivalent for free...and then some.
I don't know how much time passed, but by the time I opened my eyes, it was really late. The time of night when everything is dead silent and seemed to amplify even the tiniest of sounds. I tried to minimize a lot of noise as I stepped out of the bath, but I couldn't help the deafening sounds of water dripping from my body back into the tub, like a waterfall whose supply just had a yearly boost as the springs arrived.
I clambered out of the tub and crept out of the bathroom hugging my wrinkled skin and scanning the room for where I left my towel. I really needed to get myself together.
After dressing up, I headed to the living room to play games until my eyes hurt enough to make me want to sleep, as I had already slept twice today, and my body would abhor another doze. I really didn't feel like watching the sunrise. Surprisingly, after about an hour into the video game, Alessandro came inside the house. I didn't even realize he was gone.
"You're awake," he nodded.
"You're..." I narrowed my eyes into slits and began noticing his appearance was slightly off. "... bleeding."
He looked at his torso and rubbed the blood-stained shirt.
"I'm very careless," he chuckled.
"Let me do another dressing," I stood up to get the first aid kit.
"No, no. It's fine."
"It doesn't seem so..."
"I said it's fine," he insisted firmly. I would've pushed it if he didn't immediately dart into his room.
Huh?
